Of all the things that have changed, blow-drying avocados is not one of them

Happy New Year you guys!!

Yes, it has been exactly 9 months since my last post. That’s enough time for a whole human being to come into existence. (This is NOT the reason for my disappearance)

It seems that I’ve been through a series of life changes over the last 9 months. And not changes like, Oh hayyyyy…I bought a new plant.

No, I mean real changes!

1) I got a new job- no more skinny jeans to work, just corporate rags. That’s right…CORPORATE. And ‘corporate’, as we call know, is just another word for I have better looking people on my commutes.

2) I moved. I used to live in a basement with small windows.l have now upgraded!! :D

Now I live in a basement with big windows). More importantly, it has shortened my commute time from one hour and a bus full of mass murderers to 30 mins and a couple of hobos.

3) I got a new boyfriend. Guys!  I’m now actually dating an real human male,  not a Ryan Gosling meme. I was able to  confirm that we’re boyfriend/girlfriend when he changed his profile picture on Facebook (you know shit’s real when…)

I thought this might be a good place to pick up where we left off- with big changes. I considered  changing my blog name and starting over but that made no sense. This was what I built everything on. But I will admit there will probably be some changes in content:

- Won’t have any more of my single girl escapades. We all know that was the cornerstone of this blog.

- Won’t talk about the suburb freaks on public transit. Now it will be the urbane freaks. Freaks all the same.

*Another new development that was totally missed out the first time around*- My best friend Bernice, who I have been friends with for over 10 years, got married (I wrote her a kick ass Maid of Honor speech) AND MOVED DOWN THE STREET FROM ME!!. Buh bye, Skype.  Hello many after work happy hours and pie dates!

On the flip side, here are the things that did not change:

- I still take public transit,

- I still live in Toronto ( Immigration Canada still sees me fit to live here.)

- I still find myself browsing feminist Ryan Gosling memes at 2am. Apparently dating someone does not magically make Ryan memes any less addictive. Sometimes I look at Grumpy Cat memes too.

- I still come home from work and lounge around with Suits/Mad Men/Dexter reruns.

This blog will be different but still the same as The Chronicles. It’s still me, just facing different things. But still blow-drying avocados in the winter.

Its good to be back, folks. Again. ;)

What have all you guys been up to when I was gone?!

All saints save the day

I had (in theory) such a great Halloween costume idea in mind this year! For once I didn’t go as myself, a crippled Disney princess or a pre-pubescent singing sensation. My Duchess of Cambridge costume had the dress, the pantyhose, the shoes, THE RING, and a supremely shiteous brown wig (to add the scary element of Halloween).

All I had was my wine, that big ass ring and the weight I didn’t realize I’d gained since I bought that dress

Unfortunately, this year Mother Nature went as Hurricane Sandy for Halloween and quite literally blew my costume out of the water. I never ended up getting to the Halloween party I was supposed to go to on Saturday. Instead I built a hurricane shelter of decorative pillows, ate potato chips and caught up on my new favorite show The Mindy Project.

I decided that in addition to being a fightercock for Halloween, I will also go as Mindy Kaling next year (who is a fightercock in her own right). Not only will this be a racially appropriate costume for once, but I have no qualms about completely removing my already dilapidated filter and becoming a verbal-diarrhea inclined noise box for one night.

We are also both pretty self-absorbed

So what did I actually do on Halloween day?

Have you ever been to one of those haunted mansions where you walk around getting aneurysms every time some asshole dressed as a zombie jumps at you? Well, my bathroom is worse. Think of the worst fake haunted house you’ve ever been to, multiply that by Fear Factor and double it by Flavor Flav. THAT was how frighteningly dirty my bathroom was. 

So on Halloween, I dressed up as a dirty bathroom cleaner and cleaned my dirty bathroom.

This costume comes complete with rubber gloves, my stained old York hoodie and a smile full of fake excitement.

But even though Halloween may officially be over, today is one of the best Catholic holidays: All Saint’s Day!

As a practicing Catholic who can`t get through a full Hail Mary without thinking about what I’m going to eat next or what I would do to my hot neighbor if he ever saw him again, patron saints are my lifeline from not getting permanently cut off by The Big Guy.

