Guest Post: How to Snag the Boy Next Door in 10 Minutes or Less

What a treat all you lucky ducks are in for today!

Some way, somehow a few months ago, I managed to convince the beautiful and funny BreezyK from The Camel Life to drink wine with me. Our love blossomed over wine- related drunkness, appetizers and the table of good-looking men next to us. We sealed the deal with a drunken subway ride home.

Months later, Breezy wrote the most humorous post that I’m happy and excited to feature on The Chronicles. For those of you who would like some context for this post, please check out my previous post: Because the Greatest Cockblock of all is happening to me.

Without further ado, here’s Breezyk’s take on my cockblocking stories. Enjoy!

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Holla peeps- For those of you who don’t know me, I’m BreezyK from The Camel Life, where I blog about finding the humour in everyday life.

I’ve been a follower of The Chronicles for quite some time now, and am proud to say that after only a few short months of stalking correspondence, I have successfully managed to turn what was once merely an unrequited internet girl-crush into an actual, real life friendship with Karen.
And kids- let me tell ya- she’s just as sweet, funny, and gorgeous as she is on her blog. Which also makes me kind of hate her.

Just look at that face! Now there's a girl you could bring home to mom.

Anyway, when we’re not making each other friendship bracelets or redecorating our secret best friend hideout, we sometimes like to eat Eggs Benny at various hipster brunch spots around Toronto and pretend to be as cool in real life as we are on the internet.

During one such meet-up a few Sundays ago, Karen was giving me an update on the infamous (and subject of frequent blog posts) Astro Boy. When she told me that she had recently discovered Astro-Boy was her NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR- I couldn’t believe my ears.

“Your crush is the boy next door?? I exclaimed. “You have to do something- he’s RIGHT THERE! You probably share a goddamn wireless connection!”
Unconvinced, she replied: “Well what am I supposed to do, go knock on his door?”
“Pfft…” I replied “No. There are tons of things you could do to get his attention”.
“Like what?” she asked.

I then proceeded to ramble off a list of what I thought were foolproof suggestions, in my probably (ok, definitely) still-drunk-from-the-night-before state. Since we got a good chuckle out of them, we thought it might be fun to share them with you all, in case any of you have a boy next door you want to snag.. or maybe just a pesky neighbour that you want to scare away. Cause that could work too.
So here goes:

BreezyK’s Guide to Snagging the Boy Next Door in 10 Minutes or Less:

Set up a lemonade stand. Screw Milkshakes- these days, it’s lemonade that brings all the boys to the yard. Set up an inviting looking stand, complete with a pitcher and glasses for two, wear something slutty, and before you know it, it’ll be more than just the lemons getting squeezed, if you know what I’m sayin’.

Move over Kelis… there’s a new drank in town.

Have a yard sale, at which you sell only your unmentionables. This might require an initial investment, since you’ll probably have to go and buy some sexy shit to “sell” ( lets be honest, the stuff in your drawers right now probably isn’t gonna cut it). But what’s a couple hundred bucks at Victoria Secret if it helps you secure the love of your life??

Wash your car suggestively in your yard. Think Jessica Simpson, “These Boots are Made for Walking” styles. Again, this may require an initial investment- particularly if you don’t own a car. Obviously you’ll have to buy one. But hey, no one ever said love came cheap.

Bake things that smell delicious. Harness your inner domestic diva and use it to whip up several dozen batches of cookies and muffins. If you’re lucky, the sweet scent will hypnotize the object of your affection and draw him to you like a moth to a flame… or Lindsay Lohan to an open bar. Bonus points if you leave a fresh apple pie cooling on the window sill in plain sight. You little June Cleaver, you.

If June Cleaver were a cat.

Regular, good old fashioned stalking. This is the least expensive, and arguably, most foolproof way of securing your man. It works like this: hide, out of eyesight, in your living room window. Wait (Bring snacks, cause this could take a while). If he is a runner do this dressed in full workout gear. When you see him leave his house, dash out of your front door and immediately begin jogging into step beside him.. and then BAM! Serendipitous encounter.

Have the sudden urge to borrow something. You could go with the standard cup of flour or sugar, but why not create an air of mystery by asking for something really obscure- like two 48-inch diameter plywood discs for that hovercraft you’re building in the backyard. Can he see it? No, it’s not… uh…. ready yet. But maybe once it’s done you can take him for a “ride”. wink wink. nudge nudge.
Feign a lost pet. Print up some signs, complete with a picture of your “lost” Golden Retriever puppy, and ask him to help you put them up all over the neighbourhood. Cause really, who could say no to little Cooper?


and if none of these suggestions work, then I guess as a last ditch effort you could:
Talk to him like a normal person. But that’s way less fun. And way more awkward. I’d go with the lemonade stand.
Good luck, and happy creeping!
xo,
BreezyK

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And there you have it. How jealous are you of me now that you know she’s my real life friend?! If you want to read more of BreezyK, CLICK ON THIS LINK—–> The Camel Life. Because she’s awesome.

