Friday Chronicles: Diabetes and Moose poop

After a long hiatus from my weekly commentary on the idiotic behavior of idiots, the Friday Chronicles is back for another round of cheap laughs at the latest and not-so-greatest weekly news items!

I’m aware of just how long it has been. By now, some of you may have  acquired spouses, allergies, illegitimate children, book deals or, if you live my life, absolutely nothing. But no matter how crazy or not crazy your life has gotten since the last lifetime, there’s always time for some LOLZ for your Friday.

Politics seems to be the theme of this month. I vowed never to dabble too much on politics on my blog, and I’m not about to break that for the sake for the Friday Chronicles. But every once in a while, politics makes for some good humor.

1) Obama wins the presidential election 2012:

This news is stale and unless you’ve had your head stuck in a tin pipe in some sewer on Jupiter for the last two weeks, I really don’t think I’ve ruined the ending for anyone. The Republicans are now prepping for the end of the world, and the Democrats are advocating for women’s rights to choose between a binder and large manila envelope. But the actual news item that I’m trying to get at by using this as a leeway is:

2) Republicans threaten to move to Canada after Mittens Romney’s defeat in the 2012 presidential elections:

Time to bust out the Say Whaaaa face….

All these fools be so ridiculous that I can’t even eat my fried chicken in peace anymore.

This was clearly the highlight of the elections for me. In a rush of NObama frenzy, disgruntled and fed-up  Republicans expressed some adamant wishes to move to Canada, the one country that embodies the Republican nightmare: shiteous taxes, government funded healthcare, zero abortion laws, zero gun policy, gay marriage, jungle-is-massive lineups at Tim Hortons, Parti Quebecois…

Here are some clearly agitated Repub tweeters expressing their views:

And my personal favorite:

I love how the media uses the word “threaten”. Because in addition to the global warming panic-attacks Canadians experience whenever the weather is humid, and the by-law stating that all Canadians must spend at least 35.8 minutes of their day holding the door open for strangers, we now have to worry about disgruntled Republicans storming into our igloos and making fun of our poorly designed plastic money. 

As terrifying as these issues sound though, nothing compares to the biggest obstacle Republicans will have to face when they move here: switching to the metric system. 

Come on, Republican America! Is this what you really want?

“I’m telling ya, Barry O! All we need is a moose and a gun loaded with Timbits and we can rule the WORLDDDD!”
Diabetes and moose poop- Canada’s line of defense in case of foreign attack

(Quick Glossary: Timbits= Canada’s gift to the world= lethal balls of sugar from Tim Hortons)

If you are really hard pressed for a place to move to, here’s a suggestion:

3) Kuwait lands in the Guiness Book of Record for the largest firework display of life:

Kuwait, which is a relatively unknown little oil-rich country in the Middle East (and NOT a small farming town in Manitoba), made it into the Guiness Book of records last week. Why you ask? Because they just spent 15 million dollars on a firework display to celebrate the 50th anniversary of their constitution.  Take that, Fourth of July! Don’t even TRY to top this. Because Kuwait will just sneeze out a few million barrels of oil and buy your whole country.  

Here are some images:

You can click on the title of this news piece to see more of these pictures

I tried to think of some smartass comparisons but I keep getting distracted by all these lights. And after having lived in Kuwait my whole life, the only way I can describe this is by the image of Kim Kardashian: Hot, flashy and so ridiculously over the top. 

4) Facebook creates new “Couples Pages”:

Singles Unite! We now have another reason to drink vodka and write blog posts about talking to our kitchen appliances like they are real people. Facebook announced that they will now be collating all the information about you and anyone you have listed as being “in a relationship” with into your own couple’s page. And as with most new Facebook features, you have no say in this. 

It’s just like Facebook to take away any last shred of joy that one experiences when, after hours of stalking, manages to overcome all the obstacles of privacy settings and find personal information about their exes. But of course, I found an upside to all this. Less time for stalking can only mean more time to correct everyone’s grammar. 

And finally,

In my search for news stories this week, I found out that my husband celebrated his 32nd birthday on November 12th! 

5) Happy Birthday, Ryan Gosling!

And CLEARLY he doesn’t mind that I actually had no idea when his birthday was, as evidenced by what he said to me:

YES.
(www.effyeahryangosling.tumblr.com)

And with that, we complete this week’s political, hormonal, self-deprecating round up of “news”. Join me next time for another round my social commentary on the wonderfully weird things making the news. Happy Friday and have a great weekend, comrades!

Friday Chronicles: It’s totes the weekend!

In the eloquent words of Rebecca Black…it’s FRIDAY!  Good job all you hard-working angel-faces and welcome to this week’s edition of The Friday Chronicles. I’ll be honest, it’s kind of been a slow week in the news. Partly because I’ve been walking around in a zombie-like state after my Montreal weekend of sleep-deprived goodtimes. And partly because the news hasn’t been that LOLZ worthy.

