And in this day and age, it came in the form of nothing other than a Facebook creeper friend request. I have no idea who this kook is but he also attached a special message making his case as to why he’s such a stellar human being.
This is the actual text of his message. None of it has been altered in any way…save for my thought process in italic green. In fact, I had to read it several times before my brain could reason with itself as to what the appropriate reaction should be for each line. Yes. EACH LINE is poetry:
“my name is Buttmunch (name’s changed to protect the identity of this fine specimen), im 25, and I think your hot
with this been said, i think im very resposnible and I insist for people who are associated to me to be the same
I like having maximum fun, however, intergrated with a intersection point of resposiblity (someone please tell me what exactly is intersecting here. Also, while you’re at it, please console me on the fact that I have finally met someone who likes to have maximum fun and is “resposnible” and yet is not taking “resposiblity” for horrid spelling)
like a graph, only smarter, and not as sexy (what?)
I am very sexy man (but not as sexy as a graph), and i enjoy to read alot, and I enjoy vocabulary (noooo, really?) , im excellent at music, and writting (You could have fooled me, Hemingway), but i suck at drawing, maybe you can teach me some teachniques, I learned a few inmy history book from western civilizations such as contra posto and ciaro sccurro, all fashioned int he doric roman period and revived in the rennesance lolololol YOU WILL TEACH ME OR BE JETTSONED DISCARDED (sweet fancy Moses……WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GHASTLY GIBBERISH????)
And this painful email diarrhea doesn’t end there. It goes on…
Im a huge arrogant bastard(TAKE ME NOW.) some women come to find me wing (wing? what?), the most seccure
If you like having fun and being intelectual please e-mail me, i think your photos are radiant (photos? how many photos can this lunatic see? *quickly checks facebook privacy settings in a panicked frenzy*)
If you want photo of me, i will e-mail them, but i assure you im as handsome as I am arrogant (SOLD!)”
At first I didn’t know what to think when I read this. Maybe this was a joke? Maybe it wasn’t. My frame of mind was in a weird combination of shock and amusement. The shock and anger wore off but the amusement remained. Here was a guy who was two fries short of a Happy Meal and yet believed the sun shone out of his ass.
But then I thought to myself, he is very very sexy. (no photo, but I’ll take his word for it). Maybe not as sexy as a graph, but last time I tried to date a graph, it ended with me almost failing my Stats midterm so it’s probably just as well.
Maybe I had to break down my walls of spinsterhood and let in this Champion among men. I needed someone honest enough to realise his flaws (arrogant bastardhood, inability to draw) and his strong points (living in the intersection of ‘resposblity’, ‘wing and seccure’).
I tallied him up against my New and Improved Boyfriend Screening Process. And this folks is when I found a major flaw in my screening process.
I never factored in spelling. Because if I had, this imbecile would have been instantly disqualified. I can handle ‘arrogant bastard’ and to an extent even ‘smarter than a graph’ but I draw the line at inability to piss his own name in the snow.