Friday Chronicles: Roll up the Albino Rhino

In the name of randomness that usually underscores the Friday Chronicles, I googled the words ‘Friday quotes’  so I could have a hilarious opener for this week’s chronicles. You guys all deserve some opening hilarity for being so awesome. Sadly, this is what Google spewed out:

“I’m not that girl from Freaky Friday any more! I’m a real adult. In fact, I hate children! I hate them all!”- Lindsay Lohan

Here’s hoping all you guys had a better week than La Loco Lohan. If not, then here’s hoping you delay dousing yourself with gasoline for just enough time to read this week’s Chronicles.

What can I say…this was a pretty fun week in the news but I’ve been a little tired so if you sense a higher bitch index than usual, it’s just the crabby lady hormones talking. TMI? Indeed I believe so.

1) Tim Hortons begins its 2012 “Roll up the Rim” promotion:

This message is not brought to you by the Toronto tourism Board. If you are planning on visiting Toronto or just Canada in general, there is no better time than now. You may ask..why Karen? Why now when its -1o degrees celsius (14F for you Americans) and not when its 30 degrees celsius (hotter than you, America)?

Well, its Roll-up-the-Rim time, bitches! That’s right. Every year around spring time (subject to change) Tim Hortons Coffee House, Canada’s pride and joy, unveils Roll-up-the-Rim wherein after you are done guzzling your delicious Canadian beverage, you get the chance to bite at the rim (because it’s actually not that easy to roll) and win some cool prizes.However, because I’m a raging pessimist I usually never win anything.

The story of my life. Balled up fist and all. (www.thehammer.ca)

I also read the fine print that if you do win, Canadian residents will have to answer a skill-testing question. In case anyone asks, the Canadian national animal is the beaver. Not the moose. And not a yeti named Nantuck.

2) Kuwait plays Borat clip as Khazak national anthem:

The achingly rich country of Kuwait this year was host to the Arab Shooting Championship. Just that line should tell you that this is not a country you want to mess with. It’s probably why Maria Dmitrienko, the gold medal winner from Kazakhstan decided to just shut her gob and smile when she heard her beloved Kazakhstan’s national anthem replaced by the Borat spoof anthem, which basically talks about how Kazakhstan has the cleanest prostitutes in the region among its other positive attributes. The irony of it all is that Kuwait banned the movie Borat. Maybe that’s why they didn’t recognise the spoof when they “accidentally” played it off of someone’s bootleg Borat DVD. Oh you silly Kuwait you, always getting yourself in hot oil.

Full story here.

3) B.C. woman files human rights complain against restaurant about their beer:

Popular Canadian restaurant chain Earls came under fire recently when Ikponwosa (I.K.) Ero, a Vancouver resident complained to the Human Rights Tribunal that the restaurant’s beer “Albino Rhino” was offensive to her and everybody else suffering from albinism. Ero claimed that she had to leave her home country of Nigeria where albinos were constantly attacked and come to Canada to restart her life only to have a beer named after her condition.

If you’re anything like me, then several questions would have burned through your mind. Like for example, how is this not offensive to rhinos? Is PETA vacationing in the Bahamas? And another thing, has anyone tried looking up “Albino Rhino” in Urban Dictionary? (Y’alls can go and look it up yourselves). Because TRUST ME. This has nothing to do with albinos…or rhinos for that matter. I’m just gonna go now and maul over the possibility of calling the use of the word “brownies” as offensive. You know, because I’m brown. Don’t pretend you didn’t notice.

Full story here.

4) Canada goose attacks man in Mississauga, ON:

First of all, two thousand points to any non-Canadian who can correctly pronounce the word Mississauga. U.S.A. residents not eligible since you guys have Mississippi and they’re kind of the same.  Canada humans are clearly not the only ones enraged by the sudden weather change to frigidity this week from last week’s summer heat. Canada geese who returned for spring from their Florida vacay has been throwing hissy fits all week, the biggest one being a couple of days ago when our squawking angry national bird chased a man and fought him over a bag lying on the sidewalk. Its unclear whether the bird was pissed because he was cold, or because he was in Mississauga. Both reasons are understandable.

