My dear Canada,
This is my honest and sincere bid to make my case and convince you of why I belong in this wonderful country forever:
1) I speak English and appreciate correct grammar. That’s right. I’ll be the first one to tell my friends that
their… they’re lucky to be Canadian. I’m not a big fan of people who take they’re …their citizenship for granted. And I’ll take all the English tests to prove it.
2) I am very polite. I understand that this is a Canadian stereotype, but it’s the most positive stereotype to have. In fact, just the other day, without even thinking I apologised to my toilet when I accidentally dropped my earring into it. And then I apologised to my earring.
3) I hate the weather here. But what you need to take from this point is that I’m honest, that the shitty weather is not your fault and that without frostbite weather, no one would have been compelled to invent fluffy socks and that
brain cell-murdering holiday song “Baby, its… it’s cold outside”.
4) I listen to and support Canadian musicians and artists that no one has ever heard of. And not just because they are far more attractive than their American counterparts.
5) I know the words to the Canadian National Anthem better than I know my own country’s. And just like a true
Canadian Torontonian, I mumble along through the French parts.
6) I support the use of “Zed” and think that “zee” is just alphabetical propaganda. And much like how thousands of Canadians signed a petition to give Ryan Gosling his rightful title of “World’s Sexiest Man”, this wannabe Canadian will start a petition to change Jay-Z to Jay-Zed.
7) I proudly sewed the Canadian flag to my backpack. Then I remembered I’m not actually Canadian and politely apologised to my backpack.
8 ) My initials are the same as that of the ultimate Canadian delicacy: Kraft Dinner. You may think this is a silly reason but my Canadian friends will beg to differ. Especially the ones still in University.
9) I once tried to pay for a double-double at Timmies with Canadian Tire money. If you are Canadian, you will understand that it doesn’t get anymore patriotic than this. If you are not Canadian, that gibberish I just spewed out means I once tried to pay for a coffee with the second most respected currency in Canada.
10) I pronounce the word “Saskatchewan” correctly. I also pronounce the word “Regina” correctly. For my non-Canadian readers, Saskatchewan is not a brand of maple syrup; it’s a province in Canada. And Regina is not the name of Celine Dion’s pet moose; it’s a city in Saskatchewan that’s pronounced like “vagina”.
At the end of the day, I can think of a million more reasons to make the case for why I belong in Canada. But in reality, there is only one reason that really matters. I love living here. And I’m not just saying that to get what I want. I love this country no matter what the outcome of my immigration case will be.
While Canada undoubtedly has its flaws (high taxes, cold weather, longest grocery store lineups in the world, overdone political correctness…), it still remains the one country that taught me independence and a sense of appreciation and gratitude for the little things. Most importantly, it harbors some of the most decent and loving people on the planet. People that I have the honor to call friends.
Aside from this sentimental bullshit, I have also fiercely defended the nutritional value of poutine, beaver tails and funnel cake with my parents and non-Canadian friends. And I have done this as a health care provider. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.
The future recipient of the “Best Canadian Citizen” award.