Crazy things my patients say

Disclaimer: The names and ages in this post have been changed or modified.

Dorothy is one of the most upbeat and vibrant patients we have at the clinic. She is also one of the oldest. At her senior citizen age, she still makes the dirtiest jokes I’ve ever heard, goes to dance parties and enjoys Tom Yum soup at the local Thai place. She has a host of mildly serious to pretty freaking serious health issues. But that doesn’t stop the endlessly positive attitude…or the dirty jokes.

Some of Dorothy’s gems include: “You know I used to be 36D…now I’m a 36 long.”

Or, “Karen, I got you a Christmas present, dear. It was a delicious man but I decided to keep him for myself and got you some scented candles instead. You’re on your own, kid.”

Today, she stopped me in my tracks with her latest one liner. I was going through some stretches with her on the bed while she was talking to me about something. At one point, she started to laugh and I saw something in her mouth.

Me: “Why, Dorothy! Is that your name written inside your mouth?” (Yeh, this old woman had her name written on side of her left gums.)

Dorothy: “Yes, dear. You see my dad lost his teeth at the nursing home and we could never find that darn thing. So I thought I’d have them write my name in mine when I got them done.”

Me: “That’s great idea. Especially if you are at the hospital or something and you misplace them.”

Dorothy: “That’s what I told my orthodontist.”

And then without warning…

“But between you and me, darlin’, the real reason I want my name in them is that if I’m lying in the missionary postion, I would want the old geezer to know my name, just in case he forgot in the middle of it.”

Never a dull moment.

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