The ring shopping experience Prince William never had

Halloween is fast approaching. And like most over commercialized North American holidays, Halloween comes with its own unique set of first-world anxieties.

A couple of years ago I obsessed for a week over whether I should go as 1) Justin Beiber or 2) A crayon. Beiber won the bid because I was sick that weekend and wearing a warm hoodie seemed a better alternative to puking into my pointy crayon hat. In retrospect, I could have gone as Beiber Fever. (Beiber with an actual fever…get it?)

The only thing Beiber and I DON’T have in common is blond hair

My other fantastic costumes from the past included:

Halloween 2010: A blind date.

Technically, Batgirl’s blind date.

Halloween 2011: Pocahontas  The Indian/Indian princess. It was a pun about how you can’t get anymore Indian than this. As you can see, the pun and I were both lame.

Smile! 2011 was the year of the broken foot

Fast forward to 2012.

The time has come again this year when 50% your Facebook friends will lament the annual exodus of sexy hamburgers and sexy convicts while 49% will be dressed as said hamburgers and convicts. I fall in the 1% who are at home trolling their stalkerfeeds panicking about what/who they’re going to go as.

This year though, I knew who I wanted to be. It’s who I’ve wanted to be when I hit puberty (and 3 years after that): Prince William’s wife. 

Yes…Halloween 2012, I’m going as The Duchess of Cambridge…or as I’d like to call her- Kate.

Before you laugh uncontrollably at my dreams of becoming British royalty,  let me tell you that Kate and I have A LOT in common. To start, we’re both women, we both love Prince William and we both look better with our tops on.

The real task here is putting together the Kate look without the Kate price tag. Being Indian, I come with the gene for “economical spending”. I made a list of items that would be required:

1) A pretty dress: Kate has been known to get some of her dresses at H&M. I get ALL my dresses at H&M. Soul sisterssss!

2) Pantyhose: Sears

3) A pearl necklace: Dollar Store

4) A wig. (In a moment of insanity and a cheap Groupon, I went and chopped off all my luscious locks of hair last month. Fingers crossed that Kate will get a shoulder length bob one of these days, preferably before Halloween, so I won’t have to spend $7.99 at Value Village)

5) A crazy hat that only looks good on British royals. (optional)

6) THE RING: dun dun dunnnnnnnnn. (This means I haven’t got it yet)

The success of my costume hugely depended on my ability to find a replica of Kate’s ring. For those of you who don’t know what it looks like: 

I knew that after the Royal Wedding last year, knock offs were everywhere. But last year I was too busy nursing a broken foot and being an Indian princess.

I began my search with my most trusted source of information about everything: My patients at work.

These were some of their suggestions:

1. “Go to the dollar store. It has EVERYTHING. You’ll find gold there if you look hard enough. If you can’t find it, just buy a regular ring with any colored stone and spray paint it blue. You’ll find the spray paint in the crafts aisle. They’ll never know the difference

2. “I’m sure you could make one yourself.”

3. “Are you sure you want to go as Kate Middleton? Maybe you should have a backup costume.”

My second trusted source was eBay. I found one for $8.99. Life was wonderful until I got to the checkout and saw that shipping would be $39.00. This did not appeal very much to my economical spending gene. I cancelled the order.

I had to find this ring. Without it, I would have to pick some next lame-ass last minute costume. My friend Aleks suggested that if I didn’t find anything, I could just label myself as sugar and tell everyone I’m brown sugar. I always appreciate a good subtly racist pun. But not this time. This time I just wanted to be a white princess duchess for Halloween dammit! 

My last ditch effort was to try the mall. I went to the usual teenybopper accessory stores. This yielded the same results as my patients:

1) “Kate who? I’m sorry I don’t know who she is. I don’t think we have any of her stuff here” (HOW THE EFF DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO KATE MIDDLETON IS!!?!? This salesgirl was either an Eastern Bloc spy or a recruit from a Carly Rae Jepsen concert)

2) “Is it like the rose-gold colored one with a flowery middle?” (WTF is wrong with people?)

