This is what happens when I’ve been away for far too long. You lucky ducks get to read TWO posts in a row! Imagine that. You’re welcome all you chronic insomniacs!
You may all know my lovely and talented REAL LIFE fellow WordPress blogger friend BreezyK who’s praises I sing at every chance I get. Well, about a month and a half ago, Ms. Breezy asked me to guest post for her fabulous blog The Camel Life. Obviously I was pretty freaking flattered but as soon as that wore off, I was filled with anxiety about what to write about.
After a whole month of struggling with this post, it took me one night of insomnia to finish it.
So what was it that I struggled with so much to write about? It was a dreaded world where we all at some point either had to live in…or in my case, had to set up shop: The Friend Zone. This is one of my rare personal philosophical posts filled with my 2:00am epiphanies. I hope you will read it and maybe on some level even relate to it.
Without further ado, here is my post about The Friend Zone on BreezyK’s The Camel Life
Let me first say that I`m fully aware of the fact that I`ve been living in dungeons of Slackerville Central for the past couple of…three…four and a half weeks in terms of blogging. And if we`re going to be brutally honest then let’s also include in that list exercising, taking my vitamins and setting up my StalkMaster telescope to view the bedroom of my hot neighbour ….sorry BreezyK.
Anyway, let’s pretend like my four-week absence didn`t exist and just move on with this week’s update of retarded behaviour from around the world? Yes? As per usual, please note that all puns you may find are completely intentional.
1)Boyfriend fakes his own abduction to hide cheating:
True to everything Greg Bernhardt (look it up fellas) ever told women in his loved/hated books, Jason Laperriere of North Bay, Ontario quite literally proved that he would rather be in prison then tell his girlfriend that he’s just not that into her. Laperriere spent the night sucking face and other body parts with some crazed prostitute and then made her text his (ex) girlfriend some donkeycrap story of how he was held at gunpoint by said crazed prostitute in a $12,000.00 drug debt.
After some colossal time wastage of police and investigators, Laperriere was thrown in the slammer where he is now spending six months in jail probably having his gun held now by Watchful Walter and Bend Over Bobby.
Laperrierre hopes to get back with his former girlfriend once he gets out.
2) Ryan Gosling reprimands Toronto cyclist:
Obviously, no Chronicles comeback from a lazy hiatus would be appropriate without talking about the eight wonder of the world. When this Adonis isn’t breaking up fights, saving crazy bitches from being run over by incoming vehicles, and having his face plastered on ovulation kits at drug stores country-wide (oh if only) he is preserving the law by scolding cyclists such as Toronto’s Michael Murray for riding his bike on the sidewalk.
Perhaps the real law (and office chair) breaker who needs to be scolded here is Toronto’s mayor for the enthusiasm he does not have for bike lanes. But really, I’d rather spend my time updating my list of things to do to get this superhero’s attention than talk about Fat Ford. So far I have riding my bike on a sidewalk, starting a fight for no apparent reason (preferably with a cute child or a defenseless three legged puppy) and risking my life by jaywalking on Yonge Street. The things we do for Ryan Gosling love.
3)Man sporting ‘tighty whities’ robs coffee shop in Idaho:
So apparently a couple of weeks ago, two random nutbags held up and robbed a coffee-house at a place called Fruitland, Idaho. This is all fine except for two things: 1) They live in a place called Fruitland…which could be a direct reason for 2) One of them disguised himself with nothing but tighty whities on his head. Despite their shitty disguises, these thieves still managed to evade security cameras, which is kind of sad because all they got for the trouble was less than $500.00.
In a similar story:
4) Blue men rob Ont. variety store:
Two dumbasses from Strathroy, ON (which I guess might as well be Fruitland, Idaho) dressed in full blue morph body suits and robbed a variety store. Police dogs were dispatched but were unable to catch the blue goons.
So now the real question here is not who the hell robs a coffee shop with underwear on his head or who the hell robs a store dressed like Lady Gaga’s backup dancers…but really, who robs better: The American Underwear thieves vs. The Canadian Blue Men thieves? You decide.
Moving on…
5) Miami police kill naked man who bit off victim’s face:
So unless you live in a sewage pipe, don’t have Facebook or you had your face eaten up over the weekend by a naked man hopped up on LSD then you would have probably either already read about this story or seen funny memes about it plastered all over the internet. If you haven’t, then never fear, I’m here to judge you and connect you back to our sick reality.