Who said Canada was a safe place? (www.blogs.riverfronttimes.com)

Here’s the goose video for your LOLZ pleasure.

And finally,

5) Prince Harry says it’s so hard to find love because of his princely status:

Prince Harry in a candid interview indicated that his royal engagements often cockblock stand in the way of romance and sometimes wishes he was just a normal guy. Harry, you adorable Brit. If you’re reading this right now, after looking far and wide through my best Facebook photos, I found the one good reason why you should dry your endless tears:

I also have one in red and purple. In case gold is not your color.

And that concludes this week’s edition of the Friday Chronicles. Just a little note, there will not be Friday Chronicles next week on account of it being Good Friday and I’m a good Catholic who tries really hard for least one day in the year to be nice and less sarcastic. And I’ll be away from a computer for most part of that weekend.

Until the next blog post, have an awesome weekend and the Friday Chronicles will be back to entertain you in a couple of weeks!

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35 thoughts on “Friday Chronicles: Roll up the Albino Rhino

  1. #3 ha ha. Well I just have to read that again, like for real man, okay. Your brownie retort is great;) Also I’m laughing at the good catholic girl crossed out. Happy Easter or whatever you might celebrate on Spring Break!

  2. I NEVER win – well one time I got a cookie…but they only had the crappy chocolate chip ones when I went to claim…Roll Up The Rim is always such a disheartening time for me :-/ …J

    • LOL…I’m so with you on that one. You should have just kept it and gone another day to claim your cookie of choice. Did you know about this skill testing question though? It says so in the fine print but since I never won anything I never know if they actually ask you something.

      Its pretty ironic since most people who work at Timmies usually don’t even speak English that well to ask you anything. Unless of course one of you has worked at Timmies. In which case, this does not apply to you lol

  3. I’m going to miss this next week. But I’m predicting a very slow week. Nothing important in history has ever happened around Good Friday. At least nothing that I can think of. I’ll check my Farmer’s Almanac for predictions on this year’s current events.

    Roll up the Rim sounds kind of lame. Do you guys also have the Monopoly game at McDonalds every year? At least that you have to collect things. And I’m convinced they only make one Reading Railroad every year. I’m pretty sure that was the big prize, getting all the railroads.

    I’m sure you’re very proud of your home country for their faux pas. Just as proud as I am for knowing two people who insisted to me that the Borat National Anthem was true to its English translation. I don’t have a hand big enough to smack myself in the face with.

    • You are lucky that I’m not actually Canadian, otherwise you would have been severely reprimaded for that Roll up the Rim remark. Its something of a patriotic tradition here. But as a hopeful future Canadian, I must say as lame as it is, at least you have a 1 in 6 chance of stuffing your face with a free maple donut.

      Unlike McD’s monopoly, which I have never played but from the sounds of it sounds like the damn missing railroad would drive you to an early grave. You know from eating so many BigMacs in hopes of completing the collection.

      I’m always proud of Kuwait. About as proud as a mother who accidently stumbles upon her daughter’s Daytona beach spring break girls gone wild video while youtubing laughing baby kitten videos.

  4. I live in an area infested with Canadian Geese, and not only have I been attacked for walking into my favorite Caribou Coffee (I think the geese hate the animal the place is named after), the damn things have no modesty (the geese, not sure about mooses). One day as I was traversing a traffic light at a very busy intersection, two of your birds were in the middle of the intersection having afternoon sex. Of course, if this is an indication of a Canadian national human pastime, I may want to move up north 😉

    • Hah, doesnt everyone think that’s our national human pastime? Its why I moved here in the first place. Alas! I found out that Canadians are much too polite to have sex in the middle of busy intersections. Sometimes you will see some rebel Canadians throwing caution to the wind and going at it in the middle of King and Yonge. But they always profusely apologise to everyone around when they’re done.

      Regardless, I would encourage anyone to move here. Also, the carribou is on our quarter. So not ALL our money has Queen E’s mugshot on it.

  5. Love it!!! LoL!!! 🙂

    You really are a sparkling wit my friend! 🙂

    Hope to see you on the other side of good Friday hun! 🙂

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.

