Friday Chronicles: It’s totes the weekend!

In the eloquent words of Rebecca Black…it’s FRIDAY!  Good job all you hard-working angel-faces and welcome to this week’s edition of The Friday Chronicles. I’ll be honest, it’s kind of been a slow week in the news. Partly because I’ve been walking around in a zombie-like state after my Montreal weekend of sleep-deprived goodtimes. And partly because the news hasn’t been that LOLZ worthy.

Nonetheless, I’ve been working hard on bringing you some Friday randomness to finish off your work week.  So kick off your shoes, pop a Valium and get ready for this week’s roundup of the world’s ridiculousness and mediocrity.

Let me  begin with a news item that highlights the failure of not finding an actual news item:

1) Karen learns about One Direction and some new slang  from her patients:

Shakespeare rolled in his grave on Wednesday when my 42-year-old patient informed me that her 16-year-old daughter “totes loves One Direction.” I puzzled over the numerous questions that came to mind when I heard that sentence. Like for example, does her daughter have a penchant for tote bags? Does she only like to drive on uni-directional streets? Would I go in the Guinness Book of Records as the first 25-year-old to display symptoms of dementia? After finding out that One Direction was an MTV spawn of pubescent fetuses making 16-year-old girls feel indie about not having Beiber fever, I realised that maybe I was going totes going cray-cray after all. Translation: I’m getting old.

Hey girl, why choose one Beiber when you can have five?

Speaking of fetuses…

2) Jennifer Lopez is reportedly dating one:

Jenny from the block in a recent interview with Vogue, told the world that her 24-year-old boyfriend Casper Smart is “a good egg” . Just how much of a bad egg was Marc Anthony? Bebe Smart, who shares his first name with everybody’s favorite ghost, indeed does share some of the same personality traits with the friendly spirit. They are both look friendly, and according to Cray-Cray Lopez, Bebe Smart is “sweet and loving” too which really just means that he’s good in bed.  Most of all, they actually look like alike. Hmm..

Casper the friendly fetus

Casper the friendly ghost








Moving on…

 3) Gordon Ramsey sues a Montreal eatery for 3 million buckeroos:

I’ll be honest. The only reason this story made it to the Chronicles is because it involves food, drama and Montreal. Ramsey basically lost his shit when Montreal restaurant Laurier BBQ cut him out as a business partner and defamed his name. The chef, who’s famous for defaming other people, denies that he even agreed to operate the restaurant or act as a consultant. Now he’s suing  for 2 million in potential revenue loses from a restaurant he claims he never agreed to operate, $500,000.00 for defamation and the rest of it for expenses that go with being the giant divo that he is. Just goes to show, never mess with the Ramsey for revenge is a dish served with a *beeep*ing 3-million dollar lawsuit.

4) Teens worldwide take to “The Cinnamon Challenge”:

No, this is not a cute little Starbucks promotion for some new line of cinnamon infused baked goods. Perhaps something like “I challenge you to try out our new questionable vegan cinnamon onion cupcake absolutely free.” Alas! No vegan cinnamon onion cupcakes for anyone…which I guess is just as well. Instead, it is a disturbing phenomenon wherein in a display of colossal stupidity, teenagers have been swallowing a teaspoon of cinnamon. The adrenaline junkies from this bunch of pubescent Einsteins have also attempted to inhale it. Which begs the question…whatever happened to glue? Or crushed Tylenol? Or cough medicine? Or cocaine? I miss the good old days when you didn`t have to go snooping around your mother`s spice rack everytime you got bored.

More about the cinnamon challenge here.

5) New Jersey runs out of toilet paper: (Clearly by now you can see that this has indeed been a slow week for The Friday Chronicles)

Trenton residents seem to be quite literally shit out of luck. This past week apparently saw some budget cuts in New Jersey’s capital city which was serious enough to wipe out toilet paper supplies from police stations, fire stations and some municipal offices. If you read last week’s edition of the Friday Chronicles, you might recall that I ran the story of Anita Narre who suffered the shitty problem of not having a toilet. In dire situations like this, Trentoners must turn to the philosophy of WWAND -What would Anita Narre Do? Or as my best friend and New Jersey resident Bernice would say “Make friends with a Kleenex box”.

Full Story here.

6) St. Patrick’s day celebrations turns awry in London, ON:

Riots broke out in London, Ontario when some drunken fools took to the streets and started…well rioting I guess. I decided to go with this story with excited intentions of making lame jokes about the irony of how St. Patrick stood for everything opposite of rioting and breaking glass windows for no apparent reason. But then I stopped and thought, wait…what the heck did St. Patrick exactly do? Upon extensive investigation on Google, I found nothing. He did help shoo away some snakes, although that was later dismissed as a rumor spread by rambunctious leprechauns. My patients, who are mostly old Catholic Italian nonnas were interrogated in this matter as well and the verdict of the masses was unanimous. Poor St. Paddy was now essentially being seen as the patron saint for parades and beer. Sometimes Ireland and alcohol-poisoning. But mostly just parades.

Full story on the riots here.

And that my lovely friends, is my weekly round-up for you. I hope you all have a restful weekend. You totes deserve it! Until next time, be good and hide yo’ cinammon.  

30 thoughts on “Friday Chronicles: It’s totes the weekend!

  1. As a Brit, I must apologise for my nation inflicting ‘Wand Erection’ on you. It may be a retaliation for the Bieber, but I couldn’t confirm that. Over here they reached the giddy heights of 3rd place in the X-Factor final 2010. Needless to say that, considering how well they are doing in Canada and the US, we really don’t need to have them back…

    • No need to apologise. I didn’t even realise we were being inflicted upon until two days ago. Plus you gave us David Beckham and Hugh Grant so it somehow evens out in the end. I should have known this crime was Simon Cowell’s doing.