Nonetheless, I’ve been working hard on bringing you some Friday randomness to finish off your work week.  So kick off your shoes, pop a Valium and get ready for this week’s roundup of the world’s ridiculousness and mediocrity.

Let me  begin with a news item that highlights the failure of not finding an actual news item:

1) Karen learns about One Direction and some new slang  from her patients:

Shakespeare rolled in his grave on Wednesday when my 42-year-old patient informed me that her 16-year-old daughter “totes loves One Direction.” I puzzled over the numerous questions that came to mind when I heard that sentence. Like for example, does her daughter have a penchant for tote bags? Does she only like to drive on uni-directional streets? Would I go in the Guinness Book of Records as the first 25-year-old to display symptoms of dementia? After finding out that One Direction was an MTV spawn of pubescent fetuses making 16-year-old girls feel indie about not having Beiber fever, I realised that maybe I was going totes going cray-cray after all. Translation: I’m getting old.

Hey girl, why choose one Beiber when you can have five?

Speaking of fetuses…

2) Jennifer Lopez is reportedly dating one:

Jenny from the block in a recent interview with Vogue, told the world that her 24-year-old boyfriend Casper Smart is “a good egg” . Just how much of a bad egg was Marc Anthony? Bebe Smart, who shares his first name with everybody’s favorite ghost, indeed does share some of the same personality traits with the friendly spirit. They are both look friendly, and according to Cray-Cray Lopez, Bebe Smart is “sweet and loving” too which really just means that he’s good in bed.  Most of all, they actually look like alike. Hmm..

Casper the friendly fetus

Casper the friendly ghost

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moving on…

 3) Gordon Ramsey sues a Montreal eatery for 3 million buckeroos:

I’ll be honest. The only reason this story made it to the Chronicles is because it involves food, drama and Montreal. Ramsey basically lost his shit when Montreal restaurant Laurier BBQ cut him out as a business partner and defamed his name. The chef, who’s famous for defaming other people, denies that he even agreed to operate the restaurant or act as a consultant. Now he’s suing  for 2 million in potential revenue loses from a restaurant he claims he never agreed to operate, $500,000.00 for defamation and the rest of it for expenses that go with being the giant divo that he is. Just goes to show, never mess with the Ramsey for revenge is a dish served with a *beeep*ing 3-million dollar lawsuit.

4) Teens worldwide take to “The Cinnamon Challenge”:

No, this is not a cute little Starbucks promotion for some new line of cinnamon infused baked goods. Perhaps something like “I challenge you to try out our new questionable vegan cinnamon onion cupcake absolutely free.” Alas! No vegan cinnamon onion cupcakes for anyone…which I guess is just as well. Instead, it is a disturbing phenomenon wherein in a display of colossal stupidity, teenagers have been swallowing a teaspoon of cinnamon. The adrenaline junkies from this bunch of pubescent Einsteins have also attempted to inhale it. Which begs the question…whatever happened to glue? Or crushed Tylenol? Or cough medicine? Or cocaine? I miss the good old days when you didn`t have to go snooping around your mother`s spice rack everytime you got bored.

More about the cinnamon challenge here.

5) New Jersey runs out of toilet paper: (Clearly by now you can see that this has indeed been a slow week for The Friday Chronicles)

Trenton residents seem to be quite literally shit out of luck. This past week apparently saw some budget cuts in New Jersey’s capital city which was serious enough to wipe out toilet paper supplies from police stations, fire stations and some municipal offices. If you read last week’s edition of the Friday Chronicles, you might recall that I ran the story of Anita Narre who suffered the shitty problem of not having a toilet. In dire situations like this, Trentoners must turn to the philosophy of WWAND -What would Anita Narre Do? Or as my best friend and New Jersey resident Bernice would say “Make friends with a Kleenex box”.

Full Story here.

6) St. Patrick’s day celebrations turns awry in London, ON:

Riots broke out in London, Ontario when some drunken fools took to the streets and started…well rioting I guess. I decided to go with this story with excited intentions of making lame jokes about the irony of how St. Patrick stood for everything opposite of rioting and breaking glass windows for no apparent reason. But then I stopped and thought, wait…what the heck did St. Patrick exactly do? Upon extensive investigation on Google, I found nothing. He did help shoo away some snakes, although that was later dismissed as a rumor spread by rambunctious leprechauns. My patients, who are mostly old Catholic Italian nonnas were interrogated in this matter as well and the verdict of the masses was unanimous. Poor St. Paddy was now essentially being seen as the patron saint for parades and beer. Sometimes Ireland and alcohol-poisoning. But mostly just parades.

Full story on the riots here.

And that my lovely friends, is my weekly round-up for you. I hope you all have a restful weekend. You totes deserve it! Until next time, be good and hide yo’ cinammon.