Of all the things that have changed, blow-drying avocados is not one of them

Happy New Year you guys!!

Yes, it has been exactly 9 months since my last post. That’s enough time for a whole human being to come into existence. (This is NOT the reason for my disappearance)

It seems that I‚Äôve been through a series of life changes over the last 9 months. And not changes like, Oh hayyyyy…I bought a new plant.

No, I mean real changes!

1) I got a new job- no more skinny jeans to work, just corporate rags. That’s right…CORPORATE. And ‘corporate’, as we call know, is just another word for I have better looking people on my commutes.

2) I moved. I used to live in a basement with small windows.l have now upgraded!! ūüėÄ

Now I live in a basement with big windows). More importantly, it has shortened my commute time from one hour and a bus full of mass murderers to 30 mins and a couple of hobos.

3) I got a new boyfriend. Guys! ¬†I’m now actually dating an real human male, ¬†not a Ryan Gosling meme. I was able to ¬†confirm that we‚Äôre boyfriend/girlfriend when he changed his profile picture on Facebook (you know shit’s real when‚Ķ)

I thought this might be a good place to pick up where we left off- with big changes. I considered  changing my blog name and starting over but that made no sense. This was what I built everything on. But I will admit there will probably be some changes in content:

– Won’t have any more of my single girl escapades. We all know that was the cornerstone of this blog.

– Won’t talk about the suburb freaks on public transit. Now it will be the urbane freaks. Freaks all the same.

*Another new development that was totally missed out the first time around*- My best friend Bernice, who I have been friends with for over 10 years, got married (I wrote her a kick ass Maid of Honor speech) AND MOVED DOWN THE STREET FROM ME!!. Buh bye, Skype.  Hello many after work happy hours and pie dates!

On the flip side, here are the things that did not change:

– I still take public transit,

РI still live in Toronto ( Immigration Canada still sees me fit to live here.)

– I still find myself browsing feminist Ryan Gosling memes at 2am. Apparently dating someone does not magically make Ryan memes any less addictive. Sometimes I look at Grumpy Cat memes too.

– I still come home from work and lounge around with Suits/Mad Men/Dexter reruns.

This blog will be different but still the same as The Chronicles. It’s still me, just facing different things. But still blow-drying avocados in the winter.

Its good to be back, folks. Again. ūüėČ

What have all you guys been up to when I was gone?!

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Because the Greatest Cockblock of all is happening to me

Urban Dictionary, the new Webster for those of you who didn’t get the memo, defines¬† the word cockblock as: “The act of obstructing one person’s advances towards another.”¬†My best friend Bernice describes a cockblock as ANYTHING that comes in the way¬†of¬†things going the way you planned. A flat tire, hailstones, bad hair days,¬†the Toronto Transit Commission, and chlamydia¬†are shining examples of the many¬†cockblocks one can encounter.

If however, you are still unsure of what a cockblock is and the kind of humorously terrible situations it creates, you’re in¬†for a treat. Today,¬†all you lucky ducks get to read a pretty freaking compelling post on it.

People always ask me why I’m single. For future reference, please note that this is a¬†horrible question to ask single people. Regardless, I know I’m¬†single because I suffer from a¬†peculiar condition known as Dating ADD. I have no patience to explain what that means because that’s not what this is about. Until fairly recently I stopped blaming men for my relationship failures and realised it would be¬†colossally¬†narcissistic¬†of me to blame the Universe. The universe¬†had more important things¬†to tend to then to get in the way of my sexytimes. I’m starting to reevaluate that theory now.

The¬†whole story actually begins two and a half years ago when I moved closer to the city where possibilities¬†of having an awesome life were endless. The first thing I did back then was join the gym because that’s what kinesiologists do. Barely two days¬†later I saw the man who¬†made me weak in the knees despite all the rigorous quad strengthening exercises I did.

For the purposes¬†of convenience we will call this man Astro¬†Boy. Because of his astronomically beautiful smile of course. So intrigued¬†was I¬†by Astro¬†Boy that he guest starred as the “Lat Pull Down” guy in my¬†first Freshly Pressed post “Karen’s Guide to Maximising Gym Workouts”. Anyway, for months after that all I could do was worship from afar. I may come off as a straight talking bitch on my blog, but I’m¬†a gigantic pansy¬†in real life.

