At least I have Eton A. Holton

November historically is a month known to usher in numerous first-world problems. Darker days, pedophilic facial hair, wrist-slitting Christmas holiday music while you’re standing in a three mile line up at Walmart to buy socks…

The worst thing about November for me is that winter is so incredibly close to kicking you in the ass for the next three months. Toronto put up a brave fight last year and came out victorious, officially cutting out winter 2011-2012. The only thing Toronto is cutting this winter are the lineups at the pharmacy for anti-depression meds.

But you know me, I’m not one to waste too many words wallowing in this annual life obstacle. Obviously, I will fight the winter blues in the best way I know how: Food and listening to Taylor Swift.

T. Swift’s music is the perfect laxative for tough city girls like me who suffer from seasonal bouts of emotional constipation. The other day I was having my dinner and listening to Taylor’s new album when all of a sudden, I burst into tears for no apparent reason. Taylor is a lyrical genius, I thought to myself while sobbing into my very large bowl of vegetable casserole. 

But I know this year, the cold is coming out swinging. If my only defense mechanism is being an avid emotional eater and a proud Swiftie, then I might as well put a target on my ass and moon winter.

I needed something more concrete. In my daily routine of scouring food websites, I found it. The key to (temporary) winter happiness: a blender.

I thought about this thoroughly. The endless possibilities when you have a blender!  Just think of all the indoor culinary adventures one could engage in this winter! Elaborately made gourmet smoothies, homemade jams, chutneys, almost every home-cooked meal (you’d be surprised at how many meals need a blender),  guacamole…just about anything that requires shit loads of work, patience and washing up later on.

I trudged my way to Sears. Picking the right blender is key (to having fun at Sears). I asked one of the many salesladies who didn’t speak English about which blender would be ideal for me. After making several blender hand gestures and voicing blender sounds to the ESL saleslady, I was finally pointed to the general grinder section. I sifted through the entire family tree of food smashers until the holy Sears spotlight of kitchen appliances fell on my new BFF.

Eton A. Holton was not available at the time for a photo-op. But he’s a fine poser for Paint sketches like these.

His christened name is Eton A. Holton.

I took Eton A. Holton out of his box, gave him a bath and introduced him to his new home in my kitchen. Because I have no patience, I immediately loaded raspberries, blackberries and yogurt into Eton A. Holton. I sealed in the top, plugged him in and hit the grind button. Nothing happened. Eton A. Holton stood there staring at me silently while I stared back confused. 

I removed the berries and the yogurt which was no easy or tidy feat, dismantled everything, put everything together again and screwed the top back on. Again….NOTHING. Eton A. Holton stared at me stubbornly. Angrily. Passively. Stupidly.

What the hell was I doing wrong? I finally had the bright idea of reading the manual. Under the section “How do single girls get Eton A. Holton to work after you stuff him with berries”, it stated that I make sure Eton A. Holton is fully plugged in, stuffed with food (but not too stuffed) and most importantly: put the lid on and close this tightly the right way. 

Eton A. Holton was closed alright. I kept removing the lid and trying out a million different ways to close it, but all in vain. I wanted to cry but couldn’t because only T.Swift has that kind of power over me.

The manual had a phone number for tech support. It hit me, as I collapsed on my kitchen floor in shame, that this was the lowest point in my tough,  city girl single life: having to call tech support for a blender. 

I dropped everything, ate a cookie and thought I’d go back for one last try before I called Sanjay in Mumbai Scott in Maine for help. I must have screwed Eton A. Holton’s top on right this time because the moment I hit his buttons, he smirked and roared into gear.

In four and a half seconds, I had an expertly blended but very disgusting tasting smoothie. 

It was then that I realised how very similar me and Eton A. Holton really are. We are two perfectionists brought together by fate and Sears to teach each some important life lessons. I have learnt three so far:

1) Don’t be such a tight ass. Oftentimes there is more than one right way to do things. 

2) Enjoy the moment. Sometimes the blended fruit of your life’s labors isn’t even close to what you imagined it to be and you realize that the most fun you had was the process of putting it all together and making it work. 

3) Don’t settle. The right person will take the trouble to learn exactly how to turn you on and push the right buttons before you give away your smoothies at the yard. 

I have no more lessons because its only been a week since I’ve had Eton A. Holton. So far, we have made a six month supply of crushed garlic, spinach-chickpea fritters and one expertly blended, disgusting tasting smoothie.

Eton A. Holton hasn’t budged on the right way to turn him on, but he does push the boundaries with how much food he can take.

Lesson 4) Try as you might, you can never eat more than a Holton. (Holton= Hole-ton=Whole-ton…for those of you who didn’t catch my pathetic attempt at wordplay) 

Audience Questions: 1) What are you guys doing to beat the winter blues?