Miami cops shot to death a real life Hannibal Lecter when they found him naked on the floor chewing another guy’s face off. Police say Mr. Deranged Looney Tunes overdosed on some new kind of LSD. Talk about having the munchies after!
Obviously you think that’s a crazy story but quite frankly, I have trouble deciding which is more ridiculous, Mr. Crazytown Face-Chewer or Ms. Bloody Mary over here:
6) Maid accused of putting period blood in boss’s coffee:
Just checking to see if you guys are all still awake. That being said though, I’m not making this up. It happened. I refuse to comment on this story. It’s too much. Even for me. But seriously, if you have a boss that you hate with every molecule of your being, then remember that nothing says “You’re the thorn in flesh that has become infected and gangrenous” like an early morning cup of menstrual coffee.
If you do want to read about the maid from Singapore who basically menstruated in his boss’ coffee cup, click here.
And with that we come to end of this week’s Chronicles. I know I mentioned this would be a Friday staple and look at me posting on all sorts of days of the week. And sometimes posting never.
I’d like to think though that its a nice random surprise to have to read about underwear robbers and menstrual coffee on a Wednesday instead of having to wait all the way till Friday, yes? No? Well, I’m back now so don’t hate me.
So guys, I don’t know if you saw this already, but I stumbled on a very interesting article this morning. If you’re like me and 1) Don’t have patience to read, 2) Unable to read due to your mind being clouded with judgement, then fear not. There’s not much worth to take from this anyway.
In a nutshell, the article talks about a couple of women who resort to Craigslist to find a suitable male companion for the holidays so as to deter nosy questions.
Now, we could talk till the end of time of how Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Christ and not about bitching and complaining that you can’t get a date. Or about how the seizure inducing “All I want for Christmas is you” alone can make you want to indulge in some holiday wrist slittage. But this is not why I’m here.
No, I’m here to self righteously tell you all…GET A GRIP, LADIES! CRAIGSLIST???
Look, it was really funny when the first guy posted about finding a Holiday Girlfriend. You could chalk it up to all the rest of the delightfully weird classifieds characteristic to Craigslist. We had a laugh and moved on. But these girls are serious. Craigslist later flagged and took down the ad because even Craigslist has standards!
I get it. I’m single too. Would the holidays be nicer if I had someone special? Sure. Would I like to have a plus one for Christmas parties? Why not! But what do you really want for Christmas? A holiday boyfriend? Or an axe-murdering rapist with a chipmunk fetish? Because that’s exactly what you get on Craigslist, besides free furniture and stolen bicycles.
The only time a stunt like this was successfully pulled was when Debra Messing hired Dermot Mulroney to be her date for her sister’s wedding. But she’s Debra Messing; you’re not. And while she hired a professional escort and paid shit loads of mula, you went on Craigslist.
Here, let me put this in perspective for you:
This is probably who you’re hoping will answer your cry for help:
Hey Girl, All I wanna do is meet your mom and give you foot rubs while you watch Judge Judy.
But sadly, this is the fugliness you will get:
Hey gurrrrrrrrrrrlll!!
Don’t even try to argue with me on this one. But what is the solution to this? Do you just stay miserable and tell your mothers and other nosy female relatives to go stick it where the sun don’t shine? Listen, I may be a straightalking no-nonsense bitch, but I also come bearing solutions. Here are 4 other men who are way more suitable to spend the holidays with than Juicebox the Ripper from Craigslist:
1) Ben and Jerry: For the low price of $6.00, you get not one, but TWO men who will comfort you with delicious saturated fat when you’re hit with those heart crushing holiday questions. Sure you might die of a massive coronary but at this point, if your only options of death are heart failure or being decapitated by a vodka-guzzling Siberian caveman, you might as well keep it clean and classy.
2) Marc Jacobs: Here’s a man who understands women better than any schmuck you could have dreamt up in your wildest low-standard fantasies. What in this world could make you happier than a fine purse, ladies? Take that baby with you on all your holiday outings and watch how you will become the envy of all the women in the room because of that eye candy on your arm. Don’t worry if you can’t afford a Marc Jacobs purse. I’m sure you’ll find a much cheaper one in the purse section on Craigslist. It’s right next to serial killer boyfriend section.
