A couple of days ago I was at the Orthopedic surgeon’s office for a follow-up appointment of my broken foot. The lady at the reception asked me to go straight in for an X-ray. I hobbled over to the x-ray waiting room and ten minutes later, my name was called.
I turned around and came face to face with a beautiful man who we will call Ross the Radiologist. Ross the Radiologist was about 5′ 10″ with brown hair, blue eyes and a smile that revealed perfectly straight white teeth.
And when he set up my foot for the x-ray, his wedding band flashed into my face.
Normally, wedding bands for me are the biggest turnoff and any mission to attempt conversation is aborted. But my silence this time had nothing to do with Ross the Radiologist’s marital status and everything to do with the monstrous badger that lived on his upper lip.
For the rest of the walk back to the waiting room, I puzzled over why Ross the Radiologist purposely marred his otherwise perfect face with that demonic moustache. And after much thought, it hit me. Tis the month of Movember.
Before I shoot off about the godawful ugliness of these ‘staches, I want to say something about this campaign. The growth of Movember staches may be a crime but they are a crime only second to prostate cancer. Last year’s Movember campaign raised an impressive $23.3 million (CDN), all of which (I hope) went to Prostate Cancer Canada. Globally, the Movember campaign last year raised a staggering $76.88 million. These figures are no joke. Clearly, ugliness pays off. In this instance at least.
Now, back to the inevitable rant that you are going to have to hear regardless:
As much as I know that this is for a good cause, and that the guys are really sacrificing their face and their dignity, this is clearly quite painful for both guys and girls. For 11 months a year, its easier to separate the “regular” guys from the pedophiles, pornstars and peeping-toms. But then, there’s that one month known as Movember when ALL of them seem to look like they forgot to shave because they spent an entire week hiding up in trees that look straight into the bedrooms of little children.
What did us women folk do when we wanted to raise awareness for breast cancer? We told everyone the color of our bras. And then the following year, we told them where we like “it”. I don’t have the figures of how much money the sexualized breast cancer campaign didn’t raise, but from the looks of it I’m starting to believe that we clearly we went about it the wrong way.
Maybe we should have stopped shaving our legs and waxing our unibrows instead of giving people intimate details of our lingerie. The term for that, I believe, is feminism. But as we all know, feminism doesn’t pay much these days. At least not as much as sex and ugliness.
The other day I read a hilarious status update from an old friend Hanna Kassab on his latest moustache misery. Only then did I begin to realise how much grief Movember is causing:
” Forget it, this Movember thing isn’t working. People say “hey mane, what you’re doing is awesome, so proud, even though you look like a perve, lol!” STFU, you think I’m doing this for style? DONATE!”
Let’s face it. Movember is making people miserable. The guys repel anything feminine and the girls can’t stare at their radiologists without wondering whether he produces pornos in his basement. I have to wonder, are some sacrifices really necessary to make in order to yield the desired results?
Today is the middle of the month. Instead of subjecting ourselves to 15 mo’ days of this madness, could we not donate money to the shaving off of facial hair altogether instead? Could we not try to beat prostate cancer by looking our best instead of our worst? Could we maybe donate money to the guys for grooming themselves well instead? Or for adopting good manners?
As my friend Hanna would later say:
“I need to change tactics. IF PEOPLE DONATE ANOTHER $50, I PROMISE TO SHAVE.”
His frustrations only made people donate more money if he kept the stache. One more lash against prostate cancer, one less date for Hanna.
At the end of the month, after all the grumbling and complaining, it’s about how much money you were able to raise. Whether it was done by keeping that pedophile moustache on your face till the bitter end or whether it was done by promising to rid the world of its ugliness, that is totally irrelevant.
If the only way to raise money is by keeping a moustache on your face for a month, then so be it. The stache may be ugly, but cancer is uglier. But if there is any other way, any other legal, moral and ethical way at all to raise money for cancer without you looking like Nacho Libre’s cousin, then please, for the sake of everything holy…let’s go with that instead.
If you would like to donate to Hanna’s cause, please click on this link:
He’s taking donations for both: keeping the stache to the very end and donations to put him out of his misery.
And finally, to Ross the Radiologist, Hanna and all you other mo’stachers out there, I know all I did was complain and rant while you heroically put on your best ugly moustache for a very good and noble cause. You guys are troopers; I applaud you and sincerely admire you. I may not like that facial abomination but I’m guessing that you probably don’t either. Next Movember, if you decide to train for and run a 10K instead of harboring a small woodland creature on your face, I won’t admire you any less.