Friday Chronicles: It’s totes the weekend!

In the eloquent words of Rebecca Black…it’s FRIDAY!  Good job all you hard-working angel-faces and welcome to this week’s edition of The Friday Chronicles. I’ll be honest, it’s kind of been a slow week in the news. Partly because I’ve been walking around in a zombie-like state after my Montreal weekend of sleep-deprived goodtimes. And partly because the news hasn’t been that LOLZ worthy.

Nonetheless, I’ve been working hard on bringing you some Friday randomness to finish off your work week.  So kick off your shoes, pop a Valium and get ready for this week’s roundup of the world’s ridiculousness and mediocrity.

Let me  begin with a news item that highlights the failure of not finding an actual news item:

1) Karen learns about One Direction and some new slang  from her patients:

Shakespeare rolled in his grave on Wednesday when my 42-year-old patient informed me that her 16-year-old daughter “totes loves One Direction.” I puzzled over the numerous questions that came to mind when I heard that sentence. Like for example, does her daughter have a penchant for tote bags? Does she only like to drive on uni-directional streets? Would I go in the Guinness Book of Records as the first 25-year-old to display symptoms of dementia? After finding out that One Direction was an MTV spawn of pubescent fetuses making 16-year-old girls feel indie about not having Beiber fever, I realised that maybe I was going totes going cray-cray after all. Translation: I’m getting old.

Hey girl, why choose one Beiber when you can have five?

Speaking of fetuses…

2) Jennifer Lopez is reportedly dating one:

Jenny from the block in a recent interview with Vogue, told the world that her 24-year-old boyfriend Casper Smart is “a good egg” . Just how much of a bad egg was Marc Anthony? Bebe Smart, who shares his first name with everybody’s favorite ghost, indeed does share some of the same personality traits with the friendly spirit. They are both look friendly, and according to Cray-Cray Lopez, Bebe Smart is “sweet and loving” too which really just means that he’s good in bed.  Most of all, they actually look like alike. Hmm..

Casper the friendly fetus

Casper the friendly ghost








Moving on…

 3) Gordon Ramsey sues a Montreal eatery for 3 million buckeroos:

I’ll be honest. The only reason this story made it to the Chronicles is because it involves food, drama and Montreal. Ramsey basically lost his shit when Montreal restaurant Laurier BBQ cut him out as a business partner and defamed his name. The chef, who’s famous for defaming other people, denies that he even agreed to operate the restaurant or act as a consultant. Now he’s suing  for 2 million in potential revenue loses from a restaurant he claims he never agreed to operate, $500,000.00 for defamation and the rest of it for expenses that go with being the giant divo that he is. Just goes to show, never mess with the Ramsey for revenge is a dish served with a *beeep*ing 3-million dollar lawsuit.

4) Teens worldwide take to “The Cinnamon Challenge”:

No, this is not a cute little Starbucks promotion for some new line of cinnamon infused baked goods. Perhaps something like “I challenge you to try out our new questionable vegan cinnamon onion cupcake absolutely free.” Alas! No vegan cinnamon onion cupcakes for anyone…which I guess is just as well. Instead, it is a disturbing phenomenon wherein in a display of colossal stupidity, teenagers have been swallowing a teaspoon of cinnamon. The adrenaline junkies from this bunch of pubescent Einsteins have also attempted to inhale it. Which begs the question…whatever happened to glue? Or crushed Tylenol? Or cough medicine? Or cocaine? I miss the good old days when you didn`t have to go snooping around your mother`s spice rack everytime you got bored.

More about the cinnamon challenge here.

5) New Jersey runs out of toilet paper: (Clearly by now you can see that this has indeed been a slow week for The Friday Chronicles)

Trenton residents seem to be quite literally shit out of luck. This past week apparently saw some budget cuts in New Jersey’s capital city which was serious enough to wipe out toilet paper supplies from police stations, fire stations and some municipal offices. If you read last week’s edition of the Friday Chronicles, you might recall that I ran the story of Anita Narre who suffered the shitty problem of not having a toilet. In dire situations like this, Trentoners must turn to the philosophy of WWAND -What would Anita Narre Do? Or as my best friend and New Jersey resident Bernice would say “Make friends with a Kleenex box”.

Full Story here.

6) St. Patrick’s day celebrations turns awry in London, ON:

Riots broke out in London, Ontario when some drunken fools took to the streets and started…well rioting I guess. I decided to go with this story with excited intentions of making lame jokes about the irony of how St. Patrick stood for everything opposite of rioting and breaking glass windows for no apparent reason. But then I stopped and thought, wait…what the heck did St. Patrick exactly do? Upon extensive investigation on Google, I found nothing. He did help shoo away some snakes, although that was later dismissed as a rumor spread by rambunctious leprechauns. My patients, who are mostly old Catholic Italian nonnas were interrogated in this matter as well and the verdict of the masses was unanimous. Poor St. Paddy was now essentially being seen as the patron saint for parades and beer. Sometimes Ireland and alcohol-poisoning. But mostly just parades.

Full story on the riots here.

And that my lovely friends, is my weekly round-up for you. I hope you all have a restful weekend. You totes deserve it! Until next time, be good and hide yo’ cinammon.