I have finally met my Prince Charming

And in this day and age, it came in the form of nothing other than a Facebook creeper friend request. I have no idea who this kook is but he also attached a special message making his case as to why he’s such a stellar human being.

This is the actual text of his message. None of it has been altered in any way…save for my thought process in italic green. In fact, I had to read it several times before my brain could reason with itself as to what the appropriate reaction should be for each line. Yes. EACH LINE is poetry:

_______________________

“my name is Buttmunch (name’s changed to protect the identity of this fine specimen), im 25, and I think your hot

with this been said, i think im very resposnible and I insist for people who are associated to me to be the same

I like having maximum fun, however, intergrated with a intersection point of resposiblity (someone please tell me what exactly is intersecting here. Also, while you’re at it, please console me on the fact that I have finally met someone who likes to have maximum fun and is “resposnible” and yet is not taking “resposiblity” for horrid spelling)

like a graph, only smarter, and not as sexy (what?)

I am very sexy man (but not as sexy as a graph), and i enjoy to read alot, and I enjoy vocabulary (noooo, really?) , im excellent at music, and writting (You could have fooled me, Hemingway), but i suck at drawing, maybe you can teach me some teachniques, I learned a few inmy history book from western civilizations such as contra posto and ciaro sccurro, all fashioned int he doric roman period and revived in the rennesance lolololol YOU WILL TEACH ME OR BE JETTSONED DISCARDED (sweet fancy Moses……WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GHASTLY GIBBERISH????)

And this painful email diarrhea doesn’t end there. It goes on…

Im a huge arrogant bastard(TAKE ME NOW.) some women come to find me wing (wing? what?), the most seccure
If you like having fun and being intelectual please e-mail me, i think your photos are radiant (photos?  how many photos can this lunatic see? *quickly checks facebook privacy settings in a panicked frenzy*)

If you want photo of me, i will e-mail them, but i assure you im as handsome as I am arrogant (SOLD!)”

_____________________________________

At first I didn’t know what to think when I read this. Maybe this was a joke? Maybe it wasn’t. My frame of mind was in a weird combination of shock and amusement. The shock and anger wore off but the amusement remained. Here was a guy who was two fries short of a Happy Meal and yet believed the sun shone out of his ass.

But then I thought to myself, he is very very sexy. (no photo, but I’ll take his word for it). Maybe not as sexy as a graph, but last time I tried to date a graph, it ended with me almost failing my Stats midterm so it’s probably just as well.

Maybe I had to break down my walls of spinsterhood and let in this Champion among men. I needed someone honest enough to realise his flaws (arrogant bastardhood, inability to draw) and his strong points (living in the intersection of ‘resposblity’, ‘wing and seccure’).

I tallied him up against my New and Improved Boyfriend Screening Process. And this folks is when I found a major flaw in my screening process.

I never factored in spelling. Because if I had, this imbecile would have been instantly disqualified. I can handle ‘arrogant bastard’ and to an extent even ‘smarter than a graph’ but I draw the line at inability to piss his own name in the snow.

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28 thoughts on “I have finally met my Prince Charming

  1. Lock the doors and bar the windows!!! LoL!!!

    Seriously: This guy is clearly a danger to women and small animals – I suggest you block him ASAP and mark him as a warning to others!!!

    God Bless!

    Prenin.

    • bahaha..don’t worry. I’m way ahead of you Prenin. I blocked and deleted him. But not before cutting and pasting his message into this blog post for the whole world to laugh and shudder.

      God bless!
      K

  2. First, let me state this guy is more than certainly, more awesome than myself. As he enjoys maximum fun, I enjoy fun, but only at low levels. I’m 39, and have to start worrying about strokes and other such ailments, so take this with a grain of salt. Spelling is, indeed, the cornerstone of any good relationship. The part that gets me here is he asked a total stranger for drawing techniques. I’ve always wanted to learn to play the concertina, but I’m not about to troll facebook for a teacher. Stay away from this one, he’s either an Eastern-block spy or a Borat impersonator.

