Karen’s Tear-free Guide to Unclogging a Toilet

Disclaimer: This post is not meant for the faint hearted. Also, do not read it if you are easily offended by poo…and its disposal.

Everyone has been through it. It’s a Saturday morning and the water pressure is about as strong as a gentle breeze on a summer day. Or you just went in a toilet that was out-of-order. For those of us less fortunate, you may have experienced it at a party where by some cruel punishment of your past and future sins, the bowl starts to fill at an alarming rate with no settling down in sight. Yes friends…shit does indeed happen.

If it is paper towels that clogged your toilet then you’re one of the lucky ones. Those cloggings are relatively easier to handle, less stinky and less overall embarrassment. If its poo, then be prepared to write off three hours of your life trying to deal. But never fear, I’m here to dispel any embarrassment of this unsettling problem and give you some tips to help you get to the bottom of the bowl victorious.

1) First of all..don’t panic! It’s a clogged toilet, not a terrorist attack.

2) Go back to the basics. Sometimes the reason for the clog is not enough water pressure, or not enough water. There’s a simple and neat trick to solve this problem that people with crappy indoor plumbing have been using since the beginning of time. Fill a bucket with water, elevate the bucket past the level of your shoulders and pour in the water. Repeat several times. Hopefully, that was enough force to dislodge whatever was clogging the commode. If not, keep calm and carry on to point #3

3) DO NOT google how to unclog toilets. Trust me on this one, folks. Each toilet is different. Each clogging is different. Don’t be a fool like me and pour in boiling water and liquid dish detergent. It will just make you task that much more smelly, you WILL start crying and your  peace of mind will also be down in the toilet along with your paper towels/poo. 

4) The plunger is your best friend. Buying a decent toilet plunger is one of the best investments you could make. Plunge away and flush. Repeat this ritual a few times. The plunger usually resolves the problem and in most cases after a few bouts of plunging and flushing, you are most likely to shout “SUCCESS, BITCHES!” , as most toilet paper and even poo (if you had shitty luck) gives up being difficult and disappears from your toilet and your life. You can breathe a sigh of relief, order a pizza and write a blog post about it. True story. But in the event that this does not happen, move on to point #5

5) The twisted hanger. Its time to really take charge of the situation. Continue to stay calm and collected and remember…you are not going to let an ass-wipe get in the way of your happiness.  Rummage your closet for a thin steel hanger. Untwist it into some sort of tool that you can insert into the toilet bowl. With this tool, you are going to try clear the passage of crap. This requires patience, focus and a calm mind. Sometimes all it needs is a little push.

6) Assuming none of the above worked, take a  break to do something fun. Remove the rubber gloves, wash your hands, go on Facebook, talk to a friend, watch a movie, go shopping, whatever. But leave the bathroom. Whether it is poo or paper that’s stuck in there, the fact that both are biodegradable and sitting in water means that time will help it disintegrate, thus making it easier to go down in your next mammoth effort of a combination of a plunge-flush-bucket-of-water-plunge flush.

By now, all the time that has gone by, all the plunging, flushing, water throwing, crying, cursing, googling and praying would have yielded some results. The biggest problem you will have at that point will be the mess you made with all that plunging. But you’ll be too relieved and happy to care.  

Why have I decided to write about this? Well, if you have ever unclogged a toilet that took you 3 hours and you accomplished the task without having to call anybody, there’s a certain level of pride that goes with it that transcends the disgusting nature of the problem and the normal reluctance to share the experience with others. 

That being said, if you are still reading this frustrated, angry and scared that your toilet is still stuck and all of what I mentioned above did jack squat, then I’m sorry to tell you that you are quite literally shit out of luck.  

This time Google will be a little more helpful with finding a plumber.

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5 thoughts on “Karen’s Tear-free Guide to Unclogging a Toilet

  1. Pingback: Murphy’s Laws for the 20-something single girl « The Skinny Jeans and Starbucks Chronicles

  2. Hilarious! I’m going to keep this one in mind, just in case I happen to be in dire need of advice (though I hope that doesn’t happen)! 😀

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