Disclaimer: I want to let you know that this post is going to sound very weird to you. In fact, its not weird. Its downright crazy and pretentious but try and have an open mind. And if you can’t then, I’ll understand.
Toronto woke up this morning to the coming of the winter dragon. If you had the commute from hell this morning because of the terrible storm then I’m going to come clean and say I’m partly to blame for it. Let me explain why I’m taking responsibilty for today’s crazy weather.
You see lately, I’ve been having a little trouble buying into this whole Jesus loves you sooooo much theory. I used to see it as a fact but for reasons I’m not ready to share, the Truth has been reduced to theory. I find myself choosing to be void of compassion, joy, love, patience, kindness and gentleness. I’ve basically been choosing to be a bitch and then been blaming that decision on God.
So today I think God decided that He finally had it with me. No more Mr. Nice Guy. It was time to bring out the big guns. My natural reaction was to think my stormy grief today was to punish me. But it wasn’t. It was the exact opposite.
The 77 was 55 minutes late. This meant that there were two bus loads of people impatiently waiting for this one bus. I clutched my coffee in my hand, closed my eyes as tight as I could and prayed fervently for even a tiny shread of compassion for my fellow commuters. I pushed against the back door of the bus. This meant I now had a first hand view of what it was really like outside everytime the door opened. And it hit me the first time the door opened. To say the storm was fierce would be doing a grave injustice to God. It was unbelievable.
There was a tiny little Filipino woman waiting at the next stop. The bus stopped at the lights, while she patiently waited for the driver to let her in. He never did. The bus was too full. She knocked at the door pleading with him to open it but just got an apologetic look back.
At every bus stop, I saw rows of people beaten down by the snow, waiting for their salvation on wheels. But the bus just passed them by. I dont know what came over me but I began to cry for them. I prayed for them more intensely then I ever prayed for anything else in my life. I knew I had finally felt it. I felt compassion to a degree that I didnt think I was capable of feeling.
It took me three hours to get to work today. The snow was still coming down crazy when I got off the bus. I still had a 30 minute walk ahead of me before I would get to work. It was the walk of death. The sidewalks snowy and slushy. My toes had turned into 10 little frozen popsicles in my wet boots, my fingers were numb, I was drenched from head to toe thanks to a massive truck splashing all the sidewalk slush in my hair and face. But as I walked, something in me completly relaxed and I felt this undescribable joy. The harder the snow came down, the more joy I felt. I’ve been to tons of retreats, healing masses, spiritual direction sessions and nothing compared to the sheer joy I felt at that moment. Just pure joy for absolutley no reason in the face of a ridiculous massive snow storm. Because at that moment, I knew why I had to go through this.
You see the truth is, God doesnt care about your faults. He could care less whether you have the patience of a saint or the stubborness of a mule. He will do whatever it takes to shows you He loves you fiercely. Some of us fiercely feel His love when they see a daisy, while the rest of us need a light show…like a terribly fierce storm.
Everytime I bitched about how cold it was, or about how I had slush in my mouth because of that stupid truck, all I could hear in my head was:
“What?! Karen, are you serious?? Today you are that one sheep I’m looking for while I leave the rest of the 99 in the storm waiting for the bus and you’re STILL not convinced that I love you? Not even a little?”. Another gigantic splash of slush flies in my face from a passing car. I had to laugh. God and I didn’t exactly share the same sense of humor.
And so folks, if you’ve had a hard time this morning because of this crazy storm, I apologise. You might say, well Karen its not your fault. Umm…I think it kinda is. If you’ve had a hard time feeling love from above, your package and a bunch of daisies are in the mail . Just have a vase, a warm winter coat and brace yourself. And if its any consolation, I’m still trying to get the sidewalk slush taste out of my mouth.
The next sunny day is on me, I promise.