Halloween Fightercocks

My mother has a talent of giving this deadpan delivery of hilarious one-liners (or one-paragraphers) without realizing it 98% of the time. I speak to her almost every Saturday morning on Skype and yesterday, I asked her what she was doing for Halloween. 

She proceeded to explain to me that true Halloween is not about (barely) wearing an inappropriate costume and drunkenly falling face first into your plate of onion rings at an after-hours diner. She might have not used these words specifically, but it fully captures the essence of her schpeel. 

I asked her about what Halloween was like growing up. She grew up in Goa, India where Halloween was actually “celebrated” on November 2nd- All Soul’s Day, a day observed by Catholics to honor the dead. Here’s an actual serious conversation we had about All Soul’s Day  and a little cultural lesson for us all (me included) about “Halloween” in Goa:

Mom: “No one dresses up on All Souls Day, unless you want to look like a jackass. All Soul’s Day is really supposed to be  scary.”

Karen: “So what do you actually do?”

Mom: “People rob and steal your things.”

Karen: *insert this face*

It takes A LOT to tear my attention away from chicken wings and my mother knows just how to do it.

Karen: “People steal stuff?”

Mom: “Yes. You know, because its scary. It’s like a ghost came to mess with you. Sometimes when you wake up in the morning, you may find all your vases in the garden missing. Or you may find your vase in a different location in the garden.”

Karen: *still has the face*

Mom continues…

“This one time, all of Marie Lou’s expensive pond rocks went missing. Her son bought them for her from Dubai you know. Turns out they were all at the local cemetery.”

Karen: Her son went to Dubai and bought her rocks?

Mom: “Yes. They’re decorative.”

Karen: “Nevermind. How the heck did Marie Lou know where to find her pond rocks?”

Mom: “If you lose something on All Soul’s Day, its most likely at the cemetery.”

Karen: “Sounds like a hassle for everyone involved.”

Mom: “No kidding! You have to be so careful too, especially if you are a fightercock. Then everyone hates you and  steals your pond rocks.”

(Quick glossary: The word “fightercock” is my mother’s umbrella term for bitches, douchebags and people who shouldn’t be talking.)

Karen: “So I guess if you’re a fightercock, most of your stuff will probably be dumped at the cemetery.”

Mom: “Oh yes. But you have to go there as soon as you can and claim your stuff. You don’t want robbers to take your things from the cemetery before you get to it.” 

My mom’s village apparently ran on the adage- Rob me once, I’m a fightercock. Rob me twice- I’m a lazycock. 

She continues, clearly enjoying my rapt attention to  this newly discovered Halloween tradition. 

Mom: “And not all your stuff ends up in the cemetery…some of it is in other people’s houses”

Karen: “Whaaaaaa?” *insert this face*

I don’t know who this fightercock is. But she was photo bombing our picture so she probably deserves to have her pond rocks stolen.

Mom: “Yes! Sometimes stuff from your garden will end up in someone else’s garden and vice versa.”

Karen: “Doesn’t anyone call the damn cops?”

Mom: “Cops don’t like getting involved with ghosts, Karen.”

Karen: “Right, of course not”

Mom: “One time, Sebby woke up on All Soul’s Day and found all the bananas off her banana trees in the backyard GONE! In all fairness though, everyone knew what a big fightercock she was. Now, she lost her bananas. Haha”

Karen: “Poor Sebby. Did she find her bananas at the cemetery?”

Mom: “No. But she visited her archenemy Antoinette later that day and saw that Antoinette had an unusual amount of bananas at home. When she asked her about them, Antoinette told her she bought them to make banana fritters.”

Karen: “Ugh! Banana fritters my ass!”

Mom: “Indeed! Watch your language.”

By the end of this conversation, I wanted to just drop my Kate Middleton costume altogether and replace my neighbour’s pots of geraniums with pumpkins. Or steal the lawn gnomes off my neighbours down the street and send them ransom notes for each one. Granted none of my poor neighbors are fightercocks, but its been so long since I’ve been able to blame anything on a mischievous ghost. 

I made a firm resolve that next year for Halloween, I’m going as a fightercock. 

Because in the end what it comes down to is this: Would you rather go the traditional route and wear a Halloween costume? Or would you rather piss the hell out of the fightercocks in your life?

Also, I know I’ve asked you guys this before but everything’s funner when there’s a poll:

30 thoughts on “Halloween Fightercocks

  1. I just died laughing at this post…seems apropos for Halloween.

    OMG ! Hilarious…we had the same conversation last weekend about All Souls’ Day in Goa…apparently you are supposed to cover your bananas with a black cloth so in the dark the ghost can’t see them…I guess the the banana leaves won’t be too obvious. There’s so much so more to this sordid tale…evil eyes, cemeteries, priests.

    Love your face pix (heck, I’m still laughing as I write this…)

    Fightercock – I haven’t heard or used that term in years…it’s a good, strong word, not to mention the obvious connotations.

    Btw, I thought Sebby was a boy’s name, short for Sebastian and Bastiana is short for Sebastiana as in a girl. I guess that’s in our village.

    Love the new layout, couldn’t find the damn comment option…all good now !

    • I was dying of laughter when my mom was telling me these stories. And all the while she didn’t even crack a smile. She was so serious, which is probably what made everything funnier. I wish I spoke to you first before writing this. The black cloth would have made it more hilarious. I want to ask my mom about the evil eye. I think that will be another great post.

      As for Sebby, I know its a boys name in Goa. But its such a funny sounding name I couldn’t resist using it for a woman hahah
      I like this layout too! Its a nice change I guess. Can’t wait for Friday!! Wooohoooo!

  2. this is amazing.
    “Cops don’t like getting involved with ghosts, Karen”. <– Your mom is the best. I will be sure to keep my vases and pond rocks hidden on November 2nd and cover my banana tree with a black cloth. Although I feel kind of bad for it, its already a struggle growing on a little 20 sq foot balcony with no sunshine.
    Do you want to be fightercocks together next year? And no, that's not dirty.

    • Hhahah yes, she’s pretty alright.
      If I were you, I would hide all your awesome jewelry too, our scarf collection, most of your clothes, and your MK purse. Something tells me that a particular ghost would be most interested in those things than you stunted bananas.

      I’d love to be a fightercock with you. You do know that we would have to fight over who will dress up as the fighter and who will have to go as the cock right?

  3. I am one of the three boring people who does not do halloween. Simply because it is not a tradition where I live. Either way, reading this blog made me laugh so hard. Both you and your mother seem funny! Wish I had such a relationship with my parents!

  4. I’m not sure if your mom is crazy or a comedic genius. I like the idea of Halloween actually being scary. Maybe next year we can start having girls dressed as whores try breaking into places and steal things and everyone can win.

    • Don`t all comedic geniuses have a little crazy in them? My mother is just pure genius though. Any craziness she may have, she’ll argue that’s it me who drove her to it.
      I’m all for taking undeserved credit.

      Girls dressing like whores is bad enough. Now you want them stealing our banans and pond rocks too?

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  7. OMG, ur mom is sooo funny and as soon as you mentioned that she’s Indian,,I immediately thought of her with the lovely accent and it made it sooo much funnier, you truly could be a comedian Karen!

  8. Hahaha yes, she’s quite the character. When you say lovely accent, you obviously mean funny accent right? lol. I pop in an Indian accent from to time to time when I want to cheer someone up. Its the surest way to make someone laugh.

    “…you truly could be a comedian Karen!”—–> Best compliment EVER. Thank you!! :)

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