The New and Improved Boyfriend Screening Process

…Many thanks to my dear friend Santi for inspiring this blog post…

__________________________

About me: My name is Karen. I am a good-looking 25-year-old woman. I cook, clean, shower adequately and generally meet the acceptable standards of cleanliness in my living space. I have a pleasing personality, a wheatish complexion…whatever the hell that means, and just as your car insurance will decrease with your age, my dowry will only increase with mine.

Now, why am  telling you this?

To make you aware of one thing:  there seems absolutely NO reason why I should be single by circumstance.

This leads me to believe that I am single by choice. A choice that I actually never realised I was subconsciously making. I had, like any girl with big dreams, a check list of what I wanted my future husband.. boyfriend.. the schumck I dated to be like. People called me picky for my 4 page list. I called it confident and self-assured.

At 22 when I was single, I looked at this list and tried to summarise these 4 pages. Basically what it came down to was that I wanted a Catholic Ryan Gosling. And what’s more at 22, the only thing that had changed in terms of this list was the depressing realisation of two things:

1) Catholic Ryan Goslings didn’t grow on trees.

2) There was only one Ryan Gosling. And he is (a lapsed) Mormon.

At (still single) 24, I tried to convince myself something had to give. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life waiting for a lapsed Mormon stud-muffin to knock on my door after he had had a mysterious faith conversion on the flight from Hollywood to Toronto. So, I changed my list to a bunch of cliché adjectives. My new boyfriend manifesto dictated that all that was sufficient was a decent, alright looking, funny guy. Sadly, there were holes in this theory too. Because at 25 I had come to realise two more things:

1) Most decent, alright-looking, funny guys are in a Catholic seminary finding God.

2) The rest of them, like me, are finding a boyfriend.

So at 25, for the sake of my mother’s novenas and the continuation of my lineage, I have decided to devise a new strategy. As “open” as I would like to be, I’d still like to maintain SOME sort of standard.  So, this time, instead of a check list, I have decided to have a very simple screening process. This would be based on a point system wherein you have to get a certain number of points to  qualify. It works well for Canadian Immigration (most of the time).

I would have put this in a table but the more time I waste making rows and columns, the more time it will be before this genius idea goes viral to single ladies worldwide.

The Screening Process

Requirements for Potential Prospects

1. A pulse:  Regular breathing= 5 points, Comatose= 3 points, Dead= 0 points, Heavy breathing= Disqualified

2. A personality:  Engaging= 5 points, Boring as a sack of wet bricks= 2 points, Doorknob= 0 points, Weird= -3 points, Douche= Disqualified

3. Hygiene:  Clean= 5 points,  Unclean= 0 points, Funky odors= Disqualified.

4. Toilet trained: Independent of personal potty tasks= 5 points, Significant knowledge on how to flush a toilet= 5 points, Avid player of pee games such as `Ready, Aim, Fire`and Àll pee, no see’= 0 points.

5.  Sense of humor: Eddie Izzard (executive transvesite standup comedian)= 5 points, Joel McHale (from Community)= 4 points, Steve Carell (from The Office)= 3 points, Mr. Bean (from your childhood)= 1 point, Charlie Sheen (from rehab)= 0 points, Jim Carrey (excommunicated from the leprechaun community)= Disqualified

6. Religion: Practicing Catholic= 5 points, Catholic= 4 points, Jewish= 1 point, Born Again= 0 points, Vampire= Disqualified.

7. Dress Code: Nice Clothes= 5 points, Clean clothes= 5 points, Hobo Chic= 3 points, Hawaiian Shirts= 1 point, Rapper Wannabe= 0 points, Falling pants= Disqualified.

8.  Personal Habits: Cooking= 5 points, Cleaning up after oneself= 4 points, Adequate knowledge of using a phone to order a pizza or to call 911= 3 points, Drinking straight out of a milk carton= 2 points, Avid believer in leaving the toilet seat up= 0 points

9. Crisis Management: Able to handle a crisis= 5 points, Unable to handle a crisis= 0 points, This girl is crazy= disqualified.

10. Beards: Joseph Gordon-Levitt (sexy stubble)= 5 points, Jake Gyllenhaal (groomed beard)= 4 points, Brad Pitt (unkempt hobo beard)= 3 points, Jesus (biblical beard)= 2 points, Santa Claus (unacceptable)= 0 points

11. Attraction: I’m attracted to you= 5 points, I’m not attracted to you= 0 points, You are Ryan Gosling= Directly pass GO, collect your million points and win the game.

