For the past few months, I’ve been wishing for a little mini vacay. Nothing crazy. Just some time off from work to catch my breath and some sleep. Its been a long year and I thought maybe I was due for some R&R.
Well, you know how the old saying goes…Be careful what you wish for because you just might break two bones in your foot and get it.
My story begins on a rainy fall Friday. I had packed a weekend bag and was ready to go to the middle of nowhere on a Catholic retreat. Jesus is relatively easier to find when you are two hours away from malls, assholes and youtube videos.
For those of my readers unfamiliar with how these retreats work, basically the first night is spent moving in your luggage into your room,
shamelessly discreetly scopping out the lineups to see if anyone new and cute also decided leave behind civilization to find Jesus and just general tomfoolery.
This retreat, tomfoolery came in the form of a two hour period of “icebreakers”. Icebreakers, to me, typically should consist of AA/ support group type introductions…. “hello, my name is Karen. I enjoy fudge brownies and punching slow walkers…” that sort of thing. But NO. Icebreakers were a string of never-ending trials that just wouldn’t end. And maybe it would have been one thing if my team (Team Burn the Rug…don’t ask) was winning but the fact that we were in third place, in a race of three teams, was pissing me off. All I wanted was to kick the asses of the other two teams and then go straight to bed.
The chance to do precisely this presented itself in the grande finale game. The Bunny Hop Caterpiller Crawl. Allow me to enlighten you on just what this foolish lawsuitphilic game entailed:
- Each team had to pick one person to participate.
- Each participant had to be wrapped in a blanket and bunny hop halfway through the room.
- At the halfway point, each participant had to abandon the bunny and scramble to the floor to caterpillar crawl the rest of the race to the finish line.
- How many ways can you spell liability?
I know all of you have a wonderful imgination but I have attached pictures to show you just how ridiculous this was.
Now that I sufficiently looked like a small undiscovered planet, the real game began. After much ado about rules, none of which involved the event of an inevitable accident/lawsuit, we took our places. Clearly, by this point my thoughts changed from vanity to apprehension.
The race started and we were off hopping our merry way. Apparently, I had
cheated modified my course a tad and thus had the lead in this race. I was going to beat those other two suckers! I was just hops away from the mid point when something happened. My excitment and competitiveness got the better of me and I took a leap. It was one small leap for a bunny and one giant crack for two metatarsals. I felt pain but still wanted to win the race. Besides, I reached the mid point. I didn’t need my feet to do the caterpillar crawl. But one slight movement told me the only thing I was going to win that night was a 6 week unpaid vacation and a bottle of Tylenols 3’s and Percocets.
After much fuss and tears, I was taken to the ER. The triage nurse asked me what happened. Me and the three friends who accompanied me burst into giggles. Because the truth was that there was no way to frame this story in a way that would sound respectable.
In what parellel universe would a sensible, critically thinking person like a triage nurse, after hearing a story like that, not come to believe that the best way for people to get to know each other at a catholic retreat is to play a game of jackassery taken straight from the play book of The Drunken Frat Boy?