Because the Greatest Cockblock of all is happening to me

Urban Dictionary, the new Webster for those of you who didn’t get the memo, defines  the word cockblock as: “The act of obstructing one person’s advances towards another.” My best friend Bernice describes a cockblock as ANYTHING that comes in the way of things going the way you planned. A flat tire, hailstones, bad hair days, the Toronto Transit Commission, and chlamydia are shining examples of the many cockblocks one can encounter.

If however, you are still unsure of what a cockblock is and the kind of humorously terrible situations it creates, you’re in for a treat. Today, all you lucky ducks get to read a pretty freaking compelling post on it.

People always ask me why I’m single. For future reference, please note that this is a horrible question to ask single people. Regardless, I know I’m single because I suffer from a peculiar condition known as Dating ADD. I have no patience to explain what that means because that’s not what this is about. Until fairly recently I stopped blaming men for my relationship failures and realised it would be colossally narcissistic of me to blame the Universe. The universe had more important things to tend to then to get in the way of my sexytimes. I’m starting to reevaluate that theory now.

The whole story actually begins two and a half years ago when I moved closer to the city where possibilities of having an awesome life were endless. The first thing I did back then was join the gym because that’s what kinesiologists do. Barely two days later I saw the man who made me weak in the knees despite all the rigorous quad strengthening exercises I did.

For the purposes of convenience we will call this man Astro Boy. Because of his astronomically beautiful smile of course. So intrigued was I by Astro Boy that he guest starred as the “Lat Pull Down” guy in my first Freshly Pressed post “Karen’s Guide to Maximising Gym Workouts”. Anyway, for months after that all I could do was worship from afar. I may come off as a straight talking bitch on my blog, but I’m a gigantic pansy in real life.

It was love at first stretch

I saw Astro Boy everywhere. At the gym, at the subway station, walking home from work, at the grocery store..

Finally last summer, fate dealt me a sweet card. I was coming home from work one tired afternoon and from a distance I saw a shirtless douchebag running on my street. I judge anyone who runs outside without a shirt as a douchebag. Since douchebag and I were moving towards each other, it wasn’t long before I realised that the douchebag was Astro Boy.

For the rest of the summer, Astro Boy ran around the block without a shirt and everytime this happened I heard the song “I only have eyes for you” by The Flamingos play in my head. To be fair to him, it was a pretty hot summer. I found out later that he lives in the house that is directly across the street from mine. All this time, Astro Boy was literally the boy next door.

And all this time, not a word was exchanged between us.

If only life were this simple

Now that you know this back story, I can proceed to educate you on the concept of cockblockism.

 It was Friday night and I was in a frenzy to get to the Greyhound station. I was scheduled to be on the 12:30am night bus to Montreal. Yes, this happened last week. The elevator doors opened to the Greyhound station and the first face I saw sitting in the waiting area with a large suitcase of his own was Astro Boy.

I tried to keep a cool head, which is not easy when you’re freaking out. And because life is humorous, the only two available seats was either one next to a crazy man who was talking to himself or one next to Astro Boy. For a second of pure insanity, I seriously debated sitting next to the crazy guy.

But I regained my senses and sat next to Astro Boy. I could sense him looking at me but I did what any nervous person would do. I pretended that I had a thousand text messages to respond to. A quick glance at the bus schedule on the screen told me there was only one bus scheduled to depart from Toronto at that time. And that was the 12:30am night bus to Montreal. After two and a half years of  gaping creepily and listening to The Flamingos, the Universe was finally handing me an opportunity on a silver platter by putting both of us on the same bus for the next 8 hours.

He finally got up to join the bus line outside and as he passed by, he looked straight at me and smiled. It took me a while to collect myself and join the line too. We were five people away from each other in the line up and those 10 minutes were spent stealing glances. He finally got to the front of the line and sat at the window seat. 