2) Does ANYONE here know how to make a decent smoothie?

39 thoughts on “At least I have Eton A. Holton

  1. Nice to know I’m not the only one to struggle with modern technology!!! :)

    No idea how to help though – perhaps your smoothie needed some sugar?

    Just a thought! :)

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.

  2. I love smoothies and I couldn’t help but notice your recipe.

    Consider adding juice next time. And a banana, if you like…If not juice, some prefer to use milk.

    Basically it sounded to me as though your mixture lacked a liquid so that it would blend well and above all, be drinkable. ;)

    Take care!

    • Frozen fruit. That seems to be a common suggestion. I wonder what would be the difference if I put in fresh fruit with a few ice cubes? (this is actually a serious pondering)

      Thanks for the tip on oj! My coworker told me to use oj and I thought she was messing around. But I guess its a real smoothie staple :/

  3. 1) I live in Dubai, so winter means perfect beach weather! I can’t wait :)
    2) Whenever my sister makes smoothies she uses a little yogurt, frozen fruits, and adds skim milk. She adds a banana for sweetness and as a thickener, but I personally don’t like the taste of banana :/

    • 1) I grew up in Kuwait so I know exactly what you mean by beach weather in the winter lol. That’s the only thing about Kuwait that I miss.
      2) You’re the first person on this thread who suggested I use milk! Woohoo! I was wondering about that but thought that maybe I was crazy. I like bananas so I’ll probably use them anyway. Thanks for the tips Jos!
      And enjoy Dubai winters as much as you can. You’ll miss them when you come here ;)

  4. I love smoothies… I made a pumpkin one yesterday, it tasted like pumpkin pie
    1c Coconut milk (unsweetened)
    1c pure Pumpkin
    1/4 tsp ginger
    1/4 tsp nutmeg
    1 tsp cinnamon
    1 scoop unflavoured protein powder

    Today I made a kale smoothie:
    1c kale
    1c coconut milk
    1/2 banana
    1c berries
    1tsp cinnamon
    1 scoop protein powder
    1tsp organic vanilla

    Basically whatever smoothie you make if you add a banana that is all the you will taste which is great if you like banana’s. :)

  5. I had a similar experience, except I haven’t figured out that damn thing to this day. You and Mr. Holton are lucky. As for the smoothie, try plain yogurt, banana, and peanut butter with some ice. I don’t really care for bananas OR peanut butter and this is my favorite smoothie ever.

    • Hahaha…does your blender have a name? They like it when you treat them like a friend. But I can understand why you wouldn’t do that because unlike me, you are NOT crazy.

      Rice! That’s a new one. I love reading all these suggestions lol. I now want to make a smoothie with EVERYTHING…bananas, milk, yogurt, rice, berries, kale, coconut milk, cocoa powder, PB and oj. Then I will write a post about the time I landed up in the hospital due to projectile vomitting.

    • Holy!! Your recipe looks so super easy and I actually have all the ingredients at home. I will giev this one a go.
      I LOVE SOUPS!! All my recipe books would start with a soup section and I could never dream of doing any of them before. Not anymore!!! :D

      Thanks for the recipe and for reminding me about this forgotten winter treat :)

  6. THE best, lowfat ingredient that makes all the difference is, sherbert…sherbet? sorbet.. Whichever you prefer, and please don’t ask me what the difference is between them. Lol
    I really like Orange or Mango Sherbet/sherbert/sorbet. Nice flavor and consistency.
    That’s just what I’ve learned from familiarizing myself with the Jamba Juice menu; I’ve actually never attempted to make my own smoothie. :)

      • It is pretty sweet. You could also try orange juice or any type of juice really.
        Jamba Juice is all over the US, it’s pretty amazing. :)

      • Yes, oj seems to be a safe medium to work with. Or I could get sorbet and try a little and then pawn it off to someone else if I don’t like it.

        All we have is Booster Juice here. But the words Booster Juice reminds of ninja turtle looking guys at the gym on steroids, so I’ve never tried it. I’ve been told its pretty amazing too though.

  7. Great post ! Didn’t care much for the smoothie or your mishaps in the kitchen with modern technology (rolling eyes), all I got from this was the moral of the story in the form of innuendo, “Don’t settle. The right person will take the trouble to learn exactly how to turn you on and push the right buttons before you give away your smoothies at the yard.” Love it ! It’s all about priorities :D

  8. 1. I will stuff myself with food, watch tons of bad movies and go out when it’s not snowing. And well, probably work a lot, because everyone else was just quicker to arange days or weeks of for vacation :(

    2. Nope, I do know how to make good coffee though!

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