It was love at first stretch

I saw Astro Boy everywhere. At the gym, at the subway station, walking home from work, at the grocery store..

Finally last summer, fate dealt me a¬†sweet card. I was coming home from work one tired¬†afternoon and from a distance¬†I saw a shirtless douchebag¬†running on my street. I judge anyone who runs outside without a shirt as a douchebag.¬†Since douchebag¬†and I were¬†moving towards each other, it wasn’t long before I realised that the douchebag¬†was¬†Astro Boy.

For the rest¬†of the summer, Astro¬†Boy ran around the block without a shirt and everytime¬†this happened I heard the song “I only have eyes for you” by The Flamingos¬†play in my head. To be fair to him,¬†it was a pretty hot summer. I found out later that he lives in the house that¬†is directly across the street from mine. All this time, Astro Boy was literally the boy next door.

And all this time, not a word was exchanged between us.

If only life were this simple

Now that you know this back story, I can proceed to educate you on the concept of cockblockism.

 It was Friday night and I was in a frenzy to get to the Greyhound station. I was scheduled to be on the 12:30am night bus to Montreal. Yes, this happened last week. The elevator doors opened to the Greyhound station and the first face I saw sitting in the waiting area with a large suitcase of his own was Astro Boy.

I tried to keep a cool head, which is not easy when you’re freaking out. And because life is humorous, the only two available seats was either one next to a crazy man who was talking to himself or one next to Astro Boy. For a second of pure insanity, I seriously debated sitting next to the crazy guy.

But I regained my senses and sat next to Astro Boy. I could sense him looking at me but I did what any nervous person would do. I pretended that I had a thousand text messages to respond to. A quick glance at the bus schedule on the screen told me there was only one bus scheduled to depart from Toronto at that time. And that was the 12:30am night bus to Montreal. After two and a half years of  gaping creepily and listening to The Flamingos, the Universe was finally handing me an opportunity on a silver platter by putting both of us on the same bus for the next 8 hours.

He finally got up to join the bus line outside and as he passed by, he looked straight at me and smiled. It took me a while to collect myself and join the line too. We were five people away from each other in the line up and those 10 minutes were spent stealing glances. He finally got to the front of the line and sat at the window seat. 

There comes a time in one’s life when you have to overcome your fears and go for it. And when that time comes, you have to not care about the aura of dumbassery¬†that will inevitably surround¬†you when¬†you do go for it. With that in mind, I stood there in that line with a firm resolve to go up to him and introduce myself. There was a feeling of peace that surrounded this decision¬†and I knew the time had come. I handed my ticket to the driver trying to think of witty ways I would begin the fateful conversation with Astro Boy.

Where are you going Miss?” I heard the driver ask.

Montreal.” I say in a dream-like voice. “This is the 12:30 bus to Montreal, is it not?”

It most definitely is ma’am“, said the driver. “But you’re not on this bus.”

What?

I looked at the driver confused while he proceeded to explain to me how he was going to cockblock me from Astro Boy.

Miss, you have a ticket for the Greyhound. This is Megabus. Megabus and Greyhound are two completely different companies. I’m sorry. I can’t let you get on this bus. The Greyhound is the next bus. You’ll have to join that line“.

I stared at the driver dumbly. “Can I not just get on this one? They’re both going to the same place. I already have a ticket”.

Sorry. You’re not getting on this bus.”

“I only have eyes for you”¬†abruptly stopped playing. I walked over to the next bus and didn’t look back.

____________________________________________________

There were several cockblocks at play that night and till today I am unable to decide which was the biggest one. One thing I know for sure, summer is coming. And its a lot harder to muster the courage to talk to someone attractive when they’re shirtless. I’m sure all of you, male and female, can attest to this fact.

Until an opportunity slaps me in the face again two years from now, I will continue come home from work everyday with hopes of seeing a shirtless douchebag Astro Boy running down my street.