It’s been a while since my everyday fly ride, the ghettofabulous YRT 77 has entertained me (and the rest of the world) with life’s delightful epiphanies. Today was when one of those hit me in the eye…and in my seat. My thesis in question: Against all protest, Karen is finally a certified freak magnet.
Before all you ladies (and some gentlemen) roll your eyes at me with that “Welcome to the club, sweetie” look on your face, allow me to explain how I’m different from the rest of all y’all freak magnets out there.
You see, most pretty girls have an overattractive magnetic pole. This results in attracting the cream of society’s imbiciles and nimrods. I on the other hand, one-up that by having an over-repellent pole that repels the cutes and an over-attractive pole that attracts the brutes. God was generous with me when he was dishing out the poles.
My case in point: The Seat Dilemma of the 77
My daily 6:55am bus has a pretty air tight seating arrangement. I sit in the second last row on the right. Other useless characters in this story include 200lbs construction man and his 95lbs construction friend. Mr. 400lbs Jellyfish man is another worthy mention and of course about 25 four-foot tall Philipino ladies who dominate the front of the bus.
This story however, will revolve around 3 characters. Cutie McCute, Raj McRat and yours truly.
Cutie McCute: Cutie gets on the bus about 10 stops from me. I think he’s currently dating a medium-sized Timmy’s cup and a freebee Metro newspaper. Against my wishes, McCutes NEVER gets a seat next to me.
Raj McRat: McRat is the 3-time winner of the “World’s Most Annoying person in the World” award and he believes that since him and I both ride the 77, we are instant BFFs. This severly skewed notion has resulted in my new BFF following me around while I get coffee, questioning my method of payment for my coffee and cornering me into my seat. This year, he’s trying to take his accolades to the next level by aiming for the Guiness Book for the “most annoying person”. Also, his name isn’t Raj. I couldn’t care less what it is.
So here’s what happens:
I had long since given up on trying to negotiate with the universe so as to have McCutes sitting next to me instead of The Rat. I even tried to cut a deal where I would never sit with Cutiepie if that meant I would never sit with Ratty Rat. Nobody up there was listening.
Today, I decided I had enough of the Rat ruining probably the only good thing about my morning. So I sat down in my seat, plopped my huge clunker handbag on the seat next to me and vowed to be Super Bitch if that FOOL came sniffing around. Rat came by and stopped for 3 seconds by my seat waiting for me to take my bag off the seat. I pretended to be very interested in my bus pass. And then the most amazing thing happened. He walked away! It was just that easy! Why had I not tried this before?
I was basking in the relish of a ratless morning when I realised I have an empty seat next to me. The bus was deliciously close to Cutie’s stop and I had an empty seat. My brain made up a happy song in my head about empty seats and baby faced Tim Hortons coffee drinkers and rainbows and blue bells and no rats in sight. The bus stops and Cutie gets in. He spots the empty seat and makes his way towards the gold. I hold my breath.
Author’s Note: This is the exciting life I lead. Working girl in her early twenties having her day made by the mere thought at not having to deal with boneheads.
Still holding my breath. So close.
And then it happens. The universe poops on my parade.
That stupid nincompoop FOOL (Raj) comes out of nowhere, almost bumps into cutiepie, PICKS UP MY BAG from the seat, flings it on my lap, and sits himself down in the seat that had Cutie’s name all over it.
“Hi! How you are doing today??”, he grins. Yes, how you are doing. Not, how are you doing.
I am in shock and disbelief as I helplessly watch cutiepie do a 180 and stand in the middle of the bus waiting for a seat.
The only response I give Rat is a scowl. Why is it that I can never catch a break!?
Moral of the Story:
Karen is a freak magnet of colossal proportions and the universe is just a big fat cockblocker. Universe= 1, Karen= -5.