It’s Friday again, dollfaces! After my Good Friday
abstenance from bitchiness and sarcasm hiatus due to me being hypoglycemic and hungry, I am back in the pink of health ready to throw in my unnecessary two cents on the random and the ridiculous behaviour of human beings.
Although, there were two weeks worth of news to cover, I was lazy and unvigilant (unvigilant: probably not an actual word) to pick some Friday Chronicles-worthy ones. So, get ready to put up with and celebrate mediocrity this week.
We will begin with some news from my friendly neighbours down south:
1) Ice cream man accused of selling pot:
Move over Kelis and put some clothes on while you’re at it. Alexander Hoskins’ ice-cream now brings everyone to the yard. Including several fun-ruining law enforcement individuals. The 20-year-old Maryland resident, who was found to have stashes of marijuana among his Rocky Roads and Cocoa Jamochas in his icecream truck, was allegedly selling a little somethin’-somethin’ more than freezy-pops to teenagers and young adults. Either Mr. Hoskins is extremely ballsy to be dealing out of an ice-cream truck, the very symbol of innocence and frightening childhood nightmares or extremely dumb to think he could make money off of the brokest and stupidest section of society. Regardless, I don’t know why I bothered with this story.
2) Ryan Gosling saves the day…AGAIN:
Canada’s National Treasure Ryan Gosling left millions of women swooning in their panties once again when news spread like syphilis in a frat house that he saved a woman’s life by grabbing her and pulling her out of the way of an incoming vehicle. This incident is just another ovulation-inducing event in the phenomenon of saint-like behavior displayed by this Canadian SUPERSTAR. Until fairly recently, it had come to my knowledge that Gosling had a place in the swanky neighbourhood of Yorkville in downtown Toronto.
Ryan you beautiful soul, one day our paths will cross. Quite possibly soon since from now on I’ll be spending most of my Friday and Saturday nights stepping into oncoming traffic on Bloor Street with hopes of being grabbed and pulled by you.
3) Canada ranks fifth in “happiness survey”:
Its true. The only guys happier than us are the Dutch and those damn Scandinavians. But we all know that’s only the case because they have tulips, better weather, better health care, better education, better life and legalized marijuana. In an effort to be a little proactive, I asked a bunch of people if this survey truly represented the average Canadian. Maybe this “bunch of people” shouldn’t have ALL been my patients because I guess its pretty hard to be enthused about being happy when you’re an old, pensionless, arthritis-stricken Italian immigrant.
That being said, everyone was generally happy that we beat the US, who came in 11th.
Full story on the happiest and saddest countries here.
4) Adam Levine splits from his long-term girlfriend Anne V.:
Some more panty-twisty news for you ladies:. This love between Maroon 5’s
manwhore frontman Adam Levine and Russian supermodel Anne V. has finally taken its toll. Because she said goodbye. (See what I just did there with the cleverly twisted lyrics?…you’re welcome all of 2 and a half Maroon 5 fans out there) Anne V., who’s last name is a 12 syllable unpronounceable Russian word starting with the letter V, strutted out the door on realising (after two whole years) that marriage is a deal breaker for Levine.
Levine for his part is in misery, blindsided by the fact that Anne broke his heart because he didn’t want to marry her and now spends his days listening to “This Love” wondering where it all went wrong.
5) IT worker arrested for urinating in office chair:
I know what you’re thinking. Where the hell does this bitch find these stories?! I’m doing you a favor really. Now you have something to talk about when you’re on that awkward date with that guy you met at the bar.
Anyway, so this asshole (the IT guy, not your bar date. Although, he could be an IT asshole who pisses on chairs. Or in front of you while you’re sitting in the front seat of his car. Not that this has ever happened to me.) went around piddling on the chairs of all the sexy ladies in his office. Yes folks, this pisscake actually looked up photos of the attractive females in his company database and then went around waving his pipe onto their chairs. Because nothing says “you’re hot” like a little yellowish stain in your chair.
Full story on the pissing IT guy here.
Sadly, that’s all the time we have for the Friday Chronicles today. I hope your Friday the 13th did not bring any shitty luck on your end of the week. Stay tuned next week for more random news items. And if you happen to use any of these stories to impress friends, lovers or the guy at the bar you’re desperate to knock socks with, don’t forget to tell them where you heard it first! 😉
Have a great weekend, everyone!