With so many prayer requests, 95% of which in recent years had to with my immigration papers, it is only natural that God assign some His most trusted buds in the bizz to handle bitch fests prayer intake paperwork.

Roman Catholisicm may have had a pretty bad rep, but those guys thought of everything when assigning saints. And so today, in honor of my Catholic upbringing, here are a list of some favorite saints and some random ones that I mentally yell for on any given day:

1) St. Anthony- Patron saint of lost things.

Common prayer: Dear St. Anthony, I lost my mind. Can you please find me a bottle of Pinot instead?

2) St. Joseph- Patron saint of workers.

Common prayer: St. Joe,  can you please inspire my patients to shower?

3) St. Isidore of Seville: Patron Saint of the Internet
Common prayer: St. Is, how many naked Ryan Gosling pictures can I download before Rogers flags my account? #girdyourloinswithgosling

4) St. Dymphna- Patron saint of insanity and mental illness

Common prayer: St. D, since my fifth cup of coffee, I’ve had purple cucumbers dancing in my head. Now they’re on my Spreadsheet. 

5) St. Drogo- Patron saint of Unattractive people

Common prayer: St. Drogo, I’m 26 and single. Please take away this plague of zits so my Neutrogena money can be better spent on a cat. 

6) St. Francis of Assissi- Patron saint of writers/journalists/bloggers

Common prayer: St. Francis, please let this post get thousands of likes and ten thousand comments. Self-esteem doesn’t magically appear out of nowhere.

7) St. Genesius- Patron saint of comedy

Common prayer: St. Genesius, these pretzels are making me thirsty. Get it? (Of course he gets it! You think Seinfeld came up with this shit on his own?)

8) St. Jude- Patron saint of lost causes.

Common prayer: St. Jude, please let Michael Kors have a sale. Also, can you make me Canadian?

9) St. Anne- Patron saint of finding love

Common prayer: St. Anne, find me a man, as fast as you can, who doesn’t drive a white van, someone with a nice tan and preferrably not a Nickleback fan. (This is the lamest prayer ever)

10) St. Joseph Cafasso- Patron saint of Prussia

Common prayer: St. Joe C, Prussia hasn’t existed for the last 65 years. If you’re not doing anything, can you please help a sister out? And when I say sister, I mean St. Anne. 

Bonus saint:

11) St. Polycarp- Patron saint of dysentery.

Common prayer: St. P, please let it all go down with one flush. 

This list represents only a tiny fraction of the multitude of saints at your disposal. There’s a saint for any human need you could possibly imagine. And all jokes aside, I don’t know where I’d be without their constant intercession. I don’t talk about religion much, but I will say that some of these saints helped me through the toughest times in my life and that deserves way more than just a light-hearted blog post. 

If you are still mourning the end of Halloween and care not much for saints then let me try and change your mind:

Come on!!! How can you say no to baby Mother Teresa?!

Seriously!! How can you!? 

Friday Wednesday Chronicles: are back

Let me first say that I`m fully aware of the fact that I`ve been living in dungeons of Slackerville Central for the past couple ofthree…four and a half weeks in terms of blogging. And if we`re going to be brutally honest then let’s also include in that list exercising, taking my vitamins and setting up my StalkMaster telescope to view the bedroom of my hot neighbour ….sorry BreezyK.

Anyway, let’s pretend like my four-week absence didn`t exist and just move on with this week’s update of retarded behaviour from around the world? Yes? As per usual, please note that all puns you may find are completely intentional.

1) Boyfriend fakes his own abduction to hide cheating:

True to everything Greg Bernhardt (look it up fellas) ever told women in his loved/hated books, Jason Laperriere of North Bay, Ontario quite literally proved that he would rather be in prison then tell his girlfriend that he’s just not that into her. Laperriere spent the night sucking face and other body parts with some crazed prostitute and then made her text his (ex) girlfriend some donkeycrap story of how he was held at gunpoint by said crazed prostitute in a $12,000.00 drug debt. 