There comes a time in one’s life when you have to overcome your fears and go for it. And when that time comes, you have to not care about the aura of dumbassery that will inevitably surround you when you do go for it. With that in mind, I stood there in that line with a firm resolve to go up to him and introduce myself. There was a feeling of peace that surrounded this decision and I knew the time had come. I handed my ticket to the driver trying to think of witty ways I would begin the fateful conversation with Astro Boy.

Where are you going Miss?” I heard the driver ask.

Montreal.” I say in a dream-like voice. “This is the 12:30 bus to Montreal, is it not?”

It most definitely is ma’am“, said the driver. “But you’re not on this bus.”

What?

I looked at the driver confused while he proceeded to explain to me how he was going to cockblock me from Astro Boy.

Miss, you have a ticket for the Greyhound. This is Megabus. Megabus and Greyhound are two completely different companies. I’m sorry. I can’t let you get on this bus. The Greyhound is the next bus. You’ll have to join that line“.

I stared at the driver dumbly. “Can I not just get on this one? They’re both going to the same place. I already have a ticket”.

Sorry. You’re not getting on this bus.”

“I only have eyes for you” abruptly stopped playing. I walked over to the next bus and didn’t look back.

____________________________________________________

There were several cockblocks at play that night and till today I am unable to decide which was the biggest one. One thing I know for sure, summer is coming. And its a lot harder to muster the courage to talk to someone attractive when they’re shirtless. I’m sure all of you, male and female, can attest to this fact.

Until an opportunity slaps me in the face again two years from now, I will continue come home from work everyday with hopes of seeing a shirtless douchebag Astro Boy running down my street.

75 thoughts on “Because the Greatest Cockblock of all is happening to me

  1. Ahhhhhhhhh how you story reminds me of so many moments in my life, when an opportunity presnets itself, yet a fateful blow pushes you into a different direction. I believe that is the sub text in the language of love. It takes you all around the houses first, then shuts the door in your face! Its good to know that all us girls have the same issues!

  2. Hi-freaking larious.You have some mad paint skills, girlie. Whip him up a valentine that looks anything like the pics in this post and he’ll be unable to refuse your advances; even the Universe would know it’s fighting a losing battle.

  3. Oh no, I can say I’ve been in situations like that. I’ve either taken it as the universe literally trying to tell me NO this is not going to happen or making it extra difficult to meet someone or actually talk to them so there’s a worthwhile story at the end.
    Hopefully you talk to Astro Boy and can one day laugh at all the times you encountered each other but didn’t get the chance to!

    My new New Year’s resolution is to be braver. Have the courage to walk up to a man and introduce myself, no more waiting and hoping they will talk to me. It seems many men lately have lost that courage they once had.

    • That is definitely the hope too. Someday maybe. I like your New Years Resolution. Its my everydays resolution. But like all resolutions, I never usually go through with it. I don’t know if its loss of courage or just that our world is different now. I’d be pretty guarded if someone randomly came up to me and started talking. But in situations like these, I agree, someone here needs to grow a pair and say something.

  4. Well, if he lives right next door I’m sure there will be plenty of other opportunities to unblock your cock……or something.

    • The funny thing is I see him more outside of our neighbourhood than in it so I don’t even know if he really lives across me or he just really likes to randomly hang around outside the house. Either way, there better be some cock-unblocking opportunities soon. This has gone on long enough

  5. I have a VERY large butterfly net…if you EVER want to borrow it just let me know – it’s excellent for capturing butterflies, small birds and shirtless running douchebags you are secretly in love with ;-)…L

    • omg. The moment I read your comment, I had this crazy idea of writing my blog website on a sticky note and sticking it on his door. I dont know about cockblock no more lol. I feel like that will open the door to a whole new world of other cockblocks. But thanks for putting this ridiculous idea in my head hahah.

  6. First: My apologies for never answering back on your comment from your Montreal post (can you read my French in this sentence? AWFUL).
    Now: I am in love with your blog. And I don’t say these things light-heartedly
    Kudos, my friend from the big TO.
    The Clown

  7. He’s probably just as nevervous to talk to you. HELLO? That smile was your invite. Next time you see him just say “Hi, were neighbor’s I’m Karen, we’ve never been introduced….” You’re not a social leper, and far from- nothing to shake a stick at.
    Know what? I missed out on what could have been my future husband at the Blue Cross Animal hospital, yep – 9 years ago, some guy with 2 viszlas… I really impressed him knowing the breed, then I ran away with my tail between my legs. damn I regret that!

    • You’re so right. I thought that maybe he’s nervous too. But what if he has a girlfriend. I can’t count how many times THAT has happened everytime I thought “maybe he is nervous”.
      I think I seriously needed to hear your tough love approach on this. And I’d like to think Astro Boy would shake a stick at me.

      In my defense (as feeble as this defense is), I’m pretty sure your vizsla guy didn’t come to the Blue Cross Animal hospital shirtless.

      • Ya, if only to get you to come over! He’s running shirtless – not for his own benefit! AND – what if he doesn’t have a girlfriend? Plus you are only going to say “hi, neighbor” – all neighborly like, and not shag him on the porch. If he is single, or not, it will come up eventually. be cool. ;)

  8. hahaha..you are hilarious and your paintings really crack me up..that was one hell of a story..i havent found my astro boy yet, but after reading your post, i hope i dont lose my sanity when i see him :P

  9. Here is my approach, if ever you see Astro Boy trotting along again in the neighborhood just faint, then of course he will come to pick you up and if you are so overwhelmed you start to babble he will take no notice as of course you have just passed out and don’t know where you are. I know you can do this!

    • Faint. I never thought of that. Does fainting work with the 2012 man though? When I was in college I read up some on a social phenonmenon known as bystander effect. What if he keeps running? How long will I have to pretend to be unconscious? What if my other creepy neighbour down the street comes to my rescue instead? What if I just hide in the bushes near his house and watch with beady eyes?

      Thank you for having so much faith me though. With my luck, when I see him next I’ll probably trip and fall flat on my face. Close enough to fainting I say. I know that I can definitely do lol.

  10. Your post was hilarious (and relatable is an understatement!). But the continued discussion in your comments is the cherry on top of this blog post for me! Love it.

    Astro Boy doesn’t know what he’s missing!
    Olga

  11. Oh wow, that was an epic cockblock sent straight from the heavens.

    Why don’t you knock on his door and ask for some ice? Because that totally won’t sound like a pick up line at all.

    That said, as a guy, I wouldn’t care if a girl uses a dumb pick up line on me. All pick up lines are dumb, and if he even has the slightest bit of interest, he wouldn’t care if you used the worst pick up line in the world – it’s always great when the girl makes the first move.

      • I guess I can’t speak for every guy in the world, but I think it’d be great. Does it say you’re a weird desperate slut or something? Maybe if you break into his place and wait for him all naked and covered in cream. But if your first move is just a silly pick up line, then it’s just being pro-active.

        It also says that you’re not going to be the kinda girl in the future that’s always waiting for the guy to make all the plans and then complain when he decides to do something you didn’t want to do.

      • Break into his place and wait naked covered in cream? Where do you get such fantastic ideas? lol

        I guess I could understand the allure of the self-assured desicive girl which seems to be the general directions in which all you guys are pushing me.

        I have decided that the next time I see his shirted/shirtless self, there will be enough interaction to warrant a sequel to this post :D

  12. Hey Karen,
    I loved this story. It made my week and brought some clarity to a situation that happen to me several years ago. There was this guy in college that for some reason, every time (3 times) I even had the opportunity to talk to him there were forces at work beyond my control that kept us apart.
    #1 – walked into a door and broke my finger.
    #2 – spilled an entire glass of diet coke down my shirt.
    #3 – he walked in while I was kissing another guy.
    Now I know, is was the universe cockblocking. So happy to have some closure on that situation. Now, I can move on.

    Great stuff!

  13. What a great story. Well, it sucked for you. Doesn’t this mean Astro Boy is cheaper than you are? No good. I think he jogs because he’s not willing to pony up for more shirts. He probably owns 3 of them because the rest were spent on $3 Megabus tickets.

    That bus driver is still a bastard. He must have had his heart broken and thought he would break yours as well. Like I said, bastard.

    If monopolies were legal and there were only one bus company you wouldn’t have this problem. Let’s overthrow capitalism together, shall we?

  14. Awww! I agree that the smile was an invitation for at least a conversation. :) Next time you see him just say hello! I mean, it is kind of interesting that you see him EVERYWHERE already…it’s just sad you couldn’t sit on the bus together :(

  15. A part of me found this blog humorous, because of the way you wrote it. Simply for the way you wrote the blog. Still, the message underneath got to me. Most of us will have been in such a situation and it pretty much sucks when you’re there. Hopefully, it doesn’t take another two years for you to get an opportunity with this guy, because that would be harsh. The next time you see it, put your mind on blank and go for it. (easier said than done, I know). Still, just give it a try. The only way is up.

    • I honestly did find the whole thing funny at the time. The whole thing was so ridiculous there was nothing to do but laugh about it. But there was obviously some frustration too.

      Next time I see him, its game on. And it wont take two years this time. Summer’s coming and I know where he lives lol. Thanks for the vote of confidence! :D

  16. People always ask me why I’m single. For future reference, please note that this is a horrible question to ask single people.

    –There is so much truth in this statement, it actually hurts!

  17. I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and I am always impressed by how well you deliver your punchlines. This story however, not only entertained me, but it’s moving me to actually comment. Ha!

    Just wanted to say that your biggest cock block is yourself.

    Let me tell you a short story: Two weekends ago, I met my cousin’s co-worker who stirred the very underlying parts of my loins with just one look. He actually is not as physically attractive as that, but being from Louisiana and socializing with mostly the bottom half of the gene pool, this San Diego-surfer with a degree in engineering basically had automatic dibs on me.

    The thing is how to let him know. Well good thing humanity has alcohol. We would have died out a long time ago. But apparently a New Orleans Hurricane (drink one of these sometime, you’ll understand) wasn’t enough! Turns out that I had all kinds of idealistic concepts in my mind that cock blocked all the alcohol from taking hold of my brain. So a couple of bar kisses was as far as we got. Maybe some ear nibbling.

    Thankfully, I had good excuses to go back last week. Now, I’m not so much of a girl who runs after a man. Did that, got burned, never doing it again. The thing is, Surfer Dude already knew I was interested but I was just too classy, wanting the complicated thing of a relationship, rather than the simple deliciousness of a fling.

    But people change after a week of sexual frustration, and I was a changed woman.

    So question was, if I’m this thing who wants it but doesn’t want to go after it, what is my answer?

    Encouragement.

    Smile a little, giggle a little, let him buy me a drink despite the fact that I said yes to some other guy to buy me my Sex on The Beach (I get stupid sometimes and play the jealousy card too early, but thankfully Surfer Dude was fast), and we were on our way to a fantastic night out.

    Forget night. It was a weekend of awesome.

    I realized during that week apart that I had no real desire for the relationship commitment either, and that I wanted it because I should, not because I did. Surfer Dude and I have become fast friends, and it will last six months. And that is all I want.

    Don’t settle for nothing. Don’t go for too much. Go for just right, Skinny. Give Astro Boy a secretive smile, see where that goes.

    (Practice said smile. It’s an art, I tell you.)

    • I’m glad I finally inspired you to comment lol.
      That is some story you have there. An engineer surfer who’s fast? Pretty sure you struck some kind of jackpot there.

      There was secretive smiling that went on already before I was stopped from boarding the bus. So the real test comes now when I see him again. The stage had already been set. It’s just that last minute I wasnt allowed to get on.

      Stay tuned for the Astro Boy sequel. Its only a matter of time. I hope.