    • Dear JB Maddawg,

      I actually laughed out loud at your comment. And if you read carefully, this awesome fellow was looking for drawing ‘teachniques’, not techniques. I agree wholeheartedly, spelling is the corner stone of any good relationship. That being said, I would take an Eastern bloc spy over a Borat impersonator anyday…although I’m pretty sure most spies of the Eastern bloc nature sound like Borat anyway.

      Cheers!
      Karen

  3. hey, its your loss missing out on all that maximum fun and those western civilizations illustrations. Feel free to direct him my way if you’re not into it 😉

    • Breezyk, this smart sexy graph is all yours for the taking lol. He may be arrogant but rest assured you will always beat him at Scrabble 😉

    • Marge, you better take a number and stand in line for this gemstone. Apparently, his scary brand of charm is working wonders on the ladies here lol

  4. LOVE this. Definitely made my day. Not sure what smarter than a graph is but I guess graphs can be pretty smart.

    Thanks for sharing this moron with us, I guess he’s got points there for posessing the great ability to make a female laugh to the point of crying.

    Kudos.

    • hahahah thanks you guys. And don’t thank me for sharing him. Thank HIM for writing this garbage so I could post it up for a little Monday laugh.

      Stuff like this is too priceless not to share lol.

    • sheelbeel, I’ve been told I’ve found a keeper by more than one awesomely sarcastic lady lol. If you wanted a piece of this catch, I’m more than happy to share 😉 lol

      Cheers!

    • jezibelle, I would rather have an online facebook stalker that you can block and delete with a click of a button than an actual stalker, which might involve putting poison ivy in your bushes and a restraining order lol.

      What I’m trying to say is that you’re not missing much. Just a funny blog post 😉

  5. This has got to be the absolute, most hilarious blog entry I have ever read. I originally read it on my BB and laughed out loud. Thank you. Thank you for entertaining me to my “maximum” ability.

    • hahahah awwww I’m glad I was able to entertain you. We must not forget though, the real entertainer who has provided us with the “maximum fun” here is the idiot who wrote that priceless email. But I’ll take the credit on his behalf lol.
      Cheers!

  6. Pingback: Blog Entry Spotlight « A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That…

  7. LMAO girl- that’s hilarious! I get messages like this all the time- I once had a message from someone telling me I am their king… I was like dude- I’M A GIRL! *BLOCK* lol

    • BAHAHAHAH…you’re their king? That’s priceless. Wow. If only everyone shared their facebook horror stories, we’d be laughing all the time! Thanks for checking out the post 🙂
      Cheers!

  8. Funny… When I do receive a random FB creeper message, it usually reads something like this: “ay baby gurl… when is you going to let me hit that”. Ummmm… Can we say delete? I love reading your blog, BTW. Your writing pretty much makes you my shero!

    • What a dumbass that guy! I don’t understand why these people waste their time writing garbage like that. Have they ever got responses to those messages?

      Anyway, its not everyday somebody calls me their shero. I’m actually pretty flattered. Thanks a lot. I hope to always keep you entertained lol

      Cheers!

      • See, something like malawi4me2 happened to me once, only it was real life! I was waiting at the bus stop one day on my way to work, and some guy comes riding up to me on his bicycle and asks me if I wanted to go home with him and have sex. I answered an emphatic, “No!” and he shrugged and rolled on away.

        I asked a guy friend what the heck that was all about (as if, because he is male, he can answer for me all the mysteries of the male mind) and he explained it was simple, really. Dumbass was playing the odds. Eventually, some horny woman somewhere will say yes, thus making such an idiotic gamble worthwhile. I said, “That’s all well and good, but how the hell is he supposed to get said female to his house? On his handlebars?” He had no answer for that one.

      • LOL I dont think he thought that far. My friend Lisa and I were once standing at a bus stop and this guy drove up in his car, rolled down his window and with a total straight face said, “Can I please be your slave?” Psychotic people exist my friend. And they are freely roaming in society. *shudder*

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