After some colossal time wastage of police and investigators, Laperriere was thrown in the slammer where he is now spending six months in jail probably having his gun held now by Watchful Walter and Bend Over Bobby.

Laperrierre hopes to get back with his former girlfriend once he gets out.

2) Ryan Gosling reprimands Toronto cyclist:

Obviously, no Chronicles comeback from a lazy hiatus would be appropriate without talking about the eight wonder of the world. When this Adonis isn’t breaking up fights, saving crazy bitches from being run over by incoming vehicles, and having his face plastered on ovulation kits at drug stores country-wide (oh if only) he is preserving the law by scolding cyclists such as Toronto’s Michael Murray for riding his bike on the sidewalk.

Perhaps the real law (and office chair) breaker who needs to be scolded here is Toronto’s mayor for the enthusiasm he does not have for bike lanes. But really, I’d rather spend my time updating my list of things to do to get this superhero’s attention than talk about Fat Ford. So far I have riding my bike on a sidewalk, starting a fight for no apparent reason (preferably with a cute child or a defenseless three legged puppy) and risking my life by jaywalking on Yonge Street. The things we do for Ryan Gosling love.    

 

3) Man sporting ‘tighty whities’ robs coffee shop in Idaho:

So apparently a couple of weeks ago, two random nutbags held up and robbed a coffee-house at a place called Fruitland, Idaho. This is all fine except for two things: 1) They live in a place called Fruitland…which could be a direct reason for 2) One of them disguised himself with nothing but tighty whities on his head. Despite their shitty disguises, these thieves still managed to evade security cameras, which is kind of sad because all they got for the trouble was less than $500.00.

In a similar story:

4) Blue men rob Ont. variety store:

Two dumbasses from Strathroy, ON (which I guess might as well be Fruitland, Idaho) dressed in full blue morph body suits and robbed a variety store. Police dogs were dispatched but were unable to catch the blue goons.

So now the real question here  is not who the hell robs a coffee shop with underwear on his head or who the hell robs a store dressed like Lady Gaga’s backup dancers…but really, who robs better: The American Underwear thieves vs. The Canadian Blue Men thieves? You decide.

Moving on…

5) Miami police kill naked man who bit off victim’s face:

So unless you live in a sewage pipe, don’t have Facebook or you had your face eaten up over the weekend by a naked man hopped up on LSD then you would have probably either already read about this story or seen funny memes about it plastered all over the internet. If you haven’t, then never fear, I’m here to judge you and connect you back to our sick reality.

Miami cops shot to death a real life Hannibal Lecter when they found him naked on the floor chewing another guy’s face off.  Police say Mr. Deranged Looney Tunes overdosed on some new kind of LSD. Talk about having the munchies after!

Obviously you think that’s a crazy story but quite frankly, I have trouble deciding which is more ridiculous, Mr. Crazytown Face-Chewer or Ms. Bloody Mary over here:

6) Maid accused of putting period blood in boss’s coffee:

Just checking to see if you guys are all still awake. That being said though, I’m not making this up. It happened. I refuse to comment on this story. It’s too much. Even for me. But seriously, if you have a boss that you hate with every molecule of your being, then remember that nothing says “You’re the thorn in flesh that has become infected and gangrenous” like an early morning cup of menstrual coffee.

If you do want to read about the maid from Singapore who basically menstruated in his boss’ coffee cup, click here.

And with that we come to end of this week’s Chronicles. I know I mentioned this would be a Friday staple and look at me posting on all sorts of days of the week. And sometimes posting never.

I’d like to think though that its a nice random surprise to have to read about underwear robbers and menstrual coffee on a Wednesday instead of having to wait all the way till Friday, yes? No? Well, I’m back now so don’t hate me.

Until next week, folks! ;)

Friday Chronicles: Icecream trucks and Manwhores

It’s Friday again, dollfaces! After my Good Friday abstenance from bitchiness and sarcasm hiatus due to me being hypoglycemic and hungry, I am back in the pink of health ready to throw in my unnecessary two cents on the random and the ridiculous behaviour of human beings.