  18. Love this post—so relatable! We’ve all had these moments where it seems so close and remains SO far! And you are correct. That is the worst question to ask single people. Thanks for making me laugh.

  19. Perhaps the universe is just cock blocking at this particular moment in time because it has something greater in store for you my dear :) Regardless…I think the universe is giving you these moments for you to make something happen, it can only direct you so far and then it’s up to you to, shall I say….grab the bull by the horns. (or in this case, grab Astro Boy by the…and live happily ever after:)You’ll never know what could be unless you leave that fear behind and jump off the ledge.

    All this advice coming from someone who makes a fool of herself daily..but hey totes, get on out there and find your Astro Boy!

    • LOL you sound like one of my patients who told me I’m like the drowning man who cried out to God to help him and God sent him help three times but he refused.

      She was like “you’re drowning Karen. Grow a pair and swim” lol. I know I know, next time I see him, I will grab Astro Boy by his whatevs and totes have my happy ever after. Or at the very least a hilarious sequel for everyone to enjoy ;)

  20. NERVOUS TEXTING FOR THE WIN! I both hate and adore the fact that I can pick up my phone and fake-text or even fake-converse to avoid people. When I have to walk through the slew of clipboard-holding-canvasers on campus I pull out my phone and have a conversation in a different language with myself. No one wants to stop some white chick babbling in Arabic. No one. But then there’s all the people that I want to goddamned interrupt me and they never do! Ever! Are we expected to … actually talk to people that we want to talk to?

  21. Some things are just not meant to happen I’d say. One great summer I met a great girl. We had a great time and she went back to Scotland and I went back to university. I adored her and after being invited by letter, remember those things, I went up to see her. I’m a poetic, speccy man and when I got there that week end I met the muscular boxer she was dating. One uncomfortable week end later I went back to university. I gave up on women after that, too much in love with her to bother. Then 5 years later I found her mum’s phone number and rang her, yeah I know ‘There’s Something About Mary’ syndrome right? Anyway amazingly she said okay. I met her there in Edinburgh and we chatted. Boxer man had been a brute, to put it mildly and she’d had a hard time getting rid of him. We spent a nice week end chatting and it seemed that we had as much in common as before, but I didn’t get a lot of strong signs from her as to whether she felt anything for me, though I adored her. Anyway come the Monday and I’m off to the train station and she says let’s go St Giles Cathedral on the way. So we do. The Cathedral was empty of people, oddly. There were, however, lots of chairs arranged around a grand piano. I tried to clumsily to hold her hand when we were close together watching the man set up the piano. She moved away from me looking a little like she wanted to keep me at a distance. She sat at one end of the front row of the laid out chairs and I ended up sitting at the other. Then two women walked out to the piano and after a short chat with the piano player they both began to sing, accompanied by the piano, The Flower Duet from Lachme by Delibes. Picture it; an empty cathedral two women singing a delicate and beautiful opera song and two people distanced by more than the chairs. I wanted to say that I loved her, that I cared about her, that I thought she was the most bright and beautiful person I’d ever met. The song ended and I had my chance, but the words stuck in my throat. She put me on the train and I left, never seeing her again. See I didn’t have cockblock, I just knew deep down that it wouldn’t work with us. I’m married to my soul mate with two children that God gave us just so that we could make everyone else jealous. Not meant to be. Astro Boy and you aren’t getting it together because the universe is blocking it with universal cock. Why? Probably because the universe has other plans. It’s ‘Sliding Doors’, right, you’re not menat to be on that bus

    • Richard, that`s quite a story. What I did take from it is what I have to remind myself of everyday and that is that things work out the way they are supposed to.

      I`m not sure what the Universe`s plans are but whatever it is I`m glad that its at least humorous and not devastating as is the nature of a lot of failed plans.

  22. I almost pissed my pants reading this. First off, when I read the title I said to myself this can’t be serious. But as I began reading it, I realized that this sort of thing happens to a lot of us. There must be a Cockblocking entity that universally roams the Earth and stops people from doing things.

    On the other hand, much like how somebody else pointed out, most of the Cockblocking that occurs is generated by our own passiveness. It’s funny how some of us can sit behind a computer, or in my case my iPad, and craft inspiring and creative blogs; share our thoughts and commentary with the virtual world, but how we almost seem to cower in the flesh.

    I’m sure one day that you’ll move out of your own way and you’ll get your Astro Boy. But then again have you ever considered that he might have the same sentiments towards you? What if he wanted to approach you but was just too nervous to do so? What if…. He writes his own blog and has told endless stories about his account of how he too feels cockblocked? Or what if he isn’t actually into women? It is 2012, I’m just saying….

    • I can only hope that nevousness was what was keeping him from approaching. And the possibility of him having his own blog?? Sweet God! Then we really must be soulmates.

      As for him possibly not being into women, you broke my heart on that one. But you`re right, its 2012 and I have to wake up and face the music. Until then I`m going to creepily watch his house for signs of activity.

  23. Please tell me Astro Boy didn’t see you getting “cockblocked”?
    P.s. This was hilarious! Maybe next time you can run behind him with a shirt, pretending he dropped it. Just to see how he reacts…
    And then post about it! :-D

  24. hahah I am my own greatest cockblocker. Is that even possible?

    I was in ‘love’ or, as the kids refer to it these days, ‘lurve’ with a guy in high school and one day he actually said hi to me. Instead of being calm and cool about it I decided that it would be best if I poured my drink all over my uniform and tumble down the stairs. Wheeee!

    I literally ‘fell’ in love. -_-

    Hey! I am having a little contest known as The Uninspired Chronicles over at my blog and it will be so awesome if you took part! Here is the link http://riatarded.wordpress.com/2012/03/29/the-uninspired-chronicles/

    Have a great day ahead and may the cockblocks be ever in your favor *Sorry for the lame Hunger Games reference but I couldn’t help it. heee ;) *

    • lol yes, I think its entirely possible. Hello! I just wrote an entire post about me being my own cockblock. I`ve been cockblocking myself for two years now. And God knows how long it will be before I grow a pair and stop doing it. Lurvvvve is so hard.

      I`m curious to know what`s in the care package you`re going to offer for your Uninspired Chronicles.

      Also, I`ve never watched or read Hunger Games, so no worries about any lame references. Although, do they actually say “may the cockblocks be ever in your favor“? Because in that case, I may have to jump on the bandwagon and read that book.

      • haha no they say, “may the odds be ever in your favour!” I modified it! Clever eh? :p

        So are you planning on telling this guy that you like him?

        The care package is always growing. So far there is an art blanc planner, different types of teas (because tea is awesome!), a body shop moisturiser, earrings, dove hair treatment and a nail color from The Face Shop from Singapore (but if I have to ship it out of the country I think I might take that out because I don’t want it to break!)
        I might even give away an explosm doll depending on how many people participate in this thing! :)

        I am really hoping that you will because your blog posts are always entertaining! x

  25. Bwa ha ha ha ha ha! Oh! Oh my. Oh… *wiping away tears* I feel your pain. I truly do. I’ve lived through some pretty awful moments like this myself.

    Love this: “Barely two days later I saw the man who made me weak in the knees despite all the rigorous quad strengthening exercises I did.”

    And this: “…I did what any nervous person would do. I pretended that I had a thousand text messages to respond to.” (So true! Don’t we all…)

    This is the best thing I’ve read all day! Love your blog. :)

  26. Pingback: Guest Post: How to Snag the Boy Next Door in 10 Minutes or Less « The Chronicles of a Skinny Jeans-Wearing Toronto girl

  27. Aww this story made me smile…. not at your unfortunate turn of events (Though I was rooting for you and reading stooped over almost trying to get into the screen of my computer awaiting the moment he swept you off your feet), but at you’re entire attitude! What is for you won’t pass you and the likes…. I havent decided my stance on the forces and laws of attraction yet in a definitive sense . . . but I do hold hope!

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