3) Gym Shortz: Ben and Jerry not being the best holiday boyfriends? No worries. Ol’ Gymmy here is the man for you. Remember this piece of kinesiology advice, girls: “High standards, low cholesterol”. Not the other way round.
4) Jesus: I understand that there are many people who are non-religious and/or hold Jesus on the same level as Santa Claus, tooth fairies and Disney princesses, but it is His birthday that started this whole season after all. For those of us who do celebrate the birth of Christ, let’s consider the fact that this is about Him and not about us and our miserable complaints.
And for those of us who celebrate the Festivus, the same rules apply. You’re more likely finding holiday cheer on the sales rack at H&M then the boyfriend section on Craigslist.
Men, I haven’t forgotten about you. I know there are just as many ads on Craigslist for Holiday Girlfriends as there are for Holiday Boyfriends. All I can say to you is this: Two Girls, One Season
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Just a reminder, I actually have a blog contest going on right now. Thank you to those of you who have entered. The rest of you lazy asses get on that! Trust me, the prize is pretty snazzy, and it will be sent right to your doorstep! Imagine that!. Click here to read the rules and enter. One more week till the contest ends. Hurry! Enter NOW!!!!
And in this day and age, it came in the form of nothing other than a Facebook creeper friend request. I have no idea who this kook is but he also attached a special message making his case as to why he’s such a stellar human being.
This is the actual text of his message. None of it has been altered in any way…save for my thought process in italic green. In fact, I had to read it several times before my brain could reason with itself as to what the appropriate reaction should be for each line. Yes. EACH LINE is poetry:
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“my name is Buttmunch (name’s changed to protect the identity of this fine specimen), im 25, and I think your hot
with this been said, i think im very resposnible and I insist for people who are associated to me to be the same
I like having maximum fun, however, intergrated with a intersection point of resposiblity (someone please tell me what exactly is intersecting here. Also, while you’re at it, please console me on the fact that I have finally met someone who likes to have maximum fun and is “resposnible” and yet is not taking “resposiblity” for horrid spelling)
like a graph, only smarter, and not as sexy (what?)
I am very sexy man (but not as sexy as a graph), and i enjoy to read alot, and I enjoy vocabulary (noooo, really?) , im excellent at music, and writting (You could have fooled me, Hemingway), but i suck at drawing, maybe you can teach me some teachniques, I learned a few inmy history book from western civilizations such as contra posto and ciaro sccurro, all fashioned int he doric roman period and revived in the rennesance lolololol YOU WILL TEACH ME OR BE JETTSONED DISCARDED(sweet fancy Moses……WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GHASTLY GIBBERISH????)
And this painful email diarrhea doesn’t end there. It goes on…
Im a huge arrogant bastard(TAKE ME NOW.) some women come to find me wing (wing? what?), the most seccure If you like having fun and being intelectual please e-mail me, i think your photos are radiant (photos? how many photos can this lunatic see? *quickly checks facebook privacy settings in a panicked frenzy*)
If you want photo of me, i will e-mail them, but i assure you im as handsome as I am arrogant (SOLD!)”
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At first I didn’t know what to think when I read this. Maybe this was a joke? Maybe it wasn’t. My frame of mind was in a weird combination of shock and amusement. The shock and anger wore off but the amusement remained. Here was a guy who was two fries short of a Happy Meal and yet believed the sun shone out of his ass.
But then I thought to myself, he is very very sexy. (no photo, but I’ll take his word for it). Maybe not as sexy as a graph, but last time I tried to date a graph, it ended with me almost failing my Stats midterm so it’s probably just as well.
Maybe I had to break down my walls of spinsterhood and let in this Champion among men. I needed someone honest enough to realise his flaws (arrogant bastardhood, inability to draw) and his strong points (living in the intersection of ‘resposblity’, ‘wing and seccure’).
I tallied him up against my New and Improved Boyfriend Screening Process. And this folks is when I found a major flaw in my screening process.
I never factored in spelling. Because if I had, this imbecile would have been instantly disqualified. I can handle ‘arrogant bastard’ and to an extent even ‘smarter than a graph’ but I draw the line at inability to piss his own name in the snow.
The Chronicles of a Skinny Jeans-Wearing Toronto girl 