Let me first say that I`m fully aware of the fact that I`ve been living in dungeons of Slackerville Central for the past
couple of… three…four and a half weeks in terms of blogging. And if we`re going to be brutally honest then let’s also include in that list exercising, taking my vitamins and setting up my StalkMaster telescope to view the bedroom of my hot neighbour ….sorry BreezyK.
Anyway, let’s pretend like my four-week absence didn`t exist and just move on with this week’s update of retarded behaviour from around the world? Yes? As per usual, please note that all puns you may find are completely intentional.
1) Boyfriend fakes his own abduction to hide cheating:
True to everything Greg Bernhardt (look it up fellas) ever told women in his loved/hated books, Jason Laperriere of North Bay, Ontario quite literally proved that he would rather be in prison then tell his girlfriend that he’s just not that into her. Laperriere spent the night sucking face and other body parts with some crazed prostitute and then made her text his (ex) girlfriend some donkeycrap story of how he was held at gunpoint by said crazed prostitute in a $12,000.00 drug debt.
After some colossal time wastage of police and investigators, Laperriere was thrown in the slammer where he is now spending six months in jail probably having his gun held now by Watchful Walter and Bend Over Bobby.
Laperrierre hopes to get back with his former girlfriend once he gets out.
2) Ryan Gosling reprimands Toronto cyclist:
Obviously, no Chronicles comeback from a lazy hiatus would be appropriate without talking about the eight wonder of the world. When this Adonis isn’t breaking up fights, saving crazy bitches from being run over by incoming vehicles, and having his face plastered on ovulation kits at drug stores country-wide (oh if only) he is preserving the law by scolding cyclists such as Toronto’s Michael Murray for riding his bike on the sidewalk.
Perhaps the real law (and office chair) breaker who needs to be scolded here is Toronto’s mayor for the enthusiasm he does not have for bike lanes. But really, I’d rather spend my time updating my list of things to do to get this superhero’s attention than talk about Fat Ford. So far I have riding my bike on a sidewalk, starting a fight for no apparent reason (preferably with a cute child or a defenseless three legged puppy) and risking my life by jaywalking on Yonge Street. The things we do for
Ryan Gosling love.
3) Man sporting ‘tighty whities’ robs coffee shop in Idaho:
So apparently a couple of weeks ago, two random nutbags held up and robbed a coffee-house at a place called Fruitland, Idaho. This is all fine except for two things: 1) They live in a place called Fruitland…which could be a direct reason for 2) One of them disguised himself with nothing but tighty whities on his head. Despite their shitty disguises, these thieves still managed to evade security cameras, which is kind of sad because all they got for the trouble was less than $500.00.
In a similar story:
4) Blue men rob Ont. variety store:
Two dumbasses from Strathroy, ON (which I guess might as well be Fruitland, Idaho) dressed in full blue morph body suits and robbed a variety store. Police dogs were dispatched but were unable to catch the blue goons.
So now the real question here is not who the hell robs a coffee shop with underwear on his head or who the hell robs a store dressed like Lady Gaga’s backup dancers…but really, who robs better: The American Underwear thieves vs. The Canadian Blue Men thieves? You decide.
5) Miami police kill naked man who bit off victim’s face:
So unless you live in a sewage pipe, don’t have Facebook or you had your face eaten up over the weekend by a naked man hopped up on LSD then you would have probably either already read about this story or seen funny memes about it plastered all over the internet. If you haven’t, then never fear, I’m here to judge you and connect you back to our sick reality.
Miami cops shot to death a real life Hannibal Lecter when they found him naked on the floor chewing another guy’s face off. Police say Mr. Deranged Looney Tunes overdosed on some new kind of LSD. Talk about having the munchies after!
Obviously you think that’s a crazy story but quite frankly, I have trouble deciding which is more ridiculous, Mr. Crazytown Face-Chewer or Ms. Bloody Mary over here:
6) Maid accused of putting period blood in boss’s coffee:
Just checking to see if you guys are all still awake. That being said though, I’m not making this up. It happened. I refuse to comment on this story. It’s too much. Even for me. But seriously, if you have a boss that you hate with every molecule of your being, then remember that nothing says “You’re the thorn in flesh that has become infected and gangrenous” like an early morning cup of menstrual coffee.
If you do want to read about the maid from Singapore who basically menstruated in his boss’ coffee cup, click here.
And with that we come to end of this week’s Chronicles. I know I mentioned this would be a Friday staple and look at me posting on all sorts of days of the week. And sometimes posting never.
I’d like to think though that its a nice random surprise to have to read about underwear robbers and menstrual coffee on a Wednesday instead of having to wait all the way till Friday, yes? No? Well, I’m back now so don’t hate me.
Until next week, folks! 😉