Willing to lie about how we met: A guide to keeping it real with online dating

I think it’s about time I came clean and confess something. For the past few months or so, I have resorted to the realm of online dating. Well, this was not so much a confession as it is what I thought would be a good segway into giving you folks a play-by-play into the stupid monkey dance I do in my valiant efforts at finding everlasting true love.

From the very start, the one problem I had with online dating was that it took away my fairytale. Now when people asked, I wouldn’t be able to tell them we met when he rescued me from a urinating homeless man on the subway, or that my hot neighbour knew it was love at first sight when he saw me innocently washing his car in my daisy duke shorts that I specifically bought for the occasion.

Regardless, the thought of the immense potential I have of becoming a cat owner, or worse my Indian mother searching for a worthy suitor for me were incentives enough to swallow my pride and bite the bullet.

In my findings, online dating basically is a four-stage, blindfolded journey through the jungles of modern-day MTV love. And if you ever decide to get on this bandwagon, don`t be afraid embarrased. I`m here to give you a taste of what you possibly could be getting into:

Stage 1: The Hunt

Also known as: The Profile Search

Real Life Equivalent: Scanning the bar for people who don`t look like they conduct secret gatherings in their basement to read out the Communist Manifesto.

Much like in real life, your profile search will lead you to find both decent and douche alike. You can tell decent by a normal smiley picture taken at a wedding, usually including a puppy in the background. Douche by a shirtless, Instagram photo taken in the bathroom mirror, usually including a tank of protein supplements in the background.

It’s at times like this that you have to remember that you are here because you couldn`t get a date in real life to save your life. Beggars can`t be choosers. Even douches deserve everlasting true love. Even if only for their excellent photog skills.

Once you have picked a profile that looks like it could have potential to go far…and by ‘far’ I mean enough to make you overcome the urge to fling your laptop at your plant Penny, you will find yourself in Stage 2.

Stage 2: The Size up

Also known as: Scanning a profile for character flaws by subconcisouly judging their grammar

Real Life Equivalent: Making eye contact with someone who looks like they hail from a decent gene pool while trying to see if you can find hints of axe murderer in their eyes.

Reading through profiles is a crucial step in finding your soulmate, let me tell ya! By now after scanning through hordes of profiles, you would have found a few key similarities in everyone who joins dating sites:

1) They’re ALL loving their single life.

2) They ALL love to travel.

3) Their ALL are on this site because their sick of the bar scene.

While this ALL sounds dreamy, let me  bitchslap you out of online oblivion. People who LOVE being single are usually found in cloistered convents and Siberian mountain caves…not online dating sites.

And perhaps it WOULD be better to meet someone at a bar, because if you are anything like me, you’d be more inclined to talk to them when you are blissfully unaware of ‘they’re’ inability to properly use contractions and possessive pronouns.

Yes. It is THAT simple.

That being said, please don’t be like me. Give people a break and move on to Stage 3.

Stage 3: Establishing interest

Also known as: Swallowing your pride and showing the lucky POI (person of interest) you think they’re rad enough to warrant 3 more seconds of your time.

Real Life Equivalent: Letting decent gene pool lover buy you a drink while knowing they’re probably mentally undressing you.

You swallowed your pride, charged your credit card and spent countless hours stalking a wide array of photos, wondering who’s worthy enough to see your 50 shades of cray. You made it this far, you might as well go in for the kill. Shoot an email. Take a stab at a corny joke to break the ice. Even take a jab at yourself if that starts the ball rolling.

Please note that the homicidal terms of “kill”, “shoot”, “stab” and “jab” are not an indication of how you are subconsciously feeling at this point. Obviously.

And if you’re too shy or illiterate, there’s always The Wink. This is perhaps the greatest thing about online dating. You do not have to put yourself out there and risk rejection. In real life: you buy someone a drink; in cyber life: you wink.

In most online dating cases, a wink has usually gotten me a date. In most real life cases, a wink would have most likely gotten me a restraining order.

So send that email. Its more likely you’ll get to Stage 4 if you do.

Stage 4: The Meet up

Also known as: The date

Real Life Equivalent: Going out on a date.

There are several things that could have gone wrong with your email exchange:

1) The loser never responded.

2) The corny joke I asked you to make was too corny. Or not corny enough.

3) Their response was something like this: “hey ya, haha gud joke. where u frm? maybe we cud get like a drnk or somethin ur hot txt me bak”

But let’s be optimistic here and assume none of that happened and you scored a date with an awesome possum.

Congratulations you little love warrior! You did it! 🙂 See? Online dating isn’t so bad.

The Aftermath:

Unfortunately, I cannot guide you any further on the actual date. Perhaps I’d be a little more qualified if I had an actual success. However, there are only three ways it could go:

1) Really well.

2) Really not well.

3) Limbo- Stop reading this and refer to the book “He’s just not that into you”

For the sake of optimism again and to end this post on a high note, let’s say that over a pitcher of sangria, you both saw your unborn children in each other’s Pinot-glazed eyes.

Huzzah! Success!

This does indeed happen (sometimes), and all you singletons out there HAVE to believe that this will happen to you one day. 

