Hello all you work week warriors and welcome to a brand new edition of the Friday Chronicles. Well, I suppose this would be the Tuesday Chronicles, wouldn’t it? I must apologise for my Friday absence. It was a bit of a busy weekend for me. You know how it is sometimes. But never fear, I haven’t forgotten you 😉
For any newbies, the Friday Chronicles is when I subject you to harebrained and asinine stories of actual human beings who live among us so you can laugh at them and feel better about yourselves.
Without further ado, let’s jump on this:
The first story of the week came to my attention courtesy of my bff Bernice.
1) Penis tattoo causes permanent erection in Iranian Man:
You read that right. As a disclaimer: all puns in this news item are completely intentional. Anyway, in a nutshell, this ballsy 21-year-old got the words “Good luck on your journeys” done in some perma ink on his little man. I suppose this would be the polite thing to say to someone riding you. The obvious medical complication that immediately followed this already has Hugh Hefner’s dentures in a tizzy and his housekeeper (housebunny?)throwing away his Viagra while he makes his way to the nearest tattoo parlor.
Would you ever get a tattoo in your field of gold? What would it say? Did I just called one’s nether region a field of gold?
Full story on the dick tattoo here.
2) Non-vegetarians save(d) the world:
Here’s something to justify supersizing your triple bacaonator. In a recent study done by researchers in Lund University, Sweden, switching to a meat diet apparently was the reason why humankind was successful in populating the planet in the first place. The reasoning behind this was that “women would wean their children earlier and give birth to more children and quicker”. Furthermore, “hunting required people to step up their communication skills, plan and use tools. These new developments required bigger brains, which our robust new diets helped us develop”.
I’m not too sure how far a “robust new diet” of Double Downs and pork bone soup will take you. What I do know though is that cooking kale also requires a whole new type of communication skills (fighting with Google for kale recipes that won’t make you throw up), planning (on how you going to cut a vegetable bigger than the size of your kitchen counter) and using tools (such as a weed whacker) to get the job done. In all the time that it took to write this, I could have inhaled my BigMac and spared vegetarians of more ridicule.
3) Why some people cannot tell between their left and their right:
And when I say “some people”, I obviously just mean me. I always like to josh people around, telling them how I’m so directionally-challenged that I can barely differentiate between my left and right. Turns out this is a real thing. A survey done in 1978 found that right-left confusion was indeed common. Although everyone was clueless why, the study did point out that it was mostly women who suffered this problem.
Some 34 years later, a really smart guy, who can probably tell the difference between his right and left, from the Center for Sensorimotor Neural Engineering at the University of Washington still doesn’t know why. The article has a whole jambalaya of possible theories, none of which I’m able to paraphrase into normal people English, but one thing’s for sure: after years of being laughed for my left-right confusion, I can now direct people to this article, after which I will STILL always be laughed at.
Full story of the left-right confusion here.
4) NGOs advocate for Indian women’s right to pee for free:
I have now come full circle with my fascination of Indian women not being able to pee. It all began a few weeks ago with Anita Narre, a villager who left her marriage home because her shitty husband refused to have an indoor toilet. Now apparently, unlike their male counterparts, women are not allowed to pee for free in public washrooms. While this whole drama may sound shockingly unfair for most of you, the real shocker here (at least for me) is the fact that the words “public washroom” in India is an actual public washroom and not the railroad tracks.
I have nothing more to say on this subject except that women in India should not only have free access to public washrooms but also a candy vending machine inside. Who doesn’t love to eat candy while they read obscenities and hover over a seat full of hepititis and broken dreams.
Full story here.
5) Woman seeks Worker’s Compensation for sex injury:
In a classic case of promoting stupidity in the workplace, a judge ruled in favor of granting Worker’s comp to an Australian woman who injured herself having some sexytimes in her hotel room while on a business trip. The judge stated that even if this crazy bitch was just playing cards and injured herself while on this business trip, she would have been covered. Hence, why not for sex.
I know you’re probably waiting for all my smartass comments on this, but really all I have is one angry list of grievances for my boss that I want compensation for:
1) The delicious chocolate she buys from Costco. For making me fat, lazy and a promising diabetic.
2) The paper cuts I get on my tongue because I’m too freaking lazy to use glue on envelopes.
3) That time I almost fell and broke my face because I was twirling around in my new office chair and got up too fast. I didn’t actually fall or break my face but I think I’m entitled to 5 paid vacation days for psychological stress.
4) Speaking of psychological stress, what about that time I microwaved my metal fork with my lunch and almost blew up the microwave? Hmm?
5) All the years I spent working in Canada when I could have been working in Australia and getting compensated for being a dumbass.
Full story of these cray-cray Aussies here.
And that’s about it for the Friday/Tuesday Chronicles. Better late than never is what I say! Stay tuned on Friday when I once again make you read a whole of horse crap from around the world to impress your friends with. Until then, good luck on all your journeys.
Also, here’s a fun poll for you: