The ring shopping experience Prince William never had

Halloween is fast approaching. And like most over commercialized North American holidays, Halloween comes with its own unique set of first-world anxieties.

A couple of years ago I obsessed for a week over whether I should go as 1) Justin Beiber or 2) A crayon. Beiber won the bid because I was sick that weekend and wearing a warm hoodie seemed a better alternative to puking into my pointy crayon hat. In retrospect, I could have gone as Beiber Fever. (Beiber with an actual fever…get it?)

The only thing Beiber and I DON’T have in common is blond hair

My other fantastic costumes from the past included:

Halloween 2010: A blind date.

Technically, Batgirl’s blind date.

Halloween 2011: Pocahontas  The Indian/Indian princess. It was a pun about how you can’t get anymore Indian than this. As you can see, the pun and I were both lame.

Smile! 2011 was the year of the broken foot

Fast forward to 2012.

The time has come again this year when 50% your Facebook friends will lament the annual exodus of sexy hamburgers and sexy convicts while 49% will be dressed as said hamburgers and convicts. I fall in the 1% who are at home trolling their stalkerfeeds panicking about what/who they’re going to go as.

This year though, I knew who I wanted to be. It’s who I’ve wanted to be when I hit puberty (and 3 years after that): Prince William’s wife. 

Yes…Halloween 2012, I’m going as The Duchess of Cambridge…or as I’d like to call her- Kate.

Before you laugh uncontrollably at my dreams of becoming British royalty,  let me tell you that Kate and I have A LOT in common. To start, we’re both women, we both love Prince William and we both look better with our tops on.

The real task here is putting together the Kate look without the Kate price tag. Being Indian, I come with the gene for “economical spending”. I made a list of items that would be required:

1) A pretty dress: Kate has been known to get some of her dresses at H&M. I get ALL my dresses at H&M. Soul sisterssss!

2) Pantyhose: Sears

3) A pearl necklace: Dollar Store

4) A wig. (In a moment of insanity and a cheap Groupon, I went and chopped off all my luscious locks of hair last month. Fingers crossed that Kate will get a shoulder length bob one of these days, preferably before Halloween, so I won’t have to spend $7.99 at Value Village)

5) A crazy hat that only looks good on British royals. (optional)

6) THE RING: dun dun dunnnnnnnnn. (This means I haven’t got it yet)

The success of my costume hugely depended on my ability to find a replica of Kate’s ring. For those of you who don’t know what it looks like: 

I knew that after the Royal Wedding last year, knock offs were everywhere. But last year I was too busy nursing a broken foot and being an Indian princess.

I began my search with my most trusted source of information about everything: My patients at work.

These were some of their suggestions:

1. “Go to the dollar store. It has EVERYTHING. You’ll find gold there if you look hard enough. If you can’t find it, just buy a regular ring with any colored stone and spray paint it blue. You’ll find the spray paint in the crafts aisle. They’ll never know the difference

2. “I’m sure you could make one yourself.”

3. “Are you sure you want to go as Kate Middleton? Maybe you should have a backup costume.”

My second trusted source was eBay. I found one for $8.99. Life was wonderful until I got to the checkout and saw that shipping would be $39.00. This did not appeal very much to my economical spending gene. I cancelled the order.

I had to find this ring. Without it, I would have to pick some next lame-ass last minute costume. My friend Aleks suggested that if I didn’t find anything, I could just label myself as sugar and tell everyone I’m brown sugar. I always appreciate a good subtly racist pun. But not this time. This time I just wanted to be a white princess duchess for Halloween dammit! 

My last ditch effort was to try the mall. I went to the usual teenybopper accessory stores. This yielded the same results as my patients:

1) “Kate who? I’m sorry I don’t know who she is. I don’t think we have any of her stuff here” (HOW THE EFF DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO KATE MIDDLETON IS!!?!? This salesgirl was either an Eastern Bloc spy or a recruit from a Carly Rae Jepsen concert)

2) “Is it like the rose-gold colored one with a flowery middle?” (WTF is wrong with people?)

3) “Maybe try the dollar store?”

I went home completely dejected. Kate’s ring couldn’t be found anywhere. Prince William has NO idea how easy he had it. 

But you know that saying in dating that annoys the piss out single people?

“It will happen when you’re not looking and you least expect it”

Apparently, this saying applies to costume jewelry as well. 

Yesterday I went grocery shopping and outside the store there randomly happened to be an older lady selling jewelry on a makeshift table. I took a quick gander. Sure enough, this completely random old lady had a Kate Middleton ring sitting in her ring collection. It was a size too big for me but a perfect replica otherwise. $15 later I was back on track to being a Duchess.

Now all I have left on my list is the wig, which I’m hoping to be easier to score than the Duchess’ engagement ring.

And if I can’t find a wig, brown sugar it will be. 

What I’d like to know is what are all of you folks dressing up as this Halloween? What is the craziest costume you’ve ever worn/seen?

24 thoughts on “The ring shopping experience Prince William never had

  1. 11 years ago I was was at a party at Casa Loma for big TO law firm and there were 2 staff members that came as “Condomints.” It was awesome! One was wearing a 7 foot dick costume covered in celophane, The other dressed as a box of mints. I later found the dick costume abandoned and proceeded to have my picture taken with it. Yes, me Dorothy from The Wizard of OZ, visibly inebriated hugging a giant penis with my tongue hanging out. Indeed my claim to share. It’s not as bad as my friend the cigar-girl who after the party took a cab and in the morning found herself passed out on a sidewalk outside Square One shopping centre in Missisauga because she couldn’t remember where she lived.
    Damn I love Haloween!!!!!
    Have fun and post pics!

  2. Sounds like God is watching over you! :)

    I dressed as Death, complete with scythe, but missed the bus and had to walk home.

    Everything was fine until I took a short cut through the gardens of the Hospice… :)

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.

  3. I just posted lots of awesome pics of my previous costumes: Daria, Juno, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Queen of Hearts, etc. I looooove Halloween!
    Looking forward to (non-topless) pics!!!

  4. I take it you love Halloween?

    The year of the broken foot you should have gone as a fallen angel. I remember in 3rd grade Sean Dunn (you don’t know him) said his sister was going as a fallen angel. I always pictured that as an angel with crutches, not an angel of darkness.

    Do you know what would be great? If Kate Middleton lost her hands or arms in the next week and the whole ring thing was a waste.

    I haven’t dressed up for Halloween since I was 11. In 2nd grade I was in a wheelchair because of a broken leg so I went as a gargoyle from the show Gargoyles. My mom put the wings on the wheelchair handles. I didn’t need to wear a mask. I was an ugly child.

    • Love is a strong word that I occasionally use for sushi and Ryan Gosling only. I would say enjoy Halloween.
      Were you and Sean Dunn good buddies? Not that I care of course. I don’t know Sean Dunn. A gargoyle and a fallen angel would have made a fine couple.

      Kate losing her arms? What a terrible thing to say about my soul sisterrr!! And even more terrible that all of this would go to waste. I’m still banking on the sauna suit.

      I highly doubt you were an ugly kid. But even if you were, consider the fact that Joseph Gordon Levitt was pretty brutal looking when he was younger too. Now he’s a sex symbol.

  5. B*tch was TOTALLY an Eastern Bloc spy. They are EVERYWHERE,
    PS I like your new background. And I can’t wait to see you as Kate. I love that we are both wearing racially inappropriate costumes. See your Royal ass on Sunday, missy!

    • Of course these spies are everywhere!! Who do you think buys all these Drake albums?!
      I tried on my Kate costume today. It did look very racially inappropriate i.e I look like a drag queen.
      I want to see you in your racially inappropriate costume too! Wouldn’t it be funny if we went to brunch in costume?

      I will see your Superbass (get it?…superb ass AND a Nicki reference) on Sunday ;)

  6. Pingback: If you like to laugh, you will like Karen Slatte…if you don’t like to laugh… go see a psychiatrist please. « beccahumphrey

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