Although, there were two weeks worth of news to cover, I was lazy and unvigilant (unvigilant: probably not an actual word) to pick some Friday Chronicles-worthy ones. So, get ready to put up with and celebrate mediocrity this week.

We will begin with some news from my friendly neighbours down south:

1) Ice cream man accused of selling pot:

Move over Kelis and put some clothes on while you’re at it. Alexander Hoskins’ ice-cream now brings everyone to the yard. Including several fun-ruining law enforcement individuals. The 20-year-old Maryland resident, who was found to have stashes of marijuana among his Rocky Roads and Cocoa Jamochas in his icecream truck, was allegedly selling a little somethin’-somethin’ more than freezy-pops to teenagers and young adults. Either Mr. Hoskins is extremely ballsy to be dealing out of an ice-cream truck, the very symbol of innocence and frightening childhood nightmares or extremely dumb to think he could make money off of the brokest and stupidest section of society. Regardless, I don’t know why I bothered with this story.

2) Ryan Gosling saves the day…AGAIN:

Canada’s National Treasure Ryan Gosling left millions of women swooning in their panties once again when news spread like syphilis in a frat house that he saved a woman’s life by grabbing her and pulling her out of the way of an incoming vehicle. This incident is just another ovulation-inducing event in the phenomenon of saint-like behavior displayed by this Canadian SUPERSTAR. Until fairly recently, it had come to my knowledge that Gosling had a place in the swanky neighbourhood of Yorkville in downtown Toronto.

Ryan you beautiful soul, one day our paths will cross. Quite possibly soon since from now on I’ll be spending most of my Friday and Saturday nights stepping into oncoming traffic on Bloor Street with hopes of being grabbed and pulled by you.

3) Canada ranks fifth in “happiness survey”:

Its true. The only guys happier than us are the Dutch and those damn Scandinavians. But we all know that’s only the case because they have tulips, better weather, better health care, better education, better life and legalized marijuana. In an effort to be a little proactive, I asked a bunch of people if this survey truly represented the average Canadian. Maybe this “bunch of people” shouldn’t have ALL been my patients because I guess its pretty hard to be enthused about being happy when you’re an old, pensionless, arthritis-stricken Italian immigrant.

That being said, everyone was generally happy that we beat the US, who came in 11th.

Full story on the happiest and saddest countries here.

4) Adam Levine splits from his long-term girlfriend Anne V.:

If there had to be one reason for these two to break up, it would have had to be that dress she's not wearing.

Some more panty-twisty news for you ladies:. This love between Maroon 5′s manwhore frontman Adam Levine and Russian supermodel Anne V. has finally taken its toll. Because she said goodbye. (See what I just did there with the cleverly twisted lyrics?…you’re welcome all of 2 and a half Maroon 5 fans out there) Anne V., who’s last name is a 12 syllable unpronounceable Russian word starting with the letter V, strutted out the door on realising (after two whole years) that marriage is a deal breaker for Levine.

Levine for his part is in misery, blindsided by the fact that Anne broke his heart because he didn’t want to marry her and now spends his days listening to “This Love” wondering where it all went wrong.

 5) IT worker arrested for urinating in office chair:

I know what you’re thinking. Where the hell does this bitch find these stories?! I’m doing you a favor really. Now you have something to talk about when you’re on that awkward date with that guy you met at the bar.

Anyway, so this asshole (the IT guy, not your bar date. Although, he could be an IT asshole who pisses on chairs. Or in front of you while you’re sitting in the front seat of his car. Not that this has ever happened to me.) went around piddling on the chairs of all the sexy ladies in his office. Yes folks, this pisscake actually looked up photos of the attractive females in his company database and then went around waving his pipe onto their chairs. Because nothing says “you’re hot” like a little yellowish stain in your chair.

Full story on the pissing IT guy here.

Sadly, that’s all the time we have for the Friday Chronicles today. I hope your Friday the 13th did not bring any shitty luck on your end of the week. Stay tuned next week for more random news items. And if you  happen to use any of these stories to impress friends, lovers or the guy at the bar you’re desperate to knock socks with, don’t forget to tell them where you heard it first! ;)

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Friday Chronicles: What a lovely day to have a slice of Gosling pie

Here’s some news you could use: The Skinny Jeans and Starbucks Chronicles is going to try to branch out in to the mysterious world of journalism. Actually what I’m about to do here is an atrocious excuse for journalism as most real journalists out there will attest to. But while I love to write, I never thought I had the ability to be the kind of writer who could journalise anything.