Fine Print: Need a minimum of a million points to qualify. A long interview process consisting of awkward dates ensues if you pass the screening.

As you can see, I have tried to make every effort to be “open”. This revised list is non-negotiable this time. Unless I find a man who has enough intelligence to make a case to dispute the above conditions. And for the record, I am open. But like a wise priest named Fr. Daren once said, “Sometimes you gotta meet a few duds before you meet a dude.”

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60 thoughts on “The New and Improved Boyfriend Screening Process

  1. I reckon you’re spot on with the whole ‘it’s a subconscious thing’, just the same as perhaps other people who are constantly in and out of relationships. The type that just want to find that special someone so they see what they want to see, then get really disappointed when they start to realize the hideous mistake they’ve made.

    I’m no exception to this. I recently realized I get into all sorts of relationships as a means to feed my denial about all the things I don’t want to accept about myself… I thought this was pretty interesting 😀

    I thought you were older :p oh, BTW I scored over 3 trillion points on your test… the results might be a bit biased (as I did score myself, myself :). This would be good news for you, I’m sure, if only I weren’t on the other side of the planet 😉

    • I think it is subconscious. People get into the kind of relationships they want to be in…if that makes sense. 3 trillion is a lot of points. What side of the planet are you from? I forgot to mention the test goes into negative points with every 10 miles away. Thanks for readings! 😀

    • hahah my goal is to publish this to the world and change the lives of single ladies everywhere! Thank you so much for your feedback!

    • Boys arent that bad but I guess girls have their perks too…like they (usually) don’t have facial hair or leave the toilet seat up.

  2. Ah I was going to say something about leaving the seat up when I read “toliet trained” but you covered it in “personal habits.” I think it should be grounds for disqualification! Awesome post!

    • I know! I totally agree…but I did say I was going to be open. There are some decent guys with not so decent memory. In any case, “Forgetful Freddy” gets zero points. Glad you enjoyed it lol!

  3. Oh my gosh, I LOVE this! You are awesome! One of the best I’m 25, and at about 22 I realized that my checklist was so “unrealistic” that I’d actually rather stay single forever and live my own life.

    • no, YOU are awesome!!…I’m glad you loved it lol. I’d rather not stay single forever, but hey.. I’d also rather have standards than not!

  4. My grandfather, who was admittedly no social wizard in many other ways, provided me with the insight that inspired my single rule in love-hunting: has to be waaay too good for me but think I’m waaaay too good for him. It took me until I was 35 to find the guy that fit the bill, but it was absolutely worth the wait!

    Love your list! Brought back lots of memories. 🙂

    • Your grandfather was a genius if I may say so myself. That is quite possibly one of the smartest things I’ve heard. Thank you for sharing….35 seems such a long way but I’m taking your word for it. Until then, I’ll have my list…and Ryan Gosling movies lol.

      Thank you for reading my blog. I’m glad you enjoyed it! 🙂

  5. Can one theoretically score multiple times under one category…? 🙂

    Great post… as usual. I think if you ask any older, happily married couple you’ll find that many times who they thought they were looking for/wanted ended up being someone they never would have guessed.

    Blessings! -|–

    • No, one cannot score mulitiple times in one category. One must choose the option that closest describes you. I should have mentioned this in the fine print. And you are right about married couples…most of the time. Everyone has their own story. Thank you for reading and enjoying this post….as usual 😉

  6. Karen you did a great job! I was laughing all the way specially when I was on the screening process part!

    “1. A pulse: Regular breathing= 5 points, Comatose= 3 points, Dead= 0 points, Heavy breathing= Disqualified” – this is the most important! because without number 1, the rest will not follow! Kudos to you! ♥

    • awww thank you Joycelyn. No one ever realises the importance of a pulse lol. I`m glad I was able to make you laugh, and THANK YOU so very much for reblogging this! xoxo

    • awww thank you!!! And trust me, I`m REALLY glad Tinkerbelle linked me through her blog too!! She`s awesome! :D. I hope my future posts have the same effect as this one 😉

    • I think Tinkerbelle single-handedly catapulted me to having like a thousand new followers and I can’t thank her enough. I’m really happy you enjoyed this post and I hope you revisit! 🙂

  7. I love Tinker Bell’s reposts – found yours on her site. I am turning 30 in a week. (GASP!!) and used to have a list, too. After a few failed relationships…I realized it’s not so much a list I needed to be looking at…but myself. What was important to me? What were the “deal breakers” and what kind of relationship did I really want? I, honestly, just wanted to be able to have fun, have great sex and have a great friend. After years of trying to figure out that simple anomaly…I found a guy that fits all three AND is a great partner. A real, honest, 50/50, loves me partner. And I love that. It’s so easy now.. :o) I get to be me, he gets to be him and we don’t want to change that. Stick to your guns, sister. He’s out there.

