Save a Volvo, Ride a Vampire

Disclaimer: This post is a loose review of the Twilight movies. Leave now if you have something anything to do.

Last Christmas, I visited my parents who live in Kuwait. Kuwait as a country is quite modernised. My parents though, still engage in the ancient behavior of self-mortification known as dial-up internet. I used to time my showers, lunches or dinners in such a way that by the time I was done with these tasks, my Hotmail page would have loaded at least halfway.

Hence, out of an act of sheer boredom and desperation for a connection with the consumerist Western Hemisphere, I watched all the Twilight movies. I understand I just wasted two paragraphs trying to justify this. But hear me out, I was REALLY desperate and bored. Don’t look at me like that.

Of course, after having watched the first three installments, I had to watch the latest Hollywood spew in the series: Breaking Dawn. For those of you who would have rather rolled naked in broken glass then have watched these movies but are still kind of curious as to what all the hype was about, here’s a brief recap of the previous three movies:

Chronically depressed teenager Bella Swan moves in with her oblivious cop father Charlie. Rumor has it that Bella was born without a personality. Soon the poor girl gets thrown into the hell we all know as high school. And it is at the cafeteria that Bella spots her one reason to not slit her wrists: Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen is the hearthrob of high school, which means he’s out of everyone’s league. The girls think he’s hotter than an Icelandic volcano and the guys think he’s cooler than ice cold. Edward knows this because he can hear their thoughts. Everyone loves him. He hates everyone.

Also, Edward is a 100-year-old celibate vampire who sparkles in the sunlight. (thought I’d slip that in there for shock value in case you had fallen asleep on your keyboard)                                                                                                         

Tyra knows what I'm talking about

Bella and Edward meet in Biology class. Edward drives Bella crazy because he stares at her like she’s a 3 course meal and Bella drives Edward crazy because he’s bummed that the love of his life who he’s been waiting for a hundred years had to be this expressionless doorknob instead of a Heidi Klum look-alike.

Against all odds, Ed and Bella fall in love. Even I have to admit that they are perfect for each other. Bella was the only one effed in the head enough to date someone who is as old as her  great, great, great-grandfather. Edward for his part, is the only one who can tolerate this broad’s incoherent mumbles.

Well, we think he’s the only one…. until Jacob the werewolf enters the picture. Jacob (better known as Jailbait to older female audiences) is perfect. He’s beautiful, lean and age-appropriate. He can be a bit of an animal sometimes but at least he tans instead of sparkles. His only flaw is that for some ungodly reason, he is also in love with Bella. Against all of his valiant efforts to convince Bella to choose him over the sparkly dead guy, Jacob is forever stuck in the friend zone.

Fast forward a lot of unnecessary horsecrap, Bella chooses Sparkles over Jailbait and agrees to marry him. Which finally brings us to the present day: Breaking Dawn. Or as I like to call it Breaking Bed.

_________________________________________________________________

I watched a bootleg copy of this movie which some brave soul recorded at the theatre. Thankfully not much thinking power was required to the watch this movie because I would have totally missed what was going with all the distractions of black silhouettes leaving the theatre.

In a nutshell, Bella finally marries Sparkles. The emo couple head to Brazil for their honeymoon and against the wishes of Jailbait and even Sparkles himself, vampire and human consummate their marriage. We don’t see what actually happens but it must have been a wild night since Sparkles celebrated the end of his dry spell by breaking the bed and biting on a few pillows. Bella on her part wakes up with bruises that look like someone beat her senseless the night before.

Any normal girl would be like “Sweet Mother of all that is holy!…Get away from me you blood-sucking wife beater!”. But Bella is not a normal girl. Her reaction: “Weeeeee…let’s do it again”

Fast forward to more unecessary nonsense, Bella gets pregnant. Sparkles almost has a breakdown. Meanwhile, Jailbait’s wolf pack plans to kill Bella and her spawn to protect the free world.

Bella looks thrilled at the bundle of vampire joy growing inside of her. Either that or she’s trying to pass gas because from the very beginning Bebe Sparkles proved to be quite a troublemaker. Bebe sucked the life out of Bella (not that there was much to begin with anyway) and grew at such an alarming rate that Bella’s bones begin to break.

Carlyle, doctor/vampire head honcho strongly advises Bella to abort but the girl insists on keeping it. Finally, Bebe Sparkles snaps her mother’s spine right before she goes into labor.

Bella gives birth to a large baby girl named Renesmee. Jailbait and the rest of us watching this drama all agree that this is a shiteous name. “Why couldn’t this dysfunctional family just give the rugrat a normal name like Apple or Puddle or Bear?” his face seems to say.

Meanwhile, Bella dies from spinal cord injury, loss of blood and stupidity. Jailbait tries to save her life by administering CPR and shockingly fails. Sparkles tries his hand by pumping her chest and shooting his venom everywhere on her body possible.

The  twist however, is when Jailbait goes up to Bebe Sparkles with the intention of killing her. The moment he sees her, he imprints on her. This is an involuntary action where Jailbait sees this brat as his soulmate. Gross, considering he made out with her mother. Twice. This kid will forever be a pez dispenser of psychological issues.

I think Bella comes alive as a vampire in the end.

The End.

And so there you have it. Now you are up to date with the hype. I won’t talk anymore because I feel I’ve already said enough. You know I’m running out of blog posts when…

Have a good weekend, folks!

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14 thoughts on “Save a Volvo, Ride a Vampire

  1. I almost died laughing at this. I’m actually teaching a course on vampire adaptation this semester that includes Twilight, if only because it participates (in an academically interesting if not entertaining way) in the literary and filmic vampire tradition. My students feel about the same as you do on this topic.

    P.s: I was going to give you the Liebster Blogging award, but the same person who gave it to me gave it to you, so, rock on…or something. 🙂

  2. This made me laugh so hard. Like a crazy person as I read it on my phone and walked across the street. I was suckeed into watching the second and I wondered the same when he started to sparkle.

    I look forward to hopefully reading more reviews like this one!

  3. I loved reading your post. I have never had any interest in reading the books or watching the movies but thanks to you I can now understand what the hype is about without having had to waste anytime with it. I totally understand you having to do it out of desperation and boredom – and you did me a favor with the quick recap.

  4. As a reviewer of the Twilight books and movies (I lost a bet, don’t look at me like that.) I can say that this is one of the best Twilight summaries I’ve ever read.

  5. I told myself I would never watch these dumb movies, and you have helped me to stick to my decision. Your summary is all that I needed in order to know that, once again, the public has been hypnotized with more commercial merchandising and peddling of cheap entertainment. This post is one of my favs!

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