In the name of randomness that usually underscores the Friday Chronicles, I googled the words ‘Friday quotes’ so I could have a hilarious opener for this week’s chronicles. You guys all deserve some opening hilarity for being so awesome. Sadly, this is what Google spewed out:
“I’m not that girl from Freaky Friday any more! I’m a real adult. In fact, I hate children! I hate them all!”- Lindsay Lohan
Here’s hoping all you guys had a better week than La Loco Lohan. If not, then here’s hoping you delay dousing yourself with gasoline for just enough time to read this week’s Chronicles.
What can I say…this was a pretty fun week in the news but I’ve been a little tired so if you sense a higher bitch index than usual, it’s just the crabby lady hormones talking. TMI? Indeed I believe so.
1) Tim Hortons begins its 2012 “Roll up the Rim” promotion:
This message is not brought to you by the Toronto tourism Board. If you are planning on visiting Toronto or just Canada in general, there is no better time than now. You may ask..why Karen? Why now when its -1o degrees celsius (14F for you Americans) and not when its 30 degrees celsius (hotter than you, America)?
Well, its Roll-up-the-Rim time, bitches! That’s right. Every year around spring time (subject to change) Tim Hortons Coffee House, Canada’s pride and joy, unveils Roll-up-the-Rim wherein after you are done guzzling your delicious Canadian beverage, you get the chance to bite at the rim (because it’s actually not that easy to roll) and win some cool prizes.However, because I’m a raging pessimist I usually never win anything.
I also read the fine print that if you do win, Canadian residents will have to answer a skill-testing question. In case anyone asks, the Canadian national animal is the beaver. Not the moose. And not a yeti named Nantuck.
2) Kuwait plays Borat clip as Khazak national anthem:
The achingly rich country of Kuwait this year was host to the Arab Shooting Championship. Just that line should tell you that this is not a country you want to mess with. It’s probably why Maria Dmitrienko, the gold medal winner from Kazakhstan decided to just shut her gob and smile when she heard her beloved Kazakhstan’s national anthem replaced by the Borat spoof anthem, which basically talks about how Kazakhstan has the cleanest prostitutes in the region among its other positive attributes. The irony of it all is that Kuwait banned the movie Borat. Maybe that’s why they didn’t recognise the spoof when they “accidentally” played it off of someone’s bootleg Borat DVD. Oh you silly Kuwait you, always getting yourself in hot oil.
Full story here.
3) B.C. woman files human rights complain against restaurant about their beer:
Popular Canadian restaurant chain Earls came under fire recently when Ikponwosa (I.K.) Ero, a Vancouver resident complained to the Human Rights Tribunal that the restaurant’s beer “Albino Rhino” was offensive to her and everybody else suffering from albinism. Ero claimed that she had to leave her home country of Nigeria where albinos were constantly attacked and come to Canada to restart her life only to have a beer named after her condition.
If you’re anything like me, then several questions would have burned through your mind. Like for example, how is this not offensive to rhinos? Is PETA vacationing in the Bahamas? And another thing, has anyone tried looking up “Albino Rhino” in Urban Dictionary? (Y’alls can go and look it up yourselves). Because TRUST ME. This has nothing to do with albinos…or rhinos for that matter. I’m just gonna go now and maul over the possibility of calling the use of the word “brownies” as offensive. You know, because I’m brown. Don’t pretend you didn’t notice.
Full story here.
4) Canada goose attacks man in Mississauga, ON:
First of all, two thousand points to any non-Canadian who can correctly pronounce the word Mississauga. U.S.A. residents not eligible since you guys have Mississippi and they’re kind of the same. Canada humans are clearly not the only ones enraged by the sudden weather change to frigidity this week from last week’s summer heat. Canada geese who returned for spring from their Florida vacay has been throwing hissy fits all week, the biggest one being a couple of days ago when our squawking angry national bird chased a man and fought him over a bag lying on the sidewalk. Its unclear whether the bird was pissed because he was cold, or because he was in Mississauga. Both reasons are understandable.
Here’s the goose video for your LOLZ pleasure.
5) Prince Harry says it’s so hard to find love because of his princely status:
Prince Harry in a candid interview indicated that his royal engagements often
cockblock stand in the way of romance and sometimes wishes he was just a normal guy. Harry, you adorable Brit. If you’re reading this right now, after looking far and wide through my best Facebook photos, I found the one good reason why you should dry your endless tears:
And that concludes this week’s edition of the Friday Chronicles. Just a little note, there will not be Friday Chronicles next week on account of it being Good Friday and
I’m a good Catholic who tries really hard for least one day in the year to be nice and less sarcastic. And I’ll be away from a computer for most part of that weekend.
Until the next blog post, have an awesome weekend and the Friday Chronicles will be back to entertain you in a couple of weeks!