Here are some tips on coming out of this giant costume party healthy, happy and concussion free:
Good Idea: Going to the hotel room that your friend arranged specially for her guests to change into their Halloween costumes.
Bad Idea: Not looking up the exact directions of the hotel and getting lost in Markham. I hate Markham.
Side Note: Thank you Stephanie for showing me that I walked past the hotel and in the opposite direction for 45 minutes.
Good Idea: Dressing up as Justin Bieber for Halloween.
Bad Idea: Dressing up as Justin Bieber for Halloween.
Side Note: This costume is great idea if you want to stay warm in the line up outside the club. Terrible idea if you look like a 15-year-old tween sensation looking to get hit on by hot guys dressed as Chilean miners.
Good Idea: Wearing a Halloween costume.
Bad Idea: Barely wearing a Halloween costume.
Side Note: Officer Busted, Nurse Feel Good, Parisian Provocateur and Little Bo Peep, I hope your mothers don’t have Facebook.
Good Idea: Having a hilarious Polish cab driver giving four girls advice on how to manipulate men.
Bad Idea: Having a douchebag cab driver who uselessly drives around on purpose before he actually drives his customers home.
Side Note: Apparently, the best way for single Canadian women to meet guys is to gain 20lbs and move to Poland. There are always lessons to be learnt from bartenders and cab drivers.
Good Idea: Arriving early at the bar so one can beat the line-ups and avoid standing out in the cold.
Bad Idea: Arriving an hour before the bar has even opened and hence standing out in the cold anyway.
Side Note: Good thing it wasn’t cold.
Good Idea: Having a sporty costume such as Sporty Spice
Bad Idea: Having a sporty costume such as Hockey Girl, which only consists of a hockey jersey and nylons.
Side Note: Please wear pants, Hockey Girl. And that goes for you too, Soccer Girl…and Basketball Girl…and Soccer Girl.
Good Idea: Dressing up as Waldo.
Bad Idea: Dressing up as Waldo AND having all 15 of your friends also dress up as Waldo.
Side Note: Does anyone else see the irony here that Waldo is the one person that is impossible NOT to spot?
Good Idea: Guys dressing up in uniforms.
Bad Idea: Not enough guys dressing up in uniforms.
Side Note: What the world needs now are more pilots, Chilean miners and high-ranking army officers and less of Rob Fords, seventies porn stars and Dirty Old Bastards.
Good Idea: Dancing up a storm to a live band on Halloween weekend.
Bad Idea: Dancing up a storm to a live band on Halloween weekend with a guy in a mullet wig.
Side Note: Guys dressed as bananas, cows, mermaids and Katy Perry are also counted in the bad idea list.
Good Idea: Going to Fran’s for an early breakfast after a long night of dancing and laughing at banana costumes .
Bad Idea: Going to Fran’s for an early breakfast and then falling asleep sitting down in front of it when it arrives.
Side Note: Dear fool who fell asleep sitting down in front of his food while the rest of us waited for a free table and watched you in disbelief…. That might have been funny as hell but you’re a dumbass.
I wish all of you a happy, hilarious costume-filled, warm and safe Halloween! J