Here’s some news you could use: The Skinny Jeans and Starbucks Chronicles is going to try to branch out in to the mysterious world of journalism. Actually what I’m about to do here is an atrocious excuse for journalism as most real journalists out there will attest to. But while I love to write, I never thought I had the ability to be the kind of writer who could journalise anything.
But I do love throwing around my opinions where they’re least welcome so hey, why not just make a whole segment out of it! After all, I always thought life cheated me out of my true calling of being a staff reporter for TMZ so what better way to tip my hat off to that brilliant bastard Harvey Levin than Skinny Jeans style reports of the week’s happenings. So here goes, in no particular order of importance:
1) Town mouse takes over Toronto spinster’s kitchen and eats her breakfast:
Toronto blogger Karen woke up last Wednesday morning to find holes in her peanut butter sandwich. After sleep-walking and Casper the friendly ghost were ruled out, it was discovered that naughty little town mouse Dexter Cheeseman was the pooping culprit. Several days and piles of mouse shit later, an exterminator was called and Dexter is being given a one-way ticket to mouse purgatory.
2) Top baby names in 2011 for Alberta have been revealed:
The province of Alberta has released its top names for 2011. Single ladies take some furious notes here for when you go on that first date with the man of your dreams. You know that while he’s busy picking out the last bits of bread crust from his grill, you’re going to nonchalantly ask him how many of his babies he would like you birth. And when you do, he will ask you if you picked out baby names. And that’s when you will whip out this list and say Luv, Dreamz or Feather for a girl and Essay, Pistol or Jäger for a boy. And if you really want to impress him with your classiness: Princewill. You’re welcome.
Speaking of Jäger…
3) Snooki gets knocked up AND engaged:
Its been a busy week for this little meatball who announced that the bump on her belly is indeed a tiny human growing inside her and not just pasta and cannolis. Obviously, paternity speculation was rampant. Some even say Maury Povich was rubbing his hands with glee while his dentures clattered with excitement at the prospect of setting up paternity testing for everything from Justin Beiber’s toothbrush to the greasy pole at the Shore’s local strip club. Much to his dismay, Maury’s services were not required as it was revealed that Jionni, Snooki’s juicebox boyfriend was the sperm donor. After that he gave her a ring with a rock the size of her hair poof.
4) Kony 2012 goes viral:
A 30-minute Vimeo video of the child-mongering war lord has been spreading through social media like mad-cow disease. While there is some controversy and criticism over the video, one things for sure, everyone including the mice that live in my ceiling now know who Joseph Kony is. I only wish Jason Russell could have made one of his boldface videos on breast cancer awareness so that we wouldn’t be subjected to reading the color of people’s bras and other nonsensical sexual information on people’s Facebook statuses each year.
5) Warm temperature drives everyone berserk:
Temperatures rose in Toronto and the GTA this week sending a few people off into their annual global warming anxiety attacks. “The weather is changing! This is so bad for the environment!” “It used to never be mild like this in the winter. We’re digging our own grave”. Ironically, the people who keep complaining about the environment being ruined are the same people who drive very large gasoline-guzzling SUVs. As for my public transit availing self, I’m happy as a fat pig in the warm sunshine.
6) WordPress introduces a new “Views by Country” site stats feature:
That’s right, WordPressers! Now we can actually see what countries our
stalkers readers come from in our site stats. And what is the number one country that stalks me? Here’s lookin’ at you United States of America.
And last but not least, just for kicks…
7) Emma Stone says she hasn’t worked out in a month and is proud of it:
Yet another reason to hate Stoney. The girl is classy, hilarious, rich and smart. In addition to everything she is able to eat guilt-free, she has also helped herself to a generous slice of delish Ryan Gosling pie…and doesn’t look a pound heavier for it. Then again, I would imagine you wouldn’t really need a gym if you had a house-trained Gosling.
And that’s about the round-up I have for you today. I’m thinking of making this a weekly post. But I need some feedback. Would you be a reader of the weekly Friday Chronicles?