  6. Say it isn’t so!!! Well have a happy GOOD Friday and see you in two weeks? Remember us commoners when you and Harry Marry, will look for an invite to the wedding 🙂

  7. (How’s this for PMSing?…) What is it about Canada that when new settlers arrive they have to complain and be offended by every little stupid thing? A HUMAN RIGHTS ISSUE?! (What a waste of the court’s time, and the poor restaurant owner probably has to get a lawyer now.) Asshole, you lived in a country where Albino HUMANS are hunted and killed to be used like a rabbit’s foot, NOW you live in a country where you are liberated from this problem and get free health care. F’ck you, it’s not like the beer was called “Albino-Human Lucky-Charm.”
    I love brownies by the way. (and I wanna hear more about shirtless running guy – so get on that already) xo

    • The funny thing is most Tim Hortons employees dont even speak proper English to ask you said question.

      As for the other rant, this woman is not a new settler. She’s been here over 10 years already. Most new settlers are too busy being unemployed with their high qualifications. I myself am not Canadian yet even though I have studied and worked here for the past 8 years and never (to my recollection) have filed for any outlandish claim at the human rights tribunal. The government denied my last application. So yeh, it also seriously pisses me off that people like this are here and people (like me) who speak in full sentences and pays taxes on everything like I were a resident are overlooked. That’s my bitch rant.

      Anyway, who doesnt love brownies? They’re so sweet and luscious. Speaking of luscious, I did some asking around and found out that Astro Boy is Columbian and speaks fluent Spanish. Apart from that, I have yet to actually see him to work my magic. I saw his dad in the yard doing some gardening and was tempted to go and introduce myself as his future daughter in law. But I resisted.

      • That’s a great opportunity! Say, Hi to the dad first!…u can use that later on shirtless guy! ie. “Hi we’re neighbors, I met your dad the other day”… it’s so unassuming. Come on! You are just as Canadian now as anyone – we’re all friendly people! Who wouldn’t want a pretty girl like yourself to come over and say hello???!!!
        (and people like that Albino give all Canadians a bad name, like we all accept complaints like this, we’re too politically correct/accommodating and it take away from our freedom of speech/expression. It has really gone to far. I prefer how the French deal with such things. ie. “you’re in France now, take it or leave it.”)

  8. Pingback: Albino Rhino beer offends people with albinism « South of the Fork

  9. This post was jolly amusing.

    By the way I am not a prince but I am British and look awesome in a crown. Will you marry me?

    I found your Facebook page and think you look great in all the pictures. Even the rubbish, blurry ones.

    • Why thank you! 😀

      Very generous of you to offer your Britishness and your hand in marriage. If you are alright with standing in line and waiting, there’s a possiblity. I still have the Ryans (Gosling and Reynolds), Harry (the prince), Patrick Dempsey (the pretend doctor) and my neighbour all vying for my affections right now and I’m a fair person trying to give fair chances. 😉

      Thanks for creeping on my Facebook page though 🙂 Definite plus points when it comes to desicion making crunch time lol.

  10. Geese, no matter what nationality, are just pissy in general. They are quite possibly the meanest birds ever.

    That “roll up the rim” thing seems interesting. Much cooler than all those chains that give you the drink with tags on the side. Although it seems slightly unfair to require you to answer a skill-testing question. That seems like discrimination against the stupid. 🙂

    • I think if you find a goose in North America, its most likely Canadian because our proud ancestors claimed geese as their national bird. Nobody really fought them on it I’m guessing. Pretty the States just nodded in a fake sad manner while feeding their proud eagles.

      The skill testing question is pretty unfair. However, I assume that most normal people are able to question their crappy questions. And if a stupid person is asked a question and they cant answer it and they are refused, I’m sure they’ll file a human rights complaint soon enough for discrimination against stupidity.

  11. I can relate to you with number one, we have the McDonald’s Monopoly game every year, and every year I get a game card and collect pieces, but every year…nothing.

    And I was always a Prince Harry fan over Prince William, even when Prince William was popular. 🙂

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