Friday Chronicles: Five things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving

I know I’m a little late, but better late than pregnant…right? (Right Breezyk?)

Welcome again to this week’s edition of The Chronicles. I’ve been seeing a lot of Thanksgiving related posts these days and obviously The Chronicles will take a piece of that pumpkin pie. If the fact that it’s Friday/Saturday doesn’t already bring a lone tear of gratitude to your eye, then I don’t know what will.

Sometimes even when life is good, we may find it hard to be thankful. Our first-world problems, although trivial can really be a cause of stress. The Friday Chronicles understands, and ensures that this won’t be a post trying to make you feel guilty about not being more thankful for the shit loads of things you already have.

And so without further ado, let’s begin!…

1) Kate Middleton  returns clothing gift from Kim Kardashian:

This is by far my most favorite story of the week and was what convinced me that maybe this world is not down in a sewer just yet. The Duchess, in this very strong rumor, allegedly returned some clothing items that Kinky Kardashian sent her in hopes of publicizing her klothing line, Kardashian Kollection.

Just a few months ago, Kardashian’s krush Kanye urged his hoochie mama to be more poised and sophisticated like Kate. Well, Oprah and Disney may tell you that “anything is possible”, but the truth is that some things are REALLY not.  

Red Carpet soul sisters

2) Man buys Toronto Maple Leafs toilet for $5,300.00:

There are two things Toronto is really not good for- the Queen Street streetcar, which is hailed as an urban myth and the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto’s shiteous hockey team. Over the past few years, Leafs die-hard fans(because you’re either a die-hard or completely indifferent)  have been paying anywhere between $117-$300.00 to watch the Leafs continuously lose and go home in bitter tears.

Obviously, all the disappointment over the years wasn’t enough to sway Toronto native Jim Vigmond, who just paid $5,300.00 to literally take the ultimate crap from the Leafs. The expensive potty is one among many Leaf items that was auctioned off to crazy fans. The Maple Leaf Gardens, where the Leafs and their toilet were orginally based, moved and now is converted into a grocery store, hence leaving some of their random shit for the die-hards.

A toilet

3) Ukrainian priest slaps Pussy Riot sympathizers with censer:

Continuing with this shit-for-brains theme this week, a bunch of guys with stockings on their heads stormed into a Ukrainian Orthodox church to perform a terrible version of the already terrible version of the feminist group’s “Punk Prayer”. But the priest was having none of this nonsense. The old guy proceeded to smack these crackpots with a censer, after which, he handed them over to the police.

Just in case you don’t know what a censer is (I didn’t), it’s the vessel used to dispense incense. Which makes the mental picture of an old man swinging this at the stocking-clad members of Penis Protest even funnier.

A censer is a vessel used for dispensing incense and knocking sense into dumbasses

4) Israel-Palestine photo goes viral:

In the midst of all the craziness that has been going on in Gaza, two regular guys in Manhattan posted this photo with a touching message.

Picture taken from The Huffington Post

While these guys are thinking about their people dying in war in a far off land on Thanksgiving, I’m thinking about what’s going on right here at home. My photo didn’t get nearly as much attention:

Story of my life

5) Last installment of the Twilight series in theatres now:

For the pièce de résistance, I hereby leave you with the last news item for this week. Twilight is back on the big screen. Control your excitment, folks. 

Whether you are a Twi-lover or a Twi-hater, I have found you all the perfect youtube video celebrating the end of this God-forsaken franchise. 

And with that, we complete this week’s edition of the Friday Chronicles. Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends! 

Don’t forget to participate in this fun poll:

Save a Volvo, Ride a Vampire

Disclaimer: This post is a loose review of the Twilight movies. Leave now if you have something anything to do.

Last Christmas, I visited my parents who live in Kuwait. Kuwait as a country is quite modernised. My parents though, still engage in the ancient behavior of self-mortification known as dial-up internet. I used to time my showers, lunches or dinners in such a way that by the time I was done with these tasks, my Hotmail page would have loaded at least halfway.

Hence, out of an act of sheer boredom and desperation for a connection with the consumerist Western Hemisphere, I watched all the Twilight movies. I understand I just wasted two paragraphs trying to justify this. But hear me out, I was REALLY desperate and bored. Don’t look at me like that.