    • Sticking to my guns is the plan from now on. The only other option is to settle…which really isn’t an option. Thank you for reading and your pearls of wisdom. Its all true! I think what it comes down to is the wait.

    • hahaha ..its a socially sound move on your part trust me. The only person who can pull off a Santa Claus beard is Santa Claus. I’m glad you enjoyed it! 🙂

    • Its soo nice to meet two fellow Torontonians dealing with the same dating conundrums lol. I love how you say exactly what goes on through our minds…hilarious and very relatable blog. I`ll be following it and I hope you will revisit sooon! xoxo

      Karen

      • It’s always nice to meet another Torontonian! Apparently we are in the same boat! Love the similar humorous approach to many un-humorous situations.

        At least we can all laugh at these situations together!

  8. So, as a follow up, one could theoretically score a perfect 65. If that’s the case what are your thoughts on perfection? Is the imperfection of the one God has chosen…… lead us to in the end settling? And what about being Catholic… is just being so really enough?

    • The fine print states that the perfect score is one million, not 65. This is because this post was meant to inspire couple of laughs, not a mark up of an actual screening process. I actually didn`t even tally up the score to see what it added up to in the end. As for perfection, I would like someone perfect for me, not someone actually perfect. And if someone is perfect for me, then there`s no question about settling. I`m sure he will come with his own imperfections as I would with mine.

      And as I said before, this post was for a more humorous purpose than for the purpose of a serious discussion on Catholic dating. With that being said, I would love a practicing Catholic, but I`d take just a catholic over the vampire anyday.

  9. Pingback: Here Little Fishy…. « Tinkerbelle

  10. You have to love the allure of the impossible demands and the wants issue with real life people (living and breathing never is as good as the fantical and the pretend). Why is that?

    I have a very easy screening process for my future interest which usually try’s to uncover any potential boiling of small animals or the like. (had plenty of those, and im not exactly a vegitarian or anything but boiling small animals as a form of revenge never did make sense to me.
    Things go wrong, the relationship ends, so you [meaning the crazy bint] go straight into the kitchen and start brewing up some pet…..Seems abit sexual conformist to me to be honest.
    The true path to my heart lies in a great sense of humour, killer legs and eyes which i could lose my self in. 🙂
    Loved the post 🙂
    Wayne x

    • Boiling small animals would be an instant DQ. Or at least I would hope should be. Your simple screening process is indeed quite simple. I would also like a guy with killer sense of humor, eyes and legs no less. I’m glad you enjoyed this post. And I hope it inspires you to call PETA next time your love interest boils animals. I hate PETA but desperate times call for desperate measures.

      Thanks for reading! 😀

  11. I just started rummaging through your posts and came across this one. It’s speaks to me! I must have written dozens of articles like this for friends in the last 10 years. 🙂 Finally, at 27 I found the man I’d been looking for my entire adult life. He has big ears, drinks from the milk carton, never puts the toilet seat down and I love him all the same. I got side tracked, what I wanted to say is, hang in there!! I’m an awfully super wonderful woman myself, :D, who also thought I was destined to be a “social pariah”. I was pleasantly surprised when that didn’t actually happen. I also had to change my way of thinking. 🙂 And the term “social pariah” is directly from Bridget Jones, a must read for single 20 somethings.

  12. I like how being a Catholic lad earns you an equal weighting for if you have awesome facial hair. Have you considered tweaking your numbers, or is this all intentional?

    • LOL some of it is intentional for humor purposes. I’m totally flexible on the facial hair. As long as you don’t look like you house a badger and a couple of small birds in your beard, we’re good. The Catholic part is actually kind of important though. In past I found that it was just easier to date within the religion.

  13. This is great, I really like this blog. My friend and I were just discussing this today and I can safely say that my list of desired attributes is no more realistic than a catholic ryan gosling. Except for the ‘having a pulse’, ‘being nice to children and elderly people’ and ‘will strive to be as much like ryan gosling as possible, even if that requires extreme cosmetic surgery.’ No big deal.

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