So guys, I don’t know if you saw this already, but I stumbled on a very interesting article this morning. If you’re like me and 1) Don’t have patience to read, 2) Unable to read due to your mind being clouded with judgement, then fear not. There’s not much worth to take from this anyway.
In a nutshell, the article talks about a couple of women who resort to Craigslist to find a suitable male companion for the holidays so as to deter nosy questions.
Now, we could talk till the end of time of how Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Christ and not about bitching and complaining that you can’t get a date. Or about how the seizure inducing “All I want for Christmas is you” alone can make you want to indulge in some holiday wrist slittage. But this is not why I’m here.
No, I’m here to self righteously tell you all…GET A GRIP, LADIES! CRAIGSLIST???
Look, it was really funny when the first guy posted about finding a Holiday Girlfriend. You could chalk it up to all the rest of the delightfully weird classifieds characteristic to Craigslist. We had a laugh and moved on. But these girls are serious. Craigslist later flagged and took down the ad because even Craigslist has standards!
I get it. I’m single too. Would the holidays be nicer if I had someone special? Sure. Would I like to have a plus one for Christmas parties? Why not! But what do you really want for Christmas? A holiday boyfriend? Or an axe-murdering rapist with a chipmunk fetish? Because that’s exactly what you get on Craigslist, besides free furniture and stolen bicycles.
The only time a stunt like this was successfully pulled was when Debra Messing hired Dermot Mulroney to be her date for her sister’s wedding. But she’s Debra Messing; you’re not. And while she hired a professional escort and paid shit loads of mula, you went on Craigslist.
Here, let me put this in perspective for you:
This is probably who you’re hoping will answer your cry for help:
But sadly, this is the fugliness you will get:
Don’t even try to argue with me on this one. But what is the solution to this? Do you just stay miserable and tell your mothers and other nosy female relatives to go stick it where the sun don’t shine? Listen, I may be a straightalking no-nonsense bitch, but I also come bearing solutions. Here are 4 other men who are way more suitable to spend the holidays with than Juicebox the Ripper from Craigslist:
1) Ben and Jerry: For the low price of $6.00, you get not one, but TWO men who will comfort you with delicious saturated fat when you’re hit with those heart crushing holiday questions. Sure you might die of a massive coronary but at this point, if your only options of death are heart failure or being decapitated by a vodka-guzzling Siberian caveman, you might as well keep it clean and classy.
2) Marc Jacobs: Here’s a man who understands women better than any schmuck you could have dreamt up in your wildest low-standard fantasies. What in this world could make you happier than a fine purse, ladies? Take that baby with you on all your holiday outings and watch how you will become the envy of all the women in the room because of that eye candy on your arm. Don’t worry if you can’t afford a Marc Jacobs purse. I’m sure you’ll find a much cheaper one in the purse section on Craigslist. It’s right next to serial killer boyfriend section.
3) Gym Shortz: Ben and Jerry not being the best holiday boyfriends? No worries. Ol’ Gymmy here is the man for you. Remember this piece of kinesiology advice, girls: “High standards, low cholesterol”. Not the other way round.
4) Jesus: I understand that there are many people who are non-religious and/or hold Jesus on the same level as Santa Claus, tooth fairies and Disney princesses, but it is His birthday that started this whole season after all. For those of us who do celebrate the birth of Christ, let’s consider the fact that this is about Him and not about us and our miserable complaints.
And for those of us who celebrate the Festivus, the same rules apply. You’re more likely finding holiday cheer on the sales rack at H&M then the boyfriend section on Craigslist.
Men, I haven’t forgotten about you. I know there are just as many ads on Craigslist for Holiday Girlfriends as there are for Holiday Boyfriends. All I can say to you is this: Two Girls, One Season
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