Whether you find your dreamboat lover online or offline, there IS someone out there who will accept you for the complicated, delusional, imperfect, crazy bitch that you are. Someone that will make all the hours of wasted time scouring profiles worth every second.

And when that happens, shoot me an email to thank me for guiding you through that dark moment in your life when you whipped out your credit card in quiet resignation.

I’ll even take a wink.

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26 thoughts on “Willing to lie about how we met: A guide to keeping it real with online dating

  1. Hahahah I loved this post! I was visiting my BFF in Australia a couple of months ago, and one thing we did was go through a dating site to try to scope out some profiles for him (he’s a perpetual bachelor, forever friendzoned by the girls he likes).

    It was exactly as you described, except I think he was being just a tad bit too picky. In the end, ZERO winks were sent out, and his status as a perpetual bachelor continues.

    I’m glad you got to stage 4! All the best on conquering that stage soon! If only it was a videogame, and you could just check out gamefaqs.com for a step-by-step walk-thru!

      • Nah… we weren’t in the paid section of the site, so we didn’t even have access to their profile photos. We were judging entirely on their text profiles, which is probably why my friend was so picky. I mean, it’s not that I’m expecting to find some drop-dead gorgeous girl on there for him, but so long as you find a nice smile or something, that will already give him the incentive to at least send an introduction over, right?

        At least you’re trying out the dating sites! You’ve got the drive, whereas he’s almost resigned to being a monk.

  2. I actually met my last long-time girlfriend on a dating site. We’re still really close.

    My last girlfriend in general I met in a bar. Most insane person I have ever known. She was great until I tried having a conversation and she said she wanted to behave like a cat. Don’t get me wrong, she did everything a cat would do but it was a little much.

    I think the most important rule in anything you do is never think you’re better than everyone else doing the same thing you are. Too many people think they’re “above” online dating. Then why are you doing it? Give everyone a chance. You’re not uber alles.

    • How is it that you meet the most interesting people?!? Meanwhile, I get stuck with people who pee in front of me on the first date. :/

      I once went out with a guy I met online who absolutely insisted that I lie to his friends about how we met :S I think its the stigma attacted to online dating that gets people on the defensive.

      That being said you may be on to something with that rule. Lack of humility is my biggest downfall. I give zero chances when it comes to people who take shirtless pictures of themselves….and people who typE n txt lyk dis.

      • People tell me they’re very comfortable around me and they can be themselves. What this means is everyone is insane and because I am accepting I have to deal with it. Ugh

  3. This is exactly how I imagine my attempt of online dating would play out, however i still haven’t built up the courage to make Stage One. I hope you have tales of heart shapeed chocolates, teddybears & floral bouquets to share with us soon. Oh wait there’s no such thing as DisneyDating.com is there…

    Just for you 😉

  4. Hey Karen!
    So this is where you’ve been hiding 😉
    Online dating is definitely becoming a bigger thing nowadays. When do people have time to meet other people in their daily life?! I’ve seen a few success stories so far, hopefully the best of luck will come your way 😉

    • Hey heyy!

      Hahah yes, I`ve been trolling through online profiles. There really are quite a few successes. But I guess it would depend on how you define success. The way I see it, even if things dont romantically work out, if you had a good time with the person then I think it was worth the time and effort.

      After all, we kind of met online too right? 😛
      But thank you for the luck…no one else has peed in front of me…yet. lol

      • Haha true, our sisterly love affair did start online =P

        And yes, I agree that “success” can take on other definitions than the obvious one 🙂

  5. OMG, how weird is this. I stumbled here (without the aid of alcohol), by the way of your gravatar on Mooselicker and onto your *nice* post about online dating. I swear, there’s a rash of them on WordPress lately. I just posted about online dating and a commenter on my post also did a post about it (a guy). Hmmm… maybe we could do a little WordPress hookup here? He looks more to be about your age range! 😉

    • hahah by *nice* you mean not really *nice* right? I’ve been so out of touch wth WP lately, I had no idea what the favorite blog topic of the month is. I looked at your humourous post. I’m waiting for the profile dissection. A wordpress hookup…that would make an even better blog post! Thanks for stopping by my blog. Good ol’Moose!
      I’ll be keeping an eye out for your future posts! 😉

  6. Too funny ma’am and too true! I fell victim of accidental online dating when I met someone on Chatroulette (I am aware I am going to lose any credibility as a normal human being now). Drunken boredom can lead to bad decisions, but this one actually worked out.

  7. I did date someone who I met via a dating website, so I recognize a lot of what you wrote above. Personally, I believe this whole online thing to be even worse than the real life thing. Just finding someone you see fit is hard enough. Especially when you come to the moment where you have to make ‘blind’ contact. Not to mention asking one for a date. Somehow I almost pick the wrong person to make contact with all the time. Oh man. Where can I rent I am just not that in to you?

    I am not real good at flirting and such, but I often have more luck with the actual rea ldeal.

  8. Hilarious! I only laughed once… starting at the second sentence and didn’t stop until the last. It’s a great post! Thank you for the hints. (And thank GOD I’m already in a relationship. *grin*)

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