Bus beef

Everyone by now has read about me complain and whine about my crap ass bus commute to and from work. I don’t want to further abuse my self-proclaimed entitlement to bitch about public transit but that’s why I have this blog.  

Now before I go any further with this, I have to say I actually like public transit. I like the fact that the city of Toronto is so well-connected. I like the independence that comes with it and I like the fuel that it feeds to my blogging career. I love taking the subway. Yes, even when its crowded. Even if everyone else in Toronto thinks the subway is full looney toons. 

That being said, there are always those certain people who take public transit that are just useless blobs of profound mental retardation and idiocy. If you have ever taken public transit you will understand that these people are normal human beings who just forgot to take their common sense medication in the morning and got on board the  psycho train too early on in life.  If you never have had the privilege of experiencing these fine specimens first hand, today is your lucky day.

These are the 4 kinds of people who should be banned from using public transit…and the human race:

1) The crazy suitcase ladies: Picture this if you will. You are sitting peacefully in your seat listening to Michael Buble croon about how he just hasn’t met you yet. The bus is beyond crowded at this point when all of a sudden, the bus stops and two rather rotund women come squawking in with three mother-of-the-jungle gigantic suitcases. By some fart of a miracle they manage to get themselves and their large pieces of God-knows-what onto the already crammed bus. This is a feat that is accomplished by stepping on 5 pairs of feet, 2 senile seniors and a poodle. Is the general public gone brain-dead all of a sudden and become completely foreign to the concept of a taxi?  Or car pool? Or sense?

Verdict: Toronto! For the love of God, please stop taking the buses if you have enough luggage for Paris Hilton to go on a 6 month expedition to Alaska. Take a cab. Take your overweight friend with you in that cab, split the fare and spare the rest of us…and our toes, poodles and grandparents.

2) The stink bombs: Here’s something to sniffle about. If you have not showered in 2 years, please stay away from humanity and go bury yourself. An alternative to burying yourself would be to shower, which is surprisingly not a popular option for some reason. And I’m not complaining about those sweaty construction workers at the end of the day who smell like something died in their armpits. This is about that fat guy every morning who walks into the bus wearing same  “Save the Animals” t-shirt for the last 2 weeks with some unthinkable yellow, brown and beige stains all over. Here’s a thought Pepe Le Peww , it’s time to swallow your PETA pride and kill the skunk.

Verdict: You can get a stick of deodorant cheaper than a Starbucks coffee. Please skip the coffee breath for once and invest in some hygiene before you start harboring insect larvae.

3) Gigantic Stroller Women: These are just as bad as the suitcase girls. Call me insensitive but what the hell is the deal with these baby mammas and their universe-is-massive strollers. And I’m not talking about the women who come in with a little pram and cute baby. I’m talking about that one crazy lunatic who needs a crane to lift her stroller which is a little vehicle in and of itself. What’s even more appalling is the 5-year-old spoilt brat sitting in this vehicle. Not only does this woman have an elephant sized stroller with a baby elephant sitting in it, she has also done all her groceries for the next three weeks and has all her grocery bags hanging from every nook, corner and cranny in this multi-functional stroller. The best part of this whole nonsense is that she gets off the bus a block after she gets on. 

Verdict: Stubborn, spoilt 5 year olds should be spanked. Not strolled.

4) The loud and the ugly: This is the creme de la creme of all the useless non-contributing  nimrods of the world. I have nothing to say to these people except:

1) Please don’t make international calls in the bus at 7 in the morning, yelling at your mother because you think she can’t hear you. Technology has vastly improved since the circular dial phones. Your mother and the surrounding 5 postal codes can all hear you perfectly well.

2) Testing out EVERY SINGLE ringtone on your phone all the way home on an hour-long bus ride is annoying. So is your face.

3) Bitch fighting on a bus is an ugly as your baby daddy’s grill.

Verdict:  Please go to finishing school.

Lucky for me I can calm down from all of this crazy shiz by drinking Starbucks, bitching about it on my blog and listening to a swoon-worthy version of Adam Levine singing “If I ain’t got you”.

Who would have thought Maroon 5’s man-whore frontman would have a sensitive side. Now there’s someone I wouldn’t mind spending a two-hour long commute with. Even if he had two large trunks, a stroller for his ego and made international calls to his Jewish mother.

What about you? Do you to take the bus to work? Or other places? What really bothers you about your fellow commuters? How do you keep calm and carry on?