Friday Chronicles: Diabetes and Moose poop

After a long hiatus from my weekly commentary on the idiotic behavior of idiots, the Friday Chronicles is back for another round of cheap laughs at the latest and not-so-greatest weekly news items!

I’m aware of just how long it has been. By now, some of you may have  acquired spouses, allergies, illegitimate children, book deals or, if you live my life, absolutely nothing. But no matter how crazy or not crazy your life has gotten since the last lifetime, there’s always time for some LOLZ for your Friday.

Politics seems to be the theme of this month. I vowed never to dabble too much on politics on my blog, and I’m not about to break that for the sake for the Friday Chronicles. But every once in a while, politics makes for some good humor.

1) Obama wins the presidential election 2012:

This news is stale and unless you’ve had your head stuck in a tin pipe in some sewer on Jupiter for the last two weeks, I really don’t think I’ve ruined the ending for anyone. The Republicans are now prepping for the end of the world, and the Democrats are advocating for women’s rights to choose between a binder and large manila envelope. But the actual news item that I’m trying to get at by using this as a leeway is:

2) Republicans threaten to move to Canada after Mittens Romney’s defeat in the 2012 presidential elections:

Time to bust out the Say Whaaaa face….

All these fools be so ridiculous that I can’t even eat my fried chicken in peace anymore.

This was clearly the highlight of the elections for me. In a rush of NObama frenzy, disgruntled and fed-up  Republicans expressed some adamant wishes to move to Canada, the one country that embodies the Republican nightmare: shiteous taxes, government funded healthcare, zero abortion laws, zero gun policy, gay marriage, jungle-is-massive lineups at Tim Hortons, Parti Quebecois…

Here are some clearly agitated Repub tweeters expressing their views:

And my personal favorite:

I love how the media uses the word “threaten”. Because in addition to the global warming panic-attacks Canadians experience whenever the weather is humid, and the by-law stating that all Canadians must spend at least 35.8 minutes of their day holding the door open for strangers, we now have to worry about disgruntled Republicans storming into our igloos and making fun of our poorly designed plastic money. 

As terrifying as these issues sound though, nothing compares to the biggest obstacle Republicans will have to face when they move here: switching to the metric system. 

Come on, Republican America! Is this what you really want?

“I’m telling ya, Barry O! All we need is a moose and a gun loaded with Timbits and we can rule the WORLDDDD!”
Diabetes and moose poop- Canada’s line of defense in case of foreign attack

(Quick Glossary: Timbits= Canada’s gift to the world= lethal balls of sugar from Tim Hortons)

If you are really hard pressed for a place to move to, here’s a suggestion:

3) Kuwait lands in the Guiness Book of Record for the largest firework display of life:

Kuwait, which is a relatively unknown little oil-rich country in the Middle East (and NOT a small farming town in Manitoba), made it into the Guiness Book of records last week. Why you ask? Because they just spent 15 million dollars on a firework display to celebrate the 50th anniversary of their constitution.  Take that, Fourth of July! Don’t even TRY to top this. Because Kuwait will just sneeze out a few million barrels of oil and buy your whole country.  

Here are some images:

You can click on the title of this news piece to see more of these pictures

I tried to think of some smartass comparisons but I keep getting distracted by all these lights. And after having lived in Kuwait my whole life, the only way I can describe this is by the image of Kim Kardashian: Hot, flashy and so ridiculously over the top. 

4) Facebook creates new “Couples Pages”:

Singles Unite! We now have another reason to drink vodka and write blog posts about talking to our kitchen appliances like they are real people. Facebook announced that they will now be collating all the information about you and anyone you have listed as being “in a relationship” with into your own couple’s page. And as with most new Facebook features, you have no say in this. 

It’s just like Facebook to take away any last shred of joy that one experiences when, after hours of stalking, manages to overcome all the obstacles of privacy settings and find personal information about their exes. But of course, I found an upside to all this. Less time for stalking can only mean more time to correct everyone’s grammar. 

