…Many thanks to my dear friend Santi for inspiring this blog post…
About me: My name is Karen. I am a good-looking 25-year-old woman. I cook, clean, shower adequately and generally meet the acceptable standards of cleanliness in my living space. I have a pleasing personality, a wheatish complexion…whatever the hell that means, and just as your car insurance will decrease with your age, my dowry will only increase with mine.
Now, why am telling you this?
To make you aware of one thing: there seems absolutely NO reason why I should be single by circumstance.
This leads me to believe that I am single by choice. A choice that I actually never realised I was subconsciously making. I had, like any girl with big dreams, a check list of what I wanted my
future husband.. boyfriend.. the schumck I dated to be like. People called me picky for my 4 page list. I called it confident and self-assured.
At 22 when I was single, I looked at this list and tried to summarise these 4 pages. Basically what it came down to was that I wanted a Catholic Ryan Gosling. And what’s more at 22, the only thing that had changed in terms of this list was the depressing realisation of two things:
1) Catholic Ryan Goslings didn’t grow on trees.
2) There was only one Ryan Gosling. And he is (a lapsed) Mormon.
At (still single) 24, I tried to convince myself something had to give. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life waiting for a lapsed Mormon stud-muffin to knock on my door after he had had a mysterious faith conversion on the flight from Hollywood to Toronto. So, I changed my list to a bunch of cliché adjectives. My new boyfriend manifesto dictated that all that was sufficient was a decent, alright looking, funny guy. Sadly, there were holes in this theory too. Because at 25 I had come to realise two more things:
1) Most decent, alright-looking, funny guys are in a Catholic seminary finding God.
2) The rest of them, like me, are finding a boyfriend.
So at 25, for the sake of my mother’s novenas and the continuation of my lineage, I have decided to devise a new strategy. As “open” as I would like to be, I’d still like to maintain SOME sort of standard. So, this time, instead of a check list, I have decided to have a very simple screening process. This would be based on a point system wherein you have to get a certain number of points to qualify. It works well for Canadian Immigration (most of the time).
I would have put this in a table but the more time I waste making rows and columns, the more time it will be before this genius idea goes viral to single ladies worldwide.
The Screening Process
Requirements for Potential Prospects
1. A pulse: Regular breathing= 5 points, Comatose= 3 points, Dead= 0 points, Heavy breathing= Disqualified
2. A personality: Engaging= 5 points, Boring as a sack of wet bricks= 2 points, Doorknob= 0 points, Weird= -3 points, Douche= Disqualified
3. Hygiene: Clean= 5 points, Unclean= 0 points, Funky odors= Disqualified.
4. Toilet trained: Independent of personal potty tasks= 5 points, Significant knowledge on how to flush a toilet= 5 points, Avid player of pee games such as `Ready, Aim, Fire`and Àll pee, no see’= 0 points.
5. Sense of humor: Eddie Izzard (executive transvesite standup comedian)= 5 points, Joel McHale (from Community)= 4 points, Steve Carell (from The Office)= 3 points, Mr. Bean (from your childhood)= 1 point, Charlie Sheen (from rehab)= 0 points, Jim Carrey (excommunicated from the leprechaun community)= Disqualified
6. Religion: Practicing Catholic= 5 points, Catholic= 4 points, Jewish= 1 point, Born Again= 0 points, Vampire= Disqualified.
7. Dress Code: Nice Clothes= 5 points, Clean clothes= 5 points, Hobo Chic= 3 points, Hawaiian Shirts= 1 point, Rapper Wannabe= 0 points, Falling pants= Disqualified.
8. Personal Habits: Cooking= 5 points, Cleaning up after oneself= 4 points, Adequate knowledge of using a phone to order a pizza or to call 911= 3 points, Drinking straight out of a milk carton= 2 points, Avid believer in leaving the toilet seat up= 0 points
9. Crisis Management: Able to handle a crisis= 5 points, Unable to handle a crisis= 0 points, This girl is crazy= disqualified.
10. Beards: Joseph Gordon-Levitt (sexy stubble)= 5 points, Jake Gyllenhaal (groomed beard)= 4 points, Brad Pitt (unkempt hobo beard)= 3 points, Jesus (biblical beard)= 2 points, Santa Claus (unacceptable)= 0 points
11. Attraction: I’m attracted to you= 5 points, I’m not attracted to you= 0 points, You are Ryan Gosling= Directly pass GO, collect your million points and win the game.
Fine Print: Need a minimum of a million points to qualify. A long interview process consisting of awkward dates ensues if you pass the screening.
As you can see, I have tried to make every effort to be “open”. This revised list is non-negotiable this time. Unless I find a man who has enough intelligence to make a case to dispute the above conditions. And for the record, I am open. But like a wise priest named Fr. Daren once said, “Sometimes you gotta meet a few duds before you meet a dude.”