Of course, after having watched the first three installments, I had to watch the latest Hollywood spew in the series: Breaking Dawn. For those of you who would have rather rolled naked in broken glass then have watched these movies but are still kind of curious as to what all the hype was about, here’s a brief recap of the previous three movies:

Chronically depressed teenager Bella Swan moves in with her oblivious cop father Charlie. Rumor has it that Bella was born without a personality. Soon the poor girl gets thrown into the hell we all know as high school. And it is at the cafeteria that Bella spots her one reason to not slit her wrists: Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen is the hearthrob of high school, which means he’s out of everyone’s league. The girls think he’s hotter than an Icelandic volcano and the guys think he’s cooler than ice cold. Edward knows this because he can hear their thoughts. Everyone loves him. He hates everyone.

Also, Edward is a 100-year-old celibate vampire who sparkles in the sunlight. (thought I’d slip that in there for shock value in case you had fallen asleep on your keyboard)                                                                                                         

Tyra knows what I'm talking about

Bella and Edward meet in Biology class. Edward drives Bella crazy because he stares at her like she’s a 3 course meal and Bella drives Edward crazy because he’s bummed that the love of his life who he’s been waiting for a hundred years had to be this expressionless doorknob instead of a Heidi Klum look-alike.

Against all odds, Ed and Bella fall in love. Even I have to admit that they are perfect for each other. Bella was the only one effed in the head enough to date someone who is as old as her  great, great, great-grandfather. Edward for his part, is the only one who can tolerate this broad’s incoherent mumbles.

Well, we think he’s the only one…. until Jacob the werewolf enters the picture. Jacob (better known as Jailbait to older female audiences) is perfect. He’s beautiful, lean and age-appropriate. He can be a bit of an animal sometimes but at least he tans instead of sparkles. His only flaw is that for some ungodly reason, he is also in love with Bella. Against all of his valiant efforts to convince Bella to choose him over the sparkly dead guy, Jacob is forever stuck in the friend zone.

Fast forward a lot of unnecessary horsecrap, Bella chooses Sparkles over Jailbait and agrees to marry him. Which finally brings us to the present day: Breaking Dawn. Or as I like to call it Breaking Bed.

_________________________________________________________________

I watched a bootleg copy of this movie which some brave soul recorded at the theatre. Thankfully not much thinking power was required to the watch this movie because I would have totally missed what was going with all the distractions of black silhouettes leaving the theatre.

In a nutshell, Bella finally marries Sparkles. The emo couple head to Brazil for their honeymoon and against the wishes of Jailbait and even Sparkles himself, vampire and human consummate their marriage. We don’t see what actually happens but it must have been a wild night since Sparkles celebrated the end of his dry spell by breaking the bed and biting on a few pillows. Bella on her part wakes up with bruises that look like someone beat her senseless the night before.

Any normal girl would be like “Sweet Mother of all that is holy!…Get away from me you blood-sucking wife beater!”. But Bella is not a normal girl. Her reaction: “Weeeeee…let’s do it again”

Fast forward to more unecessary nonsense, Bella gets pregnant. Sparkles almost has a breakdown. Meanwhile, Jailbait’s wolf pack plans to kill Bella and her spawn to protect the free world.

Bella looks thrilled at the bundle of vampire joy growing inside of her. Either that or she’s trying to pass gas because from the very beginning Bebe Sparkles proved to be quite a troublemaker. Bebe sucked the life out of Bella (not that there was much to begin with anyway) and grew at such an alarming rate that Bella’s bones begin to break.

Carlyle, doctor/vampire head honcho strongly advises Bella to abort but the girl insists on keeping it. Finally, Bebe Sparkles snaps her mother’s spine right before she goes into labor.

Bella gives birth to a large baby girl named Renesmee. Jailbait and the rest of us watching this drama all agree that this is a shiteous name. “Why couldn’t this dysfunctional family just give the rugrat a normal name like Apple or Puddle or Bear?” his face seems to say.

Meanwhile, Bella dies from spinal cord injury, loss of blood and stupidity. Jailbait tries to save her life by administering CPR and shockingly fails. Sparkles tries his hand by pumping her chest and shooting his venom everywhere on her body possible.

The  twist however, is when Jailbait goes up to Bebe Sparkles with the intention of killing her. The moment he sees her, he imprints on her. This is an involuntary action where Jailbait sees this brat as his soulmate. Gross, considering he made out with her mother. Twice. This kid will forever be a pez dispenser of psychological issues.

I think Bella comes alive as a vampire in the end.

The End.

And so there you have it. Now you are up to date with the hype. I won’t talk anymore because I feel I’ve already said enough. You know I’m running out of blog posts when…

Have a good weekend, folks!