And finally,

In my search for news stories this week, I found out that my husband celebrated his 32nd birthday on November 12th! 

5) Happy Birthday, Ryan Gosling!

And CLEARLY he doesn’t mind that I actually had no idea when his birthday was, as evidenced by what he said to me:

YES.
(www.effyeahryangosling.tumblr.com)

And with that, we complete this week’s political, hormonal, self-deprecating round up of “news”. Join me next time for another round my social commentary on the wonderfully weird things making the news. Happy Friday and have a great weekend, comrades!

Friday Chronicles: What a lovely day to have a slice of Gosling pie

Here’s some news you could use: The Skinny Jeans and Starbucks Chronicles is going to try to branch out in to the mysterious world of journalism. Actually what I’m about to do here is an atrocious excuse for journalism as most real journalists out there will attest to. But while I love to write, I never thought I had the ability to be the kind of writer who could journalise anything.

But I do love throwing around my opinions where they’re least welcome so hey, why not just make a whole segment out of it! After all, I always thought life cheated me out of my true calling of being a staff reporter for TMZ so what better way to tip my hat off to that brilliant bastard Harvey Levin than Skinny Jeans style reports of the week’s happenings. So here goes, in no particular order of importance:

1) Town mouse takes over Toronto spinster’s kitchen and eats her breakfast:

Toronto blogger Karen woke up last Wednesday morning to find holes in her peanut butter sandwich. After sleep-walking and Casper the friendly ghost were ruled out, it was discovered that naughty little town mouse Dexter Cheeseman was the pooping culprit. Several days and piles of mouse shit later, an exterminator was called and Dexter is being given a one-way ticket to mouse purgatory.

2) Top baby names in 2011 for Alberta have been revealed:

The province of Alberta has released its top names for 2011. Single ladies take some furious notes here for when you go on that first date with the man of your dreams. You know that while he’s busy picking out the last bits of bread crust from his grill, you’re going to nonchalantly ask him how many of his babies he would like you birth. And when you do, he will ask you if you picked out baby names. And that’s when you will whip out this list and say Luv, Dreamz or Feather for a girl and Essay, Pistol or Jäger for a boy. And if you really want to impress him with your classiness: Princewill. You’re welcome.

Speaking of Jäger…

3) Snooki gets knocked up AND engaged:

Schnookums and her meat (http://static.igossip.com)

 Its been a busy week for this little meatball who  announced that the bump on her belly is indeed a tiny human growing inside her and not just pasta and cannolis. Obviously, paternity speculation was rampant. Some even say Maury Povich was rubbing his hands with glee while his dentures clattered with excitement at the prospect of setting up paternity testing for everything from Justin Beiber’s toothbrush to the greasy pole at the Shore’s local strip club. Much to his dismay, Maury’s services were not required as it was revealed that Jionni, Snooki’s juicebox boyfriend was the sperm donor. After that he gave her a ring with a rock the size of her hair poof.

4) Kony 2012 goes viral:

Even blind bats can see this.

A 30-minute Vimeo video of the child-mongering war lord has been spreading through social media like mad-cow disease. While there is some controversy and criticism over the video, one things for sure, everyone  including the mice that live in my ceiling now know who Joseph Kony is. I only wish Jason Russell could have made one of his boldface videos on breast cancer awareness so that we wouldn’t be subjected to reading the color of people’s bras and other nonsensical sexual information on people’s Facebook statuses each year.

5) Warm temperature drives everyone berserk:

Temperatures rose in Toronto and the GTA this week sending a few people off into their annual global warming anxiety attacks. “The weather is changing! This is so bad for the environment!” “It used to never be mild like this in the winter. We’re digging our own grave”. Ironically, the people who keep complaining about the environment being ruined are the same people who drive very large gasoline-guzzling SUVs. As for my public transit availing self, I’m happy as a fat pig in the warm sunshine.

6) WordPress introduces a new “Views by Country” site stats feature:

Love it!