3) “Maybe try the dollar store?”

I went home completely dejected. Kate’s ring couldn’t be found anywhere. Prince William has NO idea how easy he had it. 

But you know that saying in dating that annoys the piss out single people?

“It will happen when you’re not looking and you least expect it”

Apparently, this saying applies to costume jewelry as well. 

Yesterday I went grocery shopping and outside the store there randomly happened to be an older lady selling jewelry on a makeshift table. I took a quick gander. Sure enough, this completely random old lady had a Kate Middleton ring sitting in her ring collection. It was a size too big for me but a perfect replica otherwise. $15 later I was back on track to being a Duchess.

Now all I have left on my list is the wig, which I’m hoping to be easier to score than the Duchess’ engagement ring.

And if I can’t find a wig, brown sugar it will be. 

What I’d like to know is what are all of you folks dressing up as this Halloween? What is the craziest costume you’ve ever worn/seen?


The Guide to painless Sunday night Bathroom Cleaning

All of us have experienced the daunting task of having to clean a room that the very thought of cleaning leaves you in a pit of tears and dread. For me, that room is the bathroom. I have whined to myself for weeks about how gross the tub looks. I have tried to justify to myself  that since I now live alone there really isn’t a pressing need to bust out the bleach. I have even reasoned that it has been so long since I have scrubbed the tub that the dirt is etched in all the cracks and cleaning it right now would be futile and a complete waste of my precious time. Time that could be spent going on Facebook and doing crap all.
Yesterday morning, I actually closed my eyes while I peed so I wouldn’t have to see the crusty tub which now has developed a voice that sounds very much like my mother’s, admonishing my horrific laziness.  This was it for me. You know it’s time to clean a bathroom when the tub starts talking to you. I need a gameplan, I thought. This is my new theory in life. Every daunting task or situation in life can be made exciting by devising a gameplan and picking an epic soundtrack to go with it.
The Game-Plan: When cleaning a bathroom, it is important to realise that your life will be much more pleasant if you have all the right cleaning products at hand. There’s nothing like pouring Clorox in a toilet bowl and then realising you don’t have a toilet brush. Or in my case realising I have no rubber gloves right after I’ve juiced up the toilet with potent chemicals. I’m not a firm supporter of hardcore cleaning chemicals, but when you haven’t cleaned your bathroom for weeks, it’s time to bust out the acid.  So off I went to Shoppers Drug Mart with my pink polka dotted backpack in search of nothing but the best. If you haven’t guessed what my gameplan is by now, it was to make Sunday night bathroom cleaning an event, rather than a chore. I tried to tell myself that cleaning my bathroom was going to be sooo much fun but I gave up when I realised cleaning a bathroom is about as fun as going to the dentist to have a root canal.
I came home with Green Works Natural Bathroom Cleaner because  I care about the environment and supporting small Canadian businesses. Then I saw the price of Green Works and thought the environment would have to fend for itself and bought Life Brand toilet bowl cleaner. I’m still a good person because Life Brand is Canadian. But then Pine-Sol was on sale. It’s American. Don’t judge me, Canada.
I also bought ice-cream, just in case things got emotional.
The soundtrack:   Say Hey by Michael Franti. Epic enough for some good toilet clean fun.
Equipped with a game plan, cleaning products and rubber gloves, I pinned up my hair, rolled up my PJ bottoms and cranked up Mr. Franti.
The result? My bathroom is spotless and smells lemony fresh. Was it fun with a gameplan and soundtrack? I think fun is too strong a word to use. However, what I did get out of spending 45 minutes mindlessly scrubbing away soap scum was the genius idea that there was a way of avoiding scrubbing my tub for a long while. Showering at the gym. And that brainwave is what made my bathroom cleaning event a hit.