But I do love throwing around my opinions where they’re least welcome so hey, why not just make a whole segment out of it! After all, I always thought life cheated me out of my true calling of being a staff reporter for TMZ so what better way to tip my hat off to that brilliant bastard Harvey Levin than Skinny Jeans style reports of the week’s happenings. So here goes, in no particular order of importance:

1) Town mouse takes over Toronto spinster’s kitchen and eats her breakfast:

Toronto blogger Karen woke up last Wednesday morning to find holes in her peanut butter sandwich. After sleep-walking and Casper the friendly ghost were ruled out, it was discovered that naughty little town mouse Dexter Cheeseman was the pooping culprit. Several days and piles of mouse shit later, an exterminator was called and Dexter is being given a one-way ticket to mouse purgatory.

2) Top baby names in 2011 for Alberta have been revealed:

The province of Alberta has released its top names for 2011. Single ladies take some furious notes here for when you go on that first date with the man of your dreams. You know that while he’s busy picking out the last bits of bread crust from his grill, you’re going to nonchalantly ask him how many of his babies he would like you birth. And when you do, he will ask you if you picked out baby names. And that’s when you will whip out this list and say Luv, Dreamz or Feather for a girl and Essay, Pistol or Jäger for a boy. And if you really want to impress him with your classiness: Princewill. You’re welcome.

Speaking of Jäger…

3) Snooki gets knocked up AND engaged:

Schnookums and her meat (http://static.igossip.com)

 Its been a busy week for this little meatball who  announced that the bump on her belly is indeed a tiny human growing inside her and not just pasta and cannolis. Obviously, paternity speculation was rampant. Some even say Maury Povich was rubbing his hands with glee while his dentures clattered with excitement at the prospect of setting up paternity testing for everything from Justin Beiber’s toothbrush to the greasy pole at the Shore’s local strip club. Much to his dismay, Maury’s services were not required as it was revealed that Jionni, Snooki’s juicebox boyfriend was the sperm donor. After that he gave her a ring with a rock the size of her hair poof.

4) Kony 2012 goes viral:

Even blind bats can see this.

A 30-minute Vimeo video of the child-mongering war lord has been spreading through social media like mad-cow disease. While there is some controversy and criticism over the video, one things for sure, everyone  including the mice that live in my ceiling now know who Joseph Kony is. I only wish Jason Russell could have made one of his boldface videos on breast cancer awareness so that we wouldn’t be subjected to reading the color of people’s bras and other nonsensical sexual information on people’s Facebook statuses each year.

5) Warm temperature drives everyone berserk:

Temperatures rose in Toronto and the GTA this week sending a few people off into their annual global warming anxiety attacks. “The weather is changing! This is so bad for the environment!” “It used to never be mild like this in the winter. We’re digging our own grave”. Ironically, the people who keep complaining about the environment being ruined are the same people who drive very large gasoline-guzzling SUVs. As for my public transit availing self, I’m happy as a fat pig in the warm sunshine.

6) WordPress introduces a new “Views by Country” site stats feature:

Love it!

 That’s right, WordPressers! Now we can actually see what countries our stalkers readers come from in our site stats. And what is the number one country that stalks me? Here’s lookin’ at you United States of America.

And last but not least, just for kicks…

7) Emma Stone says she hasn’t worked out in a month and is proud of it:

Yet another reason to hate Stoney. The girl is classy, hilarious, rich and smart. In addition to everything she is able to eat guilt-free, she has also helped herself to a generous slice of delish Ryan Gosling pie…and doesn’t look a pound heavier for it. Then again, I would imagine you wouldn’t really need a gym if you had a house-trained Gosling.  

And that’s about the round-up I have for you today. I’m thinking of making this a weekly post. But I need some feedback. Would you be a reader of the weekly Friday Chronicles?