 That’s right, WordPressers! Now we can actually see what countries our stalkers readers come from in our site stats. And what is the number one country that stalks me? Here’s lookin’ at you United States of America.

And last but not least, just for kicks…

7) Emma Stone says she hasn’t worked out in a month and is proud of it:

Yet another reason to hate Stoney. The girl is classy, hilarious, rich and smart. In addition to everything she is able to eat guilt-free, she has also helped herself to a generous slice of delish Ryan Gosling pie…and doesn’t look a pound heavier for it. Then again, I would imagine you wouldn’t really need a gym if you had a house-trained Gosling.  

And that’s about the round-up I have for you today. I’m thinking of making this a weekly post. But I need some feedback. Would you be a reader of the weekly Friday Chronicles?

The Lenten Plight of an average guilt-ridden Catholic

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. Yes, it’s that time of year again, children.

If you are Catholic, you know that it’s time again to put on your woollen sackcloth and gird your loins for 40 days of Famished Fridays. If you are a Catholic that carries enough guilt to make the whole world and a couple of Martians  repent, then you are probably preparing to take on some extra sacrifices.

Since I fall in the latter category of Catholics, I have spent the last couple of days stressing myself over which of my vices would reluctantly get the boot for 40 days. In the past, I tried asking some of my Catholic friends for suggestions for stuff to give up. The best I got was, “Well, pray about it.”, which is the Catholic way of saying ‘Quit bitching, I’m busy’. The worst I got were actual suggestions of some unthinkable things like giving up make-up and hot showers.  

So I decided to “pray about it”, which I’m now doing on the eve of Ash day by listening to Taylor Swift and blogging instead of lighting a candle and saying a novena.

In previous years, Lent used to be a time when I would try to one-up myself with ridiculous things to give up. I think maybe it was more of a competition I liked having with myself to see how far I could push myself. Alas! As history of my Lenten endeavors would indicate, I’m not very competitive…even when I have nothing and no one to compete with.

-Contact lenses (2007)

Yes, a few years ago, I gave up my contact lenses for Lent. I understand this makes no sense, but hear me out. I hated wearing glasses. Trading my glasses in for contacts in 11th grade was like shedding my frog costume for confidence. Hence the idea of wearing glasses for forty days straight  sat as well with me as  the idea of wearing a burqa would sit with Paris Hilton.

Why this won’t be such a sacrifice for me now? Because in addition to not having the same 5-year-old boy haircut and unibrow that I did in highschool, I now also have a little more confidence outside of my outward appearance. And I have since highschool changed my glasses to a pair that doesn’t make me look like a frog. Everybody wins!…except Lent.

- Facebook (2009)

I gave up Facebook for Lent 2009. It was no easy feat but I was juiced up on the idea of one-uping contact lenses. Since Sundays don’t count as Lenten days…something I learnt at the end of 40 torturous contact-lensless days in the social desert…I got my Facebook fix once a week. Some consider this cheating. I considered it God’s way of keeping me sane.

Why this won’t be such a sacrifice now? Because I won’t be making it.

- Coffee (2010)

In my craze to one-up every previous Lenten sacrifice, I told myself I would give up coffee. This marked the beginning of the end of my adventures of climbing the Lenten Mt. Everest seeing as how one week into the climb, I fell off the mountain, cracked my skull and lost my mind. This illustration explains perfectly what happened and why it will never happen again.

Sadly, my successful Lenten streak of super sacrifice ended here. (www.lapsura.com)

 - iPod (2011)

I’m pleading insanity on this one. Clearly, I either forgot the coffee failure of 2010 or my over-zealous Catholic self felt the need the make up for it. I didn’t survive one day and decided to pray everyday on the bus to overcome the guilt instead.

Why this won’t be a sacrifice for me now? Because last I heard, the Catholic Church considers suicide a sin.

- ?????(2012)

No, I didn’t take a 10 minute break from my blog to pray about anything. But what I do understand now at the end of this post is that giving up things makes me miserable. Perhaps if I could be one of those truly Biblical people who “anoint their head and wash their face” while they reach for the Tetley instead of a Starbucks grande, then I might have more success with giving up.

