You asked for it and here it is! The second installment of the Friday Chronicles back by popular demand.
If you’re reading this right now, then you’re probably one of the emotionally strong few who made it through the work week barely breathing but relatively unscathed. As your reward for achieving this feat, I have spent my time searching far and wide for some end-of-the-week LOLZ for you.
So chill out on the couch, you tired warrior. Grab a cannoli, a glass (or tank) of your favorite crunk juice and give yourself a good thump on the back for making it through yet another soul-killing work week.
Let’s begin this newscast with some local happenings:
1) Toronto blogger receives the greatest WordPress accolade:
That’s right, doll faces! It’s been an exciting week for yours truly. After years of crying myself to sleep, my post “Ten Things I learnt from being a WordPress Blogger” FINALLY got Freshly Pressed on Tuesday March 13th, 2012.
Contrary to what many think, this is actually not the first time I got Freshly Pressed. My post “Karen’s Guide to Maximising Gym Workouts” was what started it all, but that was so many forevers ago that it doesn’t seem like it even happened. At the risk of sounding like a Hollywood cliché, I’m going to say that I dedicate this to all of my readers. Because let’s face it, without you guys egging me on, I would have stopped blogging long ago.
Also, you may or may not have noticed that I changed my blog name from ‘The Skinny Jeans and Starbucks Chronicles” to “The Chronicles of a Skinny Jeans Wearing Toronto girl”. I figure it was time to retire the free Starbucks endorsements. The blog website remains the same though, so this should cause no confusion with post updates if you are subscribed.
Anyway, let’s move on to some “real” news.
2) Ottawa resident deems unavailability of decent parking a human rights violation:
Patricia Howson became the patron saint of Mazda 5s when she recently lamented over the lack of parking space for her automobile. Some tears were allegedly shed before placing her tribulations over the other piles of better known human rights cases like public executions in certain Middle Eastern countries, the rape and sodomization of 8-year olds in certain African countries and obnoxiously long grocery lines in certain first world countries. Since it doesn’t look like any shit was given by The National Post, who ran this story, I wouldn’t put it past this car-wreck to call Jason Russell(the Kony 2012 fire-starter) to make her a 30 minute video.
Full story here.
Speaking of not giving a shit…
3) Indian woman leaves her marriage home in protest of not having a toilet:
Anita Narre and Patricia Howson (the Mazda 5 crazy) should clearly be on TLC’s Life Swap…if there is such a freak reality show. Mrs. Narre’s wedded bliss went down the toilet when she found that part of her wedding present was a bush in the backyard with her name on it. In an act of supreme ballsiness for a newly married Indian woman from a remote village, Narre left her marriage home and her idiotic husband and vowed not to return until she had a decent place to dump her crap. Mrs. Narre was later rewarded with an in-home toilet and Rs.$10,000 ($200.00 US) for her bravery.
Full story here.
Speaking of idiotic husbands…
4) Bachelor Ben Flajnik picks his bride after weeks of brain cell-murdering drama:
Millions of viewers across North America watched in horror as ABC’s Bachelor Ben Flajnik went down on one knee and proposed to batshit crazy model Courtney Roberston. Ben Flajnik, whose last name sounds like something that comes out of your nose when you have a bad infection, is a wine-maker from Sonoma, California. Flajnik was under fire throughout the season for his bad haircut and bad choices when he constantly favored Robertson who has been touted as “America’s Most Hated Woman” in the history of women, America and hatred. For those of you that actually watched this train-wreck season, am I the only one who thinks Ben is a genius? The guy garnered MAJOR publicity for his wine company AND landed a hot model in the bargain. If you were tuning in for the last several weeks to see Ben find true love then you might have saved yourself a lot of time and grief by just watching a heart-warming Disney movie instead.
Speaking of heart-warming…
5) Breakthrough Cancer pill offers hope to skin cancer sufferers:
All that running, baking, striping and other questionable forms of fund-raising for cancer have finally payed off. Researchers in England have come up with a skin cancer pill that “doubles the length of time that patients with skin cancer can survive”. This is some very welcome news seeing that as many as 11,000 people are diagnosed with metastatic melanoma in England each year. This is NOT to say however, that all you cancerless beach bum orangey oompa loompas should be throwing away your fake tan spray bottles (I’m lookin at you Jersey Shore) and running for the tanning beds. Cancer is a heartless bitch. And your only weapons are a prayer and sunscreen.
Full Story on the cancer pill here.
And finally, speaking of heartless bitches…
6) Halle Berry confirms reports that she is indeed engaged to Olivier Martinez:
Halle Berry, who has been painted in the past to be almost as crazy as Courtney Robertson, sat on Oprah’s famous couch years ago and vowed to America that she would never marry. Until sexy Frenchman Olivier Martinez came along. The Berry however, is not new to the charms of French men as she was famously linked with Montreal-born drop dead beautiful Gabriel Aubrey, and even created an unusually divine looking spawn with him. But let’s face it. The real focus here is not Halle’s impending nuptials, rather the age-old debate that has plagued the universe for decades:
Which French is better?
Canada`s young, irresistible Québécois French vs. France`s old school sexy nicotine-beaten French.
I leave you the pleasure and torture of deciding this one
Actually, by the time you read this I will be on my way to Montreal, Quebec for a little solo getaway weekend. While there, I fully intend on testing out some of that irresistible Québécois French candy. I can say with about 60% surety that you can expect a post on my travels and encounters with sexy French bakers trying to sell me their baguette. I say 60% just to account for my pathological laziness.
Thank you all for reading this week’s edition of the Friday Chronicles. Stay tuned next Friday for another weekly roundup. Until then, have a wonderful weekend and remember…when shit happens, be grateful you have a toilet.