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Because the Greatest Cockblock of all is happening to me

Urban Dictionary, the new Webster for those of you who didn’t get the memo, defines  the word cockblock as: “The act of obstructing one person’s advances towards another.” My best friend Bernice describes a cockblock as ANYTHING that comes in the way of things going the way you planned. A flat tire, hailstones, bad hair days, the Toronto Transit Commission, and chlamydia are shining examples of the many cockblocks one can encounter.

If however, you are still unsure of what a cockblock is and the kind of humorously terrible situations it creates, you’re in for a treat. Today, all you lucky ducks get to read a pretty freaking compelling post on it.

People always ask me why I’m single. For future reference, please note that this is a horrible question to ask single people. Regardless, I know I’m single because I suffer from a peculiar condition known as Dating ADD. I have no patience to explain what that means because that’s not what this is about. Until fairly recently I stopped blaming men for my relationship failures and realised it would be colossally narcissistic of me to blame the Universe. The universe had more important things to tend to then to get in the way of my sexytimes. I’m starting to reevaluate that theory now.

The whole story actually begins two and a half years ago when I moved closer to the city where possibilities of having an awesome life were endless. The first thing I did back then was join the gym because that’s what kinesiologists do. Barely two days later I saw the man who made me weak in the knees despite all the rigorous quad strengthening exercises I did.

For the purposes of convenience we will call this man Astro Boy. Because of his astronomically beautiful smile of course. So intrigued was I by Astro Boy that he guest starred as the “Lat Pull Down” guy in my first Freshly Pressed post “Karen’s Guide to Maximising Gym Workouts”. Anyway, for months after that all I could do was worship from afar. I may come off as a straight talking bitch on my blog, but I’m a gigantic pansy in real life.

It was love at first stretch

I saw Astro Boy everywhere. At the gym, at the subway station, walking home from work, at the grocery store..

Finally last summer, fate dealt me a sweet card. I was coming home from work one tired afternoon and from a distance I saw a shirtless douchebag running on my street. I judge anyone who runs outside without a shirt as a douchebag. Since douchebag and I were moving towards each other, it wasn’t long before I realised that the douchebag was Astro Boy.

For the rest of the summer, Astro Boy ran around the block without a shirt and everytime this happened I heard the song “I only have eyes for you” by The Flamingos play in my head. To be fair to him, it was a pretty hot summer. I found out later that he lives in the house that is directly across the street from mine. All this time, Astro Boy was literally the boy next door.

And all this time, not a word was exchanged between us.

If only life were this simple

Now that you know this back story, I can proceed to educate you on the concept of cockblockism.

 It was Friday night and I was in a frenzy to get to the Greyhound station. I was scheduled to be on the 12:30am night bus to Montreal. Yes, this happened last week. The elevator doors opened to the Greyhound station and the first face I saw sitting in the waiting area with a large suitcase of his own was Astro Boy.

I tried to keep a cool head, which is not easy when you’re freaking out. And because life is humorous, the only two available seats was either one next to a crazy man who was talking to himself or one next to Astro Boy. For a second of pure insanity, I seriously debated sitting next to the crazy guy.

But I regained my senses and sat next to Astro Boy. I could sense him looking at me but I did what any nervous person would do. I pretended that I had a thousand text messages to respond to. A quick glance at the bus schedule on the screen told me there was only one bus scheduled to depart from Toronto at that time. And that was the 12:30am night bus to Montreal. After two and a half years of  gaping creepily and listening to The Flamingos, the Universe was finally handing me an opportunity on a silver platter by putting both of us on the same bus for the next 8 hours.

He finally got up to join the bus line outside and as he passed by, he looked straight at me and smiled. It took me a while to collect myself and join the line too. We were five people away from each other in the line up and those 10 minutes were spent stealing glances. He finally got to the front of the line and sat at the window seat. 

There comes a time in one’s life when you have to overcome your fears and go for it. And when that time comes, you have to not care about the aura of dumbassery that will inevitably surround you when you do go for it. With that in mind, I stood there in that line with a firm resolve to go up to him and introduce myself. There was a feeling of peace that surrounded this decision and I knew the time had come. I handed my ticket to the driver trying to think of witty ways I would begin the fateful conversation with Astro Boy.

Where are you going Miss?” I heard the driver ask.

Montreal.” I say in a dream-like voice. “This is the 12:30 bus to Montreal, is it not?”

It most definitely is ma’am“, said the driver. “But you’re not on this bus.”

What?

I looked at the driver confused while he proceeded to explain to me how he was going to cockblock me from Astro Boy.

Miss, you have a ticket for the Greyhound. This is Megabus. Megabus and Greyhound are two completely different companies. I’m sorry. I can’t let you get on this bus. The Greyhound is the next bus. You’ll have to join that line“.

I stared at the driver dumbly. “Can I not just get on this one? They’re both going to the same place. I already have a ticket”.

Sorry. You’re not getting on this bus.”

“I only have eyes for you” abruptly stopped playing. I walked over to the next bus and didn’t look back.

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There were several cockblocks at play that night and till today I am unable to decide which was the biggest one. One thing I know for sure, summer is coming. And its a lot harder to muster the courage to talk to someone attractive when they’re shirtless. I’m sure all of you, male and female, can attest to this fact.

Until an opportunity slaps me in the face again two years from now, I will continue come home from work everyday with hopes of seeing a shirtless douchebag Astro Boy running down my street.