But I’m not.

So this year, I’m not giving up anything. I will listen to my iPod, drink coffee everyday and wear my contact lenses. I will take hot showers, drink wine and be a happy person. Misery need not claim another Lenten victim. This would also very much benefit everyone around me since no one needs to be dealing with coffee-less Karen as much as they shouldn’t be dealing with a lunatic bitch carelessly hurling around sharp objects.

Probably the best thing I could ever give up…for everyone’s sake.

In place of giving up pieces of my life that keep me sane, I will instead give up procrastinating on things like laundry, dishes and dirty bath tubs and bring life back to order. Because order makes me happy. Almost as about as happy as my iPod, coffee and contact lenses. And if I give up being lazy, maybe for once, I will be happy for Lent. I’m pretty sure this is what Jesus would do anyway.

I have finally met my Prince Charming

And in this day and age, it came in the form of nothing other than a Facebook creeper friend request. I have no idea who this kook is but he also attached a special message making his case as to why he’s such a stellar human being.

This is the actual text of his message. None of it has been altered in any way…save for my thought process in italic green. In fact, I had to read it several times before my brain could reason with itself as to what the appropriate reaction should be for each line. Yes. EACH LINE is poetry:

_______________________

“my name is Buttmunch (name’s changed to protect the identity of this fine specimen), im 25, and I think your hot

with this been said, i think im very resposnible and I insist for people who are associated to me to be the same

I like having maximum fun, however, intergrated with a intersection point of resposiblity (someone please tell me what exactly is intersecting here. Also, while you’re at it, please console me on the fact that I have finally met someone who likes to have maximum fun and is “resposnible” and yet is not taking “resposiblity” for horrid spelling)

like a graph, only smarter, and not as sexy (what?)

I am very sexy man (but not as sexy as a graph), and i enjoy to read alot, and I enjoy vocabulary (noooo, really?) , im excellent at music, and writting (You could have fooled me, Hemingway), but i suck at drawing, maybe you can teach me some teachniques, I learned a few inmy history book from western civilizations such as contra posto and ciaro sccurro, all fashioned int he doric roman period and revived in the rennesance lolololol YOU WILL TEACH ME OR BE JETTSONED DISCARDED (sweet fancy Moses……WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GHASTLY GIBBERISH????)

And this painful email diarrhea doesn’t end there. It goes on…

Im a huge arrogant bastard(TAKE ME NOW.) some women come to find me wing (wing? what?), the most seccure
If you like having fun and being intelectual please e-mail me, i think your photos are radiant (photos?  how many photos can this lunatic see? *quickly checks facebook privacy settings in a panicked frenzy*)

If you want photo of me, i will e-mail them, but i assure you im as handsome as I am arrogant (SOLD!)”

_____________________________________

At first I didn’t know what to think when I read this. Maybe this was a joke? Maybe it wasn’t. My frame of mind was in a weird combination of shock and amusement. The shock and anger wore off but the amusement remained. Here was a guy who was two fries short of a Happy Meal and yet believed the sun shone out of his ass.

But then I thought to myself, he is very very sexy. (no photo, but I’ll take his word for it). Maybe not as sexy as a graph, but last time I tried to date a graph, it ended with me almost failing my Stats midterm so it’s probably just as well.

Maybe I had to break down my walls of spinsterhood and let in this Champion among men. I needed someone honest enough to realise his flaws (arrogant bastardhood, inability to draw) and his strong points (living in the intersection of ‘resposblity’, ‘wing and seccure’).

I tallied him up against my New and Improved Boyfriend Screening Process. And this folks is when I found a major flaw in my screening process.

I never factored in spelling. Because if I had, this imbecile would have been instantly disqualified. I can handle ‘arrogant bastard’ and to an extent even ‘smarter than a graph’ but I draw the line at inability to piss his own name in the snow.