      At the rate they’re going in Canada, you might actually get your wish.

  2. I grew up in the suburbs of Trenton. I had no idea they were out of toilet paper! I’m surprised anyone noticed. The Delaware River runs right along side it and that always smell bad. Or maybe it’s just Trenton. What an awful state capitol/capital (I can never remember when to use the “o” one).

    Is “One Direction” a Canadian band? I haven’t heard of them. But I guess I also haven’t heard about the TP problem in my birth area. They all have Jeremy Renner haircuts and the one on the far right has his nose. They look so terrible and I can’ believe teenage girls are still falling for that gimmick. But it’s true, Bieber is a one-man wrecking crew. He can take them all on single-handedly. Cage match?

    • The only reason I know anything about Trenton and its crappy capital status is because of the Stephanie Plum novels about a bounty hunter who lives in Trenton. I’m not surprised at all that no one knew about their toilet paper crisis. Maybe this happens often? That would explain the river odor.

      One Direction is definitely not Canadian. I cannot stress that enough. They’re from England. And I couldnt agree with you more. They’re terribly unattractive. And this is coming from someone who has the occasional cougarific tendencies.
      Beiber would crush them in a cage match. At least he has somewhat hit puberty (still debatable). All these guys have are polo shirts and bad haircuts.

  3. You crack me up Totes! Your Friday Cronicles make Friday…well..that much better! I haven’t been reading your blog for too long but I think you really found a niche here with your friday cronicles…LOVE it! Oh and check this out… (yes that is a can of Pabst, and don’t feel bad for not knowing what that is…I would say that is a good thing:)

    As per your hipster / hobo post..I am pretty sure that Montreal Hipsters are somehow a bit classier than American hipsters..but then again we do have a way of underclassing, well almost everything at times 🙂

    Have a great weekend!

    • lol thank you! I’m begining to feel that my niche is now very much similar to Perez Hilton’s niche. I’m not sure how good of a thing that is.

      You cracked me up with that picture of the hipster traps hahah. In Toronto, that hipster trap would have a bottle of wine instead of the Pabst, an iPod/Pad/phone, and a pair of red skinny pants.

      And don’t worry, we have our own set of unclassy grungy hipsters here. They all look like they have some sort of STD. Which is what inspired the hobo/hipster comparison in the first place.

      I hope you have an awesome weekend tooo! 😀

    • It definitely is one thing that never ceases to amaze me, the crap that people come up with. What I don’t understand is that you dont even get a high from this. At least with other things there’s some sort of kick. This one just causes you to throw up and die.

      I believe that was indeed the saying.

      I also heard “Never argue with a stupid person. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

  4. As a YouTube actor there have been many times where people request for me to take the cinnamon challenge for Lul’z, but I know for a fact that it’s more dangerous than funny and completely not worth it just to say I did.
    I’d rather say I didn’t to keep my money in the bank.
    Great post.

  5. Oh dear! Like Jonny above, I feel responsible for 3 of your stories. There is an Irish member of One Direction, St Patrick is our patron saint and the cinnamon challenge was crazy over here 2 years ago. I fear the madness has spread across the ocean!!!!

    • Hahaha no need to feel any guilt or responsibilty. To be fair, we unleashed the wrath of Celine Dion and Justin Beiber on the poor unsuspecting world.

      For Ireland’s part, you guys gave me Westlife and hot Irish accents and for that I’ll always be grateful lol. As for St. Patrick, its not his fault people use him to get into bar fights. Poor guy.
      I had no idea about the cinnamon challenge though. Maybe you could take responsiblity for that one. 😛

    • lol thank you! People do not need the excuse of St. P to puke on the TTC. On any given Saturday, there are several pukers on the TTC. I don’t know if you were still here when this happened but the TTC subway stops service at 12:30am everyday past Eglinton St. This means on weekends, all the drunkards have to get off and get on the night bus.

      The night bus deserves a whole blog post in and of itself. It’s like St. Patty’s day everyday.

  6. I miss the days where boy bands were actually attractive. (I was, like, 8 when BSB/N*Sync were in the height of popularity.) One Direction is at best bland in their music and their looks.

    Then again, the cinnamon challenge emphasizes just how dumb teenagers can be when faced with something “popular.” I had known the teaspoon of cinnamon thing as a prank you played at middle school sleepovers, didn’t realize it had become a “challenge” now.

    • omg tell me about it! Justin Timberlake was cute inspite of those plastic jackets that were wildly popular in the 90’s. And what about the British boybands like 5ive and Take That! And Westlife *swoon* So good looking inspite of all the cheesiness of the 90’s. And they were relatively talented too.

      This generation saddens me. And I say that much like how my mother said it about my generation lol.
      No arguments there about dumb teenagers though.

  7. It’s St PADDY, not PATTY!!!
    Paddy is short for Patrick, a patty is a burger.
    He’s the patron Saint of Ireland, a quick read of his wikipedia page would have given you some facts other than “patron saint for parades and beer”.

    • You will have to excuse the PADDY/PATTY confusion. You’re right. Patty is a burger. I assumed it was also short for Patrick. Then again, Paddy which is short for Patrick is also wet rice. But in NO way does that justify my obvious ignorance. I did have a quick read of his Wikipedia page. I also had a quick read on him on two Catholic websites. Most sources indicate that he led a pretty private life and he was basically responsible for converting Ireland. Hence he’s their patron saint.
      All I was trying to do with what I wrote was to point out how these days, the people who have no idea who he is, just seem to use him as an excuse to be drunk and cause mischief. In no way did I mean disrespect to St. Patrick or to Ireland, which I’m guessing is the way it